I was reading over on Heather's (LoisB) thread....and there is quite a bit of talk over there about forgiveness and trust. Pretty good discussion going on.
I have been really struggling with the whole "trust" thing the past couple of days.
I'm in a weird mood anyway...just tired of all this crap with my H...and just weary. I've had a whole lot of "just don't give a F anymore's" this week. And, it's not a nice attitude to have...but that's where I'm at.
It sure feels better than crying all the time.
On the way to/from work, I have lots of time to think...and I've been thinking a lot about trust.
For some reason, the "forgiveness" thing is coming easy to me. I keep thinking that it shouldn't be easy to forgive H. He has destroyed my heart. But, I think because I can take ownership of the things that I did wrong in our M, I can forgive H.
I know he is confused and hurting and messed up. cat04 mentioned this on Heather's thread, and it's already something I've been doing, but I try to see H through God's eyes...not mine. That helps me to be more forgiving, too.
I know that I have to forgive H for my own well-being and because God says we must forgive. So, I really am not struggling with that as much as I thought I would.
The thing I am STRUGGLING with is TRUST. How will I ever, ever trust H again? EVER? He has lied and lied and lied some more.
I can't believe anything he says or does. I look back now, over the past year (and even further back), and recall times that he looked me right in the eyes and LIED so convincingly. I totally believed him...and he was lying about so much.
Maybe I'm not supposed to be worrying about the "trust" thing right now??? Maybe this comes later????
Because honestly, right now, I can't believe anything he says about other women, about his job, about money, about his whereabouts (I don't even ask anymore...but when he tells me, I immediately think, "Yeah, right...LIAR.")
I have no trust and no respect for him. Period.
What if I can't ever get that trust back? How can we have a healthy marriage if I can't, or don't, trust him? If I always question everything he says/does?
