[SemperFi00]

Lots to catch up – been a ways for a few days. Will try to break it up into a few posts for easy journaling and reading…….

Labug, I will start with thoughts around your most recent post.

You're borrowing trouble from tomorrow. S8 will most likely have lots of thoughts about his circumstances as he gets older but you have no way of knowing what those will be. Having loving people around him who help him deal with that is the most important thing here.

ouch! - but thanks for the reminder.

I think you're very angry and hurt, we all have been there.

I can understand why you think she seems selfish, it's painful when we realize we've missed a chance and something important is going away. Grieving that loss is part of the process. Anger is part of the process. You have to feel it.

I am feeling many emotions – angry, hurt, betrayed, sad, lied to, empathetic (for W and where she is currently at), a sense of loss and I am sure many others. Doing much better at recognizing the emotions and realizing that if I can just wait a few moments (and not react) the feelings will often wash through…… I think that’s a good thing and an improvement – I was never one to show or react based on emotion but the recognition and letting things pass through is different. I think before it was much more like “pack it away for another day” and move on……

Also, I continue to feel guilty and feel like it’s my fault somehow that W cannot find a way to work on things…. What keeps coming back to me is that it is a husband/fathers role to provide and protect – no matter what….. At times feels like I have failed in that area…….. Even though (when thinking from a less emotional state) I am aware that we are all free to make choices and that I am not the one who is choosing this path – and I cannot choose W’s path for her (as much as I would love to help her with that..)

There are also times when I see interacting with the boys – laughing, joking, having fun, acting as if everything is great – I have thoughts like “why does she want to give part of that up” “how can she act that way knowing all the pain that she will potentially be causing” I know that this may all be an act/front and on the inside she may be feeling very different - she has said that she cried herself to sleep for 2+ years getting to where she is at…….. Why is it that WAS seem to create self-inflicted misery and then often direct the blame elsewhere??

About the guardian, answer questions truthfully. What else can/would you do?

What would the alternative to what she's suggesting be? (leaving out the obvious, reconciliation)

In this scenario ^^^^, I think adoption is the best alternative (leaving out the obvious, reconciliation)

Thanks for any feedback – or 2x4s! Not feeling quite as strong or centered today.......