How to convince resistant LD wife?

[Ambivalent]

Perhaps, but I get the feeling that there are issues she never overcame which were there even when we first met. Were there any hints at the beginning of your relationship of difficulties of any kind that could be problematic later?

Yes, but it revolved around how I perceived I was being treated.
In the beginning he stood me up!

Then his friends and family were more important.

His family didn't want me to come to the Thanksgiving they always had in Norfolk


Rehearsal dinner he was an hour late!
His mother didn't show up.

The day of our wedding he played his first round of golf.

The night of our wedding, his friend planned a party and he didn't tell me 'til after our reception, on the way .

He made time for regular basketball, regular golf, but NEVER regular date night
Golf was his obsession for many years sometimes two rounds on a Saturday!

So the answer is Hell to the yes!

I didn't know it hurt me, for I just detached. But being more in touch with my feelings now, it pains me to put it in writing.


It KILLS libido. It kills desire and slowly builds resentment.

When I was single , I got hit on all the time. It was annoying because it was overtly sexual and I didn't like being perceived as " a piece of a-s " I wanted respect and men to see my brain as well.
His lack of time for me on a regular basis seemed as more of the same, as if I was just an aside to his life. I was not considered as part of his life.

Wow just got a dose of realization here.

MLC or not, he's always been about himself.
:C

This has made me realize, where I fit into his life and not how it became our life. We always lived parallel lives. OUCH!

This is not looking good. How did I hold on for so long? Why am I holding on to possibly be his back up plan...Oh God , I'm not liking what I'm thinking...
_________________________

[ssmguy]

Were there times when he was considerate and made you feel like you were number one? Could you fill up a page with such memories too?

[Ambivalent]

Do you mean back in the beginning or throughout the years?

In the beginning, no... now he wined and dined me, but we were not exclusive to each other. I didn't sleep around, but I dated around. What he did, I couldn't tell you...

Again, he worked, partied with his friends and we would see each other perhaps once every 7-10 days.

After six months when we became intimate, he wanted to see me more.

His friends were still a priority.

I was a busy gal too. I was his first real girlfriend, and I believe he liked the idea of being a couple.

Now that doesn't mean he hadn't slept with others. He was the first I'd ever had give me cun. and introduce me to my anatomy. I remember it as if it was yesterday. Since I never knew it was there and I don't think he was really experienced with it either, it was sensitive but not comfortable.

Neither of us knew not to touch the actual button , so it was too much and somewhat irritating. I never climaxed that way. When we were to get married, I was given a plastic vibrator at my bridal shower. We were not going to use any of our presents 'til after the wedding, but I couldn't resist trying it.

I had my first orgasm and he called from work right afterwards and knew immediately. He even asked me if I had tried it, I guess it was in my voice, HA!

Anyway he tried, but he was too rough and I never thought back then to have it join us. There was the pre-conceived notion that it was private. I thought sex was supposed to be just us. That is was weird or odd to use that with us. I was VERY naïve, and had no clue about anything!
So we never succeeded in figuring out between us. Over time I just didn't want him to do it.

As for was he considerate, yes , still is. It is not just with me, it is how he is with everyone. As for putting me first, not really. It is more how I fit in with what he wants. I'm not asked to come drive the cart for golfing, or watch him bowl. I have asked him to come watch me play tennis or even play, but he is too tough on himself when we did.

Ego, when it came to serving. He thought ( like many men ) that when you get on the court, it should be easy. That he was supposed to have a big serve, and it would go in easily. Tennis like golf is a finesse sport. So I was better, and he didn't like it.

Now don't get me wrong. He is loving , he is kind, he is patient, and he is giving. Do we speak the same love languages ? No. But that is easily remedied. Do I have area in which I could work and change...absolutely!

Does he...yes. I'm more than willing to work , always knew marriage was work, and always have worked on it. It is the trusting of each other to give "us" the priority.

He has "doubts that we can work things out" . This was stated back in the first few months. He recently said "most" things haven't changed from when he left. He still won't specify. I can list what has changed with me...and it is quite a bit...but I'm not going to get hung up on his "list". Let's face it , there will ALWAYS be something.

What I want? To help him feel secure in taking another chance. For him to feel safe talking to me about ANYTHING. For him to feel that he can come to me with his needs...all of them. I'm realistic and do know that nobody can meet one person's needs. Whether he does or not is TBD'd.

He is afraid of falling into old patterns. I get this. It scares me too. I would like him to feel secure enough with me , to give us the opportunity to heal and start anew.

I would like us to be team in every aspect! Sex, emotional needs, daily affirmations, financial teamwork...I would rather work with what I've got than ever try with a complete stranger. I do love him. I wouldn't step as far out of my comfort zone if I didn't .

If I look at how I felt prior to this, it helps me to emotionally distance myself. Where I am is very difficult. For in many ways I was more detached in my marriage. Now every nuance is touching nerves and causing emotions within me to flare. When I should be detached , now, is almost impossible for me. When I shouldn't have been prior to this, when we should have been one, we weren't .

I sure pray there is hope for us. I'm dancing as fast as I can, and working harder than I've ever worked in my life!

[ssmguy]

I like your orgasm story.

Though it sounds like he's considerate, I agree that it sounds like he hasn't really ever put you number one, and even now he's treating you that way. He likes keeping you around, but you're not the center of things for him.

Have you ever demanded anything of him? Have you ever made him feel that something else was more important to you when he wanted to be with you? Have you ever stated in a matter-of-fact manner that something he did, or failed to do, was "disappointing"? For example, about any of the items in your earlier post about disappointments around the time you got married? Or did you keep your disappointments to yourself?

[Ambivalent]

Sometimes I did and sometimes I kept it to myself. The sex, no, I was afraid. I did tell him when I found out about him using a prostitute. I blurted it out, but took responsibility . Meaning it wasn't his fault that I couldn't climax, that it was me.

When it came to his family, I did bring it up. As for his time with sports, I believe I did but it made no difference. He would come up with some excuse about his job and traveling and not having a regular schedule. But yet he could still commit to his games and practices, golf, etc...

As for demanding , no. But I'm sure I did make him feel something else was more important. For example,
when we moved to where we are currently, I had done a ton of landscaping. For it to survive the Summer, I had to water it regularly. That Summer I didn't go to the beach with the family.

I believe that bothered him, for he did bring it up when talking about our property and how much work it was. I have remedied this by the by.

We've been together quite sometime, so I'm sure I have done it more. Why?

[Ambivalent]

By the way, he isn't going to put me as number one right now...we are separated AND he is in MLC. MLC is all about him!

[ssmguy]

Yeah, you're right, if he's in MLC the number one person in his life is himself.

[ssmguy]

...I did tell him when I found out about him using a prostitute. I blurted it out, but took responsibility . Meaning it wasn't his fault that I couldn't climax, that it was me.

I don't understand the logic there. You couldn't climax, so he went to a prostitute? Surely he wasn't expecting them to have real orgasms? Perhaps he needed a good fake orgasm to boost his ego.

We've been together quite sometime, so I'm sure I have done it more. Why?

When someone makes no demands at all they can be seen as being passive and happy, which could result in their partner not making much effort.

[Roberta]

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[Ambivalent]

Originally Posted By: Ambivalent
...I did tell him when I found out about him using a prostitute. I blurted it out, but took responsibility . Meaning it wasn't his fault that I couldn't climax, that it was me.

I blurted out that I knew about the P.

I took responsibility that it wasn't his fault that I couldn't climax. He went to her he says, because he needed to be touched, he was going crazy.

Now at the time he went to her...was in the middle of us selling our house, one daughter falling apart, and me stressed beyond compare. He never told me how he felt.

He probably hinted, but we never sat down and discussed it.

When someone makes no demands at all they can be seen as being passive and happy, which could result in their partner not making much effort.

N

Well if you mean demands sexually, no I never have. It never ever occurred to me to do so. I asked if he would hold my face ore head. I also asked for him to take me passionately, not rape, not aggressively but , throw me up against a wall.

Never got either :C