Moving My Picnic Blanket Over Here

[bustingout]

Sometimes I wonder if H is simply just 'fine' and I am imagining everything. He does a good job at making me think at times that there really is no connection and can't be, except for being nice about the kids.

I know I don't know him anymore. I believe I understand his core, I believe I understand now why he left.

I think I still try and fx things. Want to make things good. Not go back - rather forward as a family. Up until now I believe I have done well for me and my kids. I know there is still more I can do. To continue moving forward.

Oh and the latest? He brought home a new tv and DVD player. Again I think it's from his place. Who knows. It's a cool tv- I won't say no. I thanked him kindly.

The part I have a hard time dealing with are the demons that tell me I am the cause of him not being with us- living with our children. The ways he shows disinterest in me... Is not disinterest it's ... Nothingness... He could really give a sh!t if I were arond or not. That's how it feels.

What is that?