Well after so much success in getting my W back last time after 9 months she is gone again and this time have little hope….
We got back together last year after being separated for 4 months. It happened pretty quick. One day she contacted me and I suggested that we get together for one last night. To my surprise she took me up on my offer and at the end of the night / morning I walked her to her door, I gave her a hug and she whispered in my ear “it’s not over”.
That was one of happiest days of my life, for sure. Within a month we bought a new house and moved our family back in together. Life was great or so I thought. I took to heart the issues we had before and really focused on making them right. I completely changed my relationship with her boys, was more aware of financial issues and tried to keep her out of the drama of my custody battle. I did back slide in some areas for sure. I gained most of the weight I had lost back which I think was a huge issue for her.
At the end of the year we went to court and got full custody of my oldest and a new court date was set for future for custody of my youngest (long story). Her oldest son was doing great. He had a job, grades in school were great, had his first girlfriend and we bought him a new car. Then in March it all started to go wrong. Within a two month time frame we found pot under the seat of his car, he got fired from his job, found out his girlfriend had been in and out of mental hospital, he wrecked his brand new car by running a stop light, found out that not only was he smoking pot but he was also selling pot and last he ended up in the mental hospital because he was cutting and talking about killing himself.
Needless to say this really took it’s toll on us. I was right by her side and supported everything she wanted to do. After her son got out of the hospital she did not want anything to do with him and did not see him for a few months because he was blaming her for everything and telling everyone she was abusive to him. That really hurt her as she is such a good mother.
During this time she was growing distant from me and I found out that she was texting a guy from high school. She was on Facebook constantly and this one guy she was texting over 1200 text per month and I confronted her about it. It would not have bothered me so much but I was getting so little from her. If I got a text of two during the day it was a good day but sometimes she said she did not have time. Then to find out that she was caring on with this other guy so much really hurt. She said it was nothing and he was like her life coach. She stopped texting him but was really upset with me about it. Then the summer came and she started hanging out with her friends again and growing even more distant from me. There were times that she would come home at 2 am and pretty drunk. It did not happen a lot but during the worst week it happen three days in a row and I said something to her about it. At that point she again told me she was not happy and that she felt like nothing changed. I went through her issues and point out how different things were. She agreed with some things but in the end she said “I deserve to be with someone I am attacked to” That hurt me like nothing else she could have said.
So she went to stay at her friend’s house for a week and during that week I had another financial bomb from my first ex-wife that I was in the custody battle with. Needless to say that was the final straw for my W. I was due to go back to court in September for custody of my youngest and my W could not deal with that either.
Within a month she had moved out. I tried to work things out with her but she said she was done and given the financial issue now pending I encouraged her to move on with the divorce so she did not get caught up in it. We have had very little contact since she left. Most of it has been positive but there are times that I have lost it. She kept posting on Facebook how much she has been through and how she just woke up one day and decided she was going to change things. Then she posted “There comes a time in life when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh and forget about the bad. It was about that time I also found out that she started dating…. I ended up deleting her from Facebook for my own sanity.
So now that the divorce is final and I too am dating again I still know I love her and that I want our relationship to start again. So I am back here for any helpful suggestions. Thanks for reading all of this!
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
Well had hoped a little for feed back or questions but I will just journal for now...
Day of the divorce. We had both agreed on everything and were just doing a default decree but because a box on the form did not get checked the judge required my W to come in for a short hearing. She told me about it and said I did not need to be there. So the day was coming and I thought I would show up so she did not have to go through it alone. After much thought the day before I decided it was best if I did not show up and send her a card. The card was basically thanking her for the last three years and the memories that we created. Did not ask her to come back but let her know I cared. She text me that afternoon and said that the divorce was final and she would send me a copy of the decree. About two hours later I received an email from match.com with my latest matches. Yep you guessed it. There she was a 98% match for me. I was sad to know that she had joined match but at the same time maybe if she sees a few people she will start to miss what we had. I forwarded the email to her and said what perfect timing Match had by matching us 2 hours after divorce was final. She responded and said that she joined out of curiosity and that she was not interested in meeting anyone that dating was more my thing. I did not respond as I did not start dating until I found out that she had. I guess it is time to pull back and see if she initiates any contact. Really miss her and her boys!
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
This past Friday, two days after the divorce, my W text me and asked me to call her. I called her and she said that her washing machine was not working and was wondering if I could take a look at it. She was very apologetic about asking me to do anything for her but she said that she simply could not afford to replace it and she knows how handy I am. I told it I was glad she called and could come by Saturday am and take a look. I showed up with tools in hand and ended up having to take her washing machine completely apart to fix it. Spent about 2-3 hours there. Had a chance to chat with her and see her boys. I got it fixed and then said good bye to the boys and she walked me out. She thanked me and gave me a hug.
She text me later and said that she had just used the washer and it worked great and thank you thank you thank you!!! I responded "Great! It was good to see you and the boys...”
That was the last time I have communicated with her. I tend to be the one to initiate contact and that is how it was the first time she left. When she came back she said that was one of the reasons she came back was because I did not give up on her but now with the divorce being final maybe I should just let her go. I have text her maybe once a week for the last few months with the generic "happy Friday hope you have a good weekend" kind of thing. She always responds with something similar. Kind of feel like if I stop contacting her at all then she will simply be gone. Thoughts?
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
Mach1 so glad to see you are still around! I can't tell you how valuable your advice was last time around, even though sometimes it was not what I wanted to hear.
When I think back to what worked last time I had a few things that were in my favor. We lived just 5 houses away and so I would see her and/ or she would see me from time to time out in the front yard, at the mail box, at the grocery store, etc... The kids would go back and forth to visit. Even then there were not too many times when she initiated contact. Although it was more then, than it is now for sure. I would drop by once in a while and give her and her boys a small gift. Now she lives about 5 miles away. The last time my girls saw her was when we took her out for her birthday at the end of August. She responds when my girls text her but she never initiates contact. My oldest is very upset with her for leaving again. They were very close and it is so strange that she does not reach out to any of us. Well unless she needs something from me. I have seen her twice since the end of August. The first time was to drop off some mail and a few things that were left here and the second time was last week when she called because her washer was broken.
I think that I have backed off a lot more that what I did last time. Last time she gave me hope and made me feel like there was still a chance. She was not pushing the divorce and just wanted to live and see how things went. Now we both kind of pushed the divorce. I more so because I did not want her to get tangled up in the financial mess that was caused by my first wife. I have let her know that I still have hope for us. The occasional card or text. I am always the one to initiate. She always responds and is very nice but usually kind of brief.
I am sure she is interested in seeing what happens with the financial stuff and also if I am going to continue to take care of myself and get in better physical and mental shape. That said I don't know if I continue to initiate contact once in a while or just let her go completely.
I have started dating. I have been seeing a very nice woman and it has made this much easier. I almost stop seeing her last week after seeing my W because I guess seeing her brought back all those feelings and I just know she is the person I love and really want to be with. The lady I am seeing has commented that she is the rebound relationship and I feel bad about that. I keep telling myself not to get to involved with her as I know I am not ready for that but it is nice to have someone who wants to spend time with you.
Thinking about my W and how she has just been able to move on with her life and basically case people aside and not initiate contact with them is difficult. She did it with her son who she has only recently started to spend time with so basically about 6 months that she did not have him in her life. My girls who she was very close to. They thought of her as their real mother but unless they make the effort to contact her she is simply gone. And me. She walked out on us again at the time we needed her most. She is very kind about everything and I know she has an enormous heart but to think she can just move on with life without us in it is hard to understand.
She mentioned last week when I saw her that she was in to the Doctors again and is going through a new round of hormone replacement and she is feeling much better. She said prior to that she would have days that she sat and cried all day long. She said it was not that she was sad or upset but she just could not stop crying. Last time she left it had a lot to do with her hormones being out of whack so I am hoping she starts to miss us or something.
Plan going forward.... I intend to cut back on the notes. Was sending something maybe once a month, just to say hi and that I was thinking of her. And texts I was texting her maybe once a week saying something like happy Friday and that I hoped she had a good weekend. She would typically respond with a brief note. When I ask her a question about how her father is doing or something like that she is a bit more open. Just feel like if I cut off initiating communication all hope is lost and maybe I need to face the facts and realize that it already is....
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
Really struggling today. Not sure why but can’t stop thinking about my W and wondering what could have been or what could be. I know it is not healthy to keep going this way. Trying to keep busy but disappointed that I have not heard from her. I have spoken to a couple people but the one to give the most support has her own motives so not sure that is to helpful either.
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
“So what changed ??” What changed in the marriage? Well the issues that cause the first separation were: - My relationship with her boys. I was so consumed with the custody battle and my kids I did not build a relationship with her boys. I worked on this in a big way. Focused on being a better step-father and made them a bigger part of my life. I was more active with them and stopped having so many rules. It was to the point that the youngest was always happy to see me giving hugs and enjoying having me around. They have a good father and mother so they really don’t need anything more than that. I think my girls and I were more tied emotionally to her than her and her boys were to me.
- The custody battle itself was and emotional and financial drain on our relationship. Instead of telling her everything that was going on and having it be a constant drain I tried to keep her out of the day to day crap. It was still present but I tried to shoulder more of the burden.
- My weight – I had lost about 50 pounds during first separation and felt a lot better about myself. This is one of the places I fell down. I gained most of the weight back and that was a big mistake. As I said above one of the most hurtful things she said to me was that she deserved to be with someone she is attracted to. I am back and gym and have lost most of that weight again and plan on really getting in best shape of my life. Too little too late.
- Stuff – I tended to hold onto too much stuff which caused clutter. I purged a bunch of stuff and was really working on not leaving the clutter but still had a way to go.
- Just being- I think she wanted me to just be. I was always doing something around the house. I tend to be always on the go. I should have spent more time focusing on getting her out and away just the two of us. I thought that if I took on more around the house cooking, cleaning etc. it would really give her time to enjoy but in hind sight I should have focused on spending more time just being with her, enjoying quiet time with her.
- Too Needy – I worked on this. Tried to encourage her to go out with her friends and tried not to be so needy but when she started slipping away again I started to try and hold on too tight again. Should have let go much sooner.
“You said that you pushed for the Divorce....???”
When I knew that she was serious about moving forward with the divorce I let her know that it was not what I wanted but if she was going to do it we should get it done. My ex-wife’s attorney found a loop hole in bankruptcy code. In my first divorce the judge ordered me to pay 30k in her attorney’s fees and he also ordered her to pay 23k in debt that was in my name. I started paying attorney but ex defaulted on 23k in debt assigned to her. I was left with little option but to file for bankruptcy. She also filed for bankruptcy and discharged the attorney’s fees and the credit card debt that was assigned to her. Now 6 years later her attoney is garnishing my wages to collect those attorney fees as they are not dischargeable in chapter 7. Add 6 years of interest and it is now 50k. I went to court to argue it but it is a mess and I am stuck. So my current attorney is recommending that I file chapter 13 and given I may not have a choice I did not want to get my current wife tangled up in this mess. Was trying to look out for her but if she was willing to stay we could have figured it out but she was not interested.
“And now you are dating, when you admit that it is wrong, and it is unfair to the girl that you are seeing....”
- Yes I have started dating. I am seeing a lady. I do feel a bit okward at times knowing I still care for my now ex-wife but at the same time I am trying to take things day by day. Not making any promises and just trying to enjoy... Part of moving forward with life…
“How exactly, are your actions matching any of your words here..????” - Not sure my words match my actions at all. Yes I am still in love with my ex-wife. I have to try and accept that my ex-wife has moved on and right now there is nothing I can do but to try and enjoy life as it comes. I tend to over think everything so in a way it is actually a good thing that I am taking things day by day and not thinking too much about the future. The lady I am dating knows the situation and has even made that statement that she is the rebound girl. I don’t think of her that way. I enjoy spending time with her and so why not. I am divorced and my ex has made it clear that she is done. I have been on match a couple times in the last month and each time I am on there the ex is on-line. So her claim that she is not really interested in dating is not true. She has not contacted me since she needed help with her washer a week and a half ago. Do I continue to try and contact her once in a while to maintain a dialog or do I leave the ball in her court?
“I'm not certain, that you can ride two horses with only one ass...” - I agree. Not really riding two horses at this time. I have someone from my past that I care about and wants nothing to do with me. I am seeing a lady that I enjoy spending time with and she with me. Is there a future with either one? I don’t know. The horse I need to focus on right now is me. I need to get myself to a better place physically, mentally and financially before I can even think about getting back in the saddle with anyone. I am not sure if I am taking right steps. Just don’t know. Do I stop seeing this woman and continue to hold out hope for someone who makes no effort and is herself dating others. Will her finding out that I am dating someone bring her closer or push her further away? I don’t know and if you have the answers to any of this I would love to hear them. When I think about my ex coming back at times I wonder why I would even consider taking her back when she has walked out on my kids and I twice and caused so much pain in the process. What kind of idiot would I be to put myself thru that again? Yes at this point I know I am an idiot because there is not a doubt in my mind that I want her back but every day that passes, the pain lessens and the good memories begin to be over shadowed by her actions. I tend to only remember the good times with her and the feeling of the love we shared. I take the blame for our marriage failing but I know she has her own faults and is ultimately responsible for walking away. I tried to get her to go to counseling with me but she refused. At some point it will be too late but I am not there yet…
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
