The tide is high, but I'm holding on

[cat04]

At the end of the post you say:

"Baby steps are great...sort of...

When we reach this point, most people say, F baby steps, I want Giant leaps. I want this to end sooner rather than later...."

Then turn around and say:

"The expectations of things being one way or the other way, are the things that ultimately do the LBS in.

Same as always...it didn't break overnight, and it won't fix overnight."

So... Which is it?

There is no either or...

It is both.

If you push for the giant leaps, you are going to see someone who turns and runs...

If your expectations are high that things are going to be suddenly better, that there is going to be a huge gesture that suggests committment, you are going to be let down.

I think many of us expect something grandiose, like BD was. And that doesn't happen. The relationship will slowly evolve if it is going to.


If you allow it to...

As far as what reconciliation looks like to me-

I can tell you what it doesn't look like. That's a half- hearted, half-a$$ed attempt at saving our M from someone who is half- baked. And I think that's all my H is capable of at this point.

That may be all he is capable of at this point.

That may be all he is capable of for a while.

And it could change...

It's up to you if you want to wait and see or not.

See, I've kinda embraced the whole concept that I'm the prize in this. And if I'm the prize, I think perhaps he needs to do some thinking and figure out how to win me back.

He's been able to figure out how to have an affair with a married co-worker for two years, deplete our savings, live a double life full of lies and deceit. So... I'm thinking if he wants to be married to me, he can figure that out too. Just sayin.

Yes you are the prize.

From what I am reading, you are still very angry about the A and you, maybe not consciously, seem to want to punish him for that.

Doing that, won't get you very far.

Forgiveness is given. Trust is earned. Period.

You can forgive someone who may not "deserve" it or even care. You can forgive someone, and they don't even know it.

It's a choice you make for you. It is something that doesn't change. Once you decide to forgive someone, you move forward past the wrong.

Trust on the other hand...
That requires reciprocation, plain and simple. It's something that's fluid, that can change and morph.

I used to feel that way.

I agree with you about the forgivness. That is how it works.

I have learned though that trust is something that is also given. It requires a leap of faith that forgivness does not.

Last night, I was struggling to figure out how to put this into words because I honestly didn't know how to express it.

This morning, that has changed.

I am in a situation right now where one of my surrogate children is on the verge of death. While I use the word surrogate, know that in my heart, she is as important as the one I gave birth to.

There is nothing that can be done. She has been put on a DNR. The biggest leap of faith in the world has had to be taken by her mother and those of us who love her like our own.

We have had to put our trust in God, which is a concept that some people don't even believe in, to do what is right.

Faith, in general, is necessary in order to be willing to give trust.

Faith in yourself. That you, and things in general, will be ok no matter what. If you know that, then it is pretty easy to give trust, until you have a reason not to give it.

Giving another person trust, puts you in a position of vulnerability. Because it gives them an opportunity to hurt you.

Being with someone you don't trust, keeps a space and distance that is detrimental to a relationship.

One more thing...

I truly believe that I will be able to forgive my H - but that is not the same as trusting him or having a relationship with him. He plays a part in developing those things.

What are you waiting for?

Not forgiving him, is not going to help you in the long run.

You can't simply believe that you will be able to forgive him, you need to do it.

If you can't, don't want to, are waiting for some sign before you try...

Then you are wasting your time.

It has to come first.