Hello all. I have been reading here for quite some time, learned that a lot of peoples stories mirror my own. Basic background...wife told me in May of this year the ILYBNILWY stuff, need space, yada, yada, moved out in June. I remained in the home with my stepson who refused to go with her. We also have an 8 yr old S that we share time with, week with her, week with me. She was having an affair, (imagine that) and started doing a partying with her sister she moved in with her. None while she had our son but pass out drunk on weeks she didn't have him. So I filed for custody of my son as I did not trust her enough to think that may not occur while he was there. Today I dropped that custody case as I feel it creates major tension with my immediate family. We have been talking and spending more time together. She says she only wants me, now realizes that I am what she wants, and wants us to go slow. Heard that about half a dozen times since May so don't put much faith in it as she seems to be in that pattern. Refuses to cut off ties with the ON because our kids play together and she says she can be friends and that is all for the kids sake. Also still contacts other men she has dated since she left and says they are only friends. Ok, heard all of these stories about we are just friends before, gut instinct tells me to run, however her big issue during our marriage was I wasn't attentive enough, didn't make her feel like number one priority, and wasn't there when she needed me. So I have been paying attention but have told her I just don't think we can move forward as a couple with these friend relationships still existing. I have took the time to attempt to stand in her shoes and see what she its talking about, but I find myself thinking this is just a way for her to have the best of both worlds. She even said that is why she tried to hide the affair originally. I told her now that the custody case was dropped she had no reason to pretend to be nice or want a relationship.
I suppose a paragraph would be nice huh? Some more background, met in 2000, married in 02, she had a son whom I have raised like my own that is now 17 and basically does not want a relationship with her. We had a son that is now 8 and thinks the works of his mom and dad. We worked odd hours early on so we didn't require a baby sitter and so we could get her thru college. She started work full time in 09, went crazy with our finances after she stated earning more, I didn't discover we owed what felt like everybody until Feb 2012 when I attempted to take out a loan and got quite a surprise. Her grandmother passed summer of last year, very traumatic trip back home for her as she has some deep rooted issues that were buried instead of addressed from there. I did not attend the trip to her hometown as we had a wake locally and did not realize she would have basically a nervous breakdown there. I can never forgive myself for that one, I just never saw it coming as she is a very strong individual. She attempted suicide later that year, had to keep my sons from seeing that as it was in our home. She told me she was trying to get my attention that she wanted more affection from me. I said that was not the best way at attempting that. Started her affair January of this year, got put on Paxil and Xanex March of this year.
Now in November she shows no intention of moving home, says she wants to be married but in two separate households, lost her job but does not ask me for money. Wants to be friends with the AP. I have tried NC, but she still calls or texts everyday with something concerning our boys. We are both doing IC for approx 3 months. We have taken vacations together and dated some. I tell her if she is not committed please do not do this to or sons as it will crush them again.
I have been giving her space, truly listening to her, thinking about what her needs are that I wasn't meeting and correcting them for this or the next relationship, have did several 180's that she has noticed, read divorce remedy, 5LL's to see where I went wrong. I do realize I an to blame for half of marital issues, but her affair was a decision.
My question is where do you draw the line and say enough is enough. You don't want to break ties with AP completly because kids play together and you don't wasn't to disrupt him but I can't feet her to understand the pain and lack of trust it creates for me. Not sure if she doesn't or if she does then maybe she does not care. Wants us to spend holidays together with all if her family. Makes absolutely no rationale to me. At the end of my town here and need some help.
Sorry for the book I wrote but had to give some catchup info.
Any replies would be most appreciative.
Thanks to those who have posted on this forum as I have read lots here.
