Hoping for Reconciliation after being Separated...

[chasingpavements]

I don't necessarily look to him for re-assurances, however I do find my expectations get out of check once in a while and I have to remind myself that things are different now. I have been so emotional lately and that hasn't been helping. For example I might expect a hug from him at a time he normally does, and if he doesn't I feel a bit saddened, and I get that panicking feeling that he is no longer wanting to reconcile. I find I often have to re-focus and get back to my DB'ing and not get too ahead of myself. I don't want to lose everything that I have gained from DB'ing because I am moving too quickly or having too many expectations.

Today I caught myself thinking about him and overanalyzing things. I had a lightbulb moment where I remembered back to the old DB'ing days where I had to remember to focus on myself and that the world doesn't revolve around him. I have a life too, and need to be more independent. I always seem to put so much focus on him. I just want to enjoy life!

I get a little upset once in a while that things are not moving quicker, then I just rationalize that we are moving at the pace which makes sense for us, and it's good that we are not rushing things. I am actually quite enjoying my free time around the house where I can do things how I like to.

I think we are at a really good place right now. We are exploring our feelings for each other and things seem different between us. We are more affectionate now than we have been in years. It makes me wonder how I could have been so blind as to not notice this was missing for the past 10 years. I guess we had just gotten into a pattern of doing things a certain way, and we had stopped being affectionate and loving. It also makes me realize that I don't want to go another 10 years without it, that life is too precious to not live every moment to it's fullest.

H has been going to his counselor every week and seems to be enjoying it and getting a lot out of it. I ask him every so often how it is going, and he always surprises me by actually going into detail over what is going on.

In the beginning I was worried that he needed the counselor in order to decide whether to stay with me or not, but that doesn't seem to be the case based on what he has told me. His counselor gave him homework to figure out some rules about what to do differently in the future if things are bothering him about me and the relationship so that this doesn't happen all over again. I told him that I had been so worried about that. He hasn't come up with the rules yet, I'm sure that will be a discussion sometime in our near future.

It is true, I do worry that history will repeat itself. We got to this place largely because we were not able to communicate to each other our core needs and our resentments started building until we were enemies. I would ask him if everything was ok and he would tell me it was. I would ask if he loved me and he would say yes. I came to find out after the fact that it wasn't true. He was not telling the truth because he didn't want to deal with it, and he thought he was doing the right thing by "playing along". Truth is, I am scared to death of that happening again.

I asked him recently how I would know that he was committed to things because in the past he had told me he was playing along. I wanted to know how I could trust that the changes he was making were real this time. He jokingly said he wouldn't be doing all of this stuff right now if he didn't want this.

I asked him what made him change his mind to want to work on things again. He said that he had come to realize that I wasn't completely to blame for my trust issues with him, that he played a part in it as well, because through counseling he discovered that part of it was that he has not been able to bond with me and form that connection that would make me feel more secure. He shuts himself off from me. Since BD, he told me, he had not been able to get over that trust issue, but counseling has helped him. He also said that he realized that there was more there between us than he previously thought. That he really liked me and missed me.

Wow, this was supposed to be a short post! I guess there was more to write about than I thought. We have been having a nice time together the past couple of weeks. He has been helping out with the kids and making dinner for us in the evenings. He is still living at his brother's and he stays over here a couple of nights a week.

We are also 'dating' now once every 2 weeks. We've been going out for appetizers and going for walks. We were supposed to watch the big George StPierre match the other night but ended up watching the Leafs game instead. I'd like to try some new, fun exciting things to do on our dates, as I feel we have been in a rut of doing the same things. Anyone have any fun, new date ideas?

He has invited me along to a hockey game in a few weeks that most of his family will be going to, all of his brothers and their wives and his sister and her boyfriend. I haven't seen them since Father's Day! I don't even know what his family knows about our situation. I am guessing that people have drawn their own conclusions about us since I have not been to any family functions lately. I feel a little bit awkward about going, but to me this is a big step for us, that he is inviting me.

So things are good, and I just have to keep remembering, baby steps and keep moving forward. As my old DBing friend Fly would say, "Patience Grasshopper"