Moving My Picnic Blanket Over Here

[bustingout]

Hi MLC Forum,

I am Bustingout. I have been in Newcomers since May 2012. I have had a long journey thus far (you can see my signature). I dont want to go into too many details right now about the history of the sitch...basically H is still in replay, moved to another country in March 2013 (on the pretenses of work), lives (ed?) with OW and was a typical spewing, blaming, angry, cold, withholding, lying, secretive, selfish, fog of a man (wow--I am really painting a stellar picture of H! lol) I know you all get me.


There has been NO movement in my sitch.

H has been adamant that I am the problem. I have been blamed that his affair was my fault for not granting him a D...etc. That was said in 2011(when the OW was *just* an EA) and nothing else has been said about the matter.

A few months back he told S9 that we are not together because it is difficult for him to be with me. That p!ssed me off. I thought I had been out of his way for awhile. The comment encouraged me to detach more, look within more. Let him go...more.

There is a 'dance' of some sort. A slow, almost rhythmless dance.

More recently, there has been some 'movement' that I have observed. Not directly towards me.

August 2013-rumors from 'reliable' sources of downward spiral with OW. H lies about work and travels to see OW (I assume to fix things) and decides to miss D6's bday as a result. third year in a row he misses her bday. This starts me off on a new path of detachment. First time I feel a burn of anger that propels me forward.

First time H socializes with me and our old friends, in over a year.

September 2013-observations leads me to suspect that he has moved out of the place he stays in when he is here in town (OWs place). I find his house keys in my home after he left back to the country he lives in now (he left them...? someone dropped them off?). I have seen these keys before in his car (with half a heart keychain attached...gag).


Some political unrest where I live leads H to send text asking if we want to come to where he is until it settles down. First time he ever comes close to the idea of us going to him. I politely decline.

In the meantime I am planning a safari for me and the kids for October break. Kids want H to come as it will be his birthday. I extend invitation as bday gift. H says he will think about it, declines in the end. I had no expectations as I know the pull OW has on him. Second time he misses his birthday with us.

October 2013- When H comes back for next visit in October he does not ask about keys, does not take keys, even though they are lying in plain view next to the front door.

H is noticeably kinder to me. Says he looks forward to xmas this year (we spend it with his family every year).

H starts leaving things here at home. i.e. one day he is telling me about his Apple TV and how great it is especially in the country he now lives in because the internet connection is so great. I make a joke that our internet connection is just fine...joke joke..next day he brings his apple tv over. hooks it up and leaves it here. Weird because a. he said it was in the other country he lives in and b. weird.


(I am feeling really good at this point in time..a lot has sunk in. I feel like the things i have learnt over the past year and a half are really a part of me now. I have distanced. I am loving from a far. I am living my life one day at a time and feeling good. I have released a lot of fear, let go of a lot of baggage and am finally starting to feel present in my own life).

During this same visit H socializes with me and our old friends for second time since August.

November 2013-H back for 2 weeks. I am very busy with a conference and see him very little. Small things observed....he carries my bag. touches my arm when saying hello (as opposed to the eye darts).

S9 tells me that he had a conversation with daddy. He said daddy said that me and him are friends but daddy and mummy dont understand each other (me in my head: really? I didnt know I had this friend nor that we were having a misunderstanding...if this is his idea of friendship...lol....but MLC is confusion so I guess it is hard to understand )

S9 also says that daddy asked him if he would be less sad if daddy slept at home when he was in town. S9 said yes. And then S9 said that daddy said maybe. one step at a time.

I am not basing my life on an interpretation of what S9 told me. I promise :-) I do want to say though that I have felt that H is at a loose end as to his living arrangements right now when he is in town.

So thats the summary (sorry that was LONG).

What am I doing? Nothing. I am doing my best to really become what I have learned. To practice being mindful, letting it be and letting the answers come to me. I know I will need your help.

I also have identified something I want to work on within me. I realise that I have a deep insecurity about people mocking me (whether they are or not!). I think it stems back to feeling like an outsider growing up...I was of a different ethnicity in the place I was growing up in as a child, and I realise some of those feelings still surface as an adult when I am in certain situations. hmmmm.

I will go for now.

I have been reading most of your sitches for almost six months. I feel very familiar with you feel comfortable being here.

love, Busting