The vets have said that a lot of times, D-talk = "I need space".
For whatever reason...whether feeling the closeness coming back within themselves, or the LBS is pursuing, or they are processing their guilt and have the "run" reflex, etc.
We just don't know for sure, though we can speculate, whatever good that does.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
^ Agree^. Mine will make comments about our future together and then make another comment about how I will handle house on my own in the future (eye roll).
My little story from this past weekend. Sat morning W is laughing out loud in her bedroom. Is comfortable enough to come join me on the master bed with her iPad, playing a narrated uTube video of the children's book "Go to F to Sleep". (!) It is quite funny (look it up) and we both had good a laugh.
Later that day I was showing her the carpet I picked out for our home office. She comments "Oh, that's nice and neutral, no one buying the house would complain about that"
It hurt me for a moment, because I felt she was warming up a bit, (and I still feel she is) but I recovered much quicker than I would have in the past.
Lesson to me: Keep your eyes on The Big Picture, not the little bumps.
Quote:
As LBS's, we all had to find our happiness inside of us and our peace. I understand how fleeting it is when tied to the external rather than the internal. That's what makes me empathetic to not only my H, but a lot of the WAS out there.
^^^Agreed! I hope that our example can help lead the way for them. Another reason why finding our own life meaning, purpose and happiness is so important.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks folks! It's been one of those days but I'm ok. Thankfully, I was busy with work and then immediately went into basketball dad mode. W and I acted same as always this evening and she is helping S9 with homework lately.
I've been thinking what has caused her to feel pressure or the need to run and I have a good idea. My mother called last night to ask what W would like for Christmas. W was irritated by it.
Oh well, keep on keeping on. One of the things that has worried me from the beginning of this is that W is not the type to change her mind once she's made a decision. So, I've feared she would have to see this through.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Thanks folks! It's been one of those days but I'm ok. Thankfully, I was busy with work and then immediately went into basketball dad mode. W and I acted same as always this evening and she is helping S9 with homework lately.
I've been thinking what has caused her to feel pressure or the need to run and I have a good idea. My mother called last night to ask what W would like for Christmas. W was irritated by it.
Oh well, keep on keeping on. One of the things that has worried me from the beginning of this is that W is not the type to change her mind once she's made a decision. So, I've feared she would have to see this through.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
If its any consolation, my H was also one to follow through with a decision. That's why he had to cling to the mantra for so long, "I'm never coming back."
And he also followed the same pattern -- periods of closeness followed by periods of D talk.
And I was firm about my needs, financial and otherwise, in D settlement. I can assure you H went away feeling plenty sorry for himself but I had it all written on paper (budget, and so on) so he couldn't deny me what the boys and I needed.
But he kept saying how poor he would be and how long it would take him to start over (I'm playing the violin for his sorrow.)
All that was true. But I was kind but firm.
You can do this Mm. And you are doing it. She is asking for space, a D. She is afraid. She thinks she isn't good enuf to be your spouse, IMO. When she gets to the other side she will see what a treasure you are. And she will also recognize her own value. She won't be a lost "daddy's girl" any more, she will be a valued mom and treasured wife!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
I can't wait for that day, rH! I've told her before that it's not going to be easy for her to help pay the mortgage and start over too. She continues to live in a fantasy when it comes to what a D actually means. Our discussions will be like a business transaction. I have to do what's best for my boys. That's all that matters.
Your story gives me hope and encouragement. Always has. I have often thought she feels "not good enough" to be here and she is acting out to make that become a reality. It's not true though and I'm doing my best to love her unconditionally.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
It's been a busy week. Boys have basketball practice every night so makes things really tough in the evenings. Wednesday all of us, W included, went to the church gym to exercise. W walked and the boys and I played basketball with others.
W has a birthday this next week. She asked me to grill steaks for her on the day of. I agreed to, of course. It will be my only gift to her. Hurts, but that's where we are.
Last night the boys and I went to the high school football game. Sat out in a drizzle but had a really good time. Afterwards we went to the church for a function we put on after the home games. Lots of food, games and conversation. A lot of the players come by, which the boys enjoy. W stayed home and napped on the couch. She was here when we got home. Helped get the boys to bed and left
Today is basketball games for the boys. W is then going out this evening for her birthday. And next weekend too, I've heard. Oh well. Maybe next year I'll be invited lol. Even better, I could be on the menu!!!
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Hi Mm, I find that interesting that she wants you to host her birthday. Has there been no other D talk? I would think if you have a great birthday with her it will scare her. But, you still have to do it. Is her birthday a day other than Thanksgiving Day then?
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Thanks rH! Her birthday was the 26th. I made lasagna; her favorite. She asked for it instead of steaks. She liked the birthday cards we gave her. The boys picked out their own. Both showed their personalities. All three were funny and she had good laughs reading them. Her mother came up and joined us. It was fun but hard at the same time.
I think it surprised her mother that I would do a big meal for the lady trying to leave me. If nothing else it showed I still care.
Thanksgiving went well. The boys have barely seen her until today other than for short periods. We did go to a movie together Wednesday evening. She and I shared a tub of popcorn sitting next to each other.
There has been no talk of D. But I expect it's coming. She seems more irritated the last few days. And she's looking tired. She's still beautiful to me!
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
I'm struggling today. I don't know how much longer I can go. I was out of town yesterday and today. I don't want to go back to an empty bed. I want someone to miss me. Someone other than my boys. I want a hug. A real one. I'm tired of crying out to God and not seeing or feeling his presence. Or a change in my situation.
I was walking down the street last night in the city and it hit me. If I was beaten and thrown in the ditch, how long before I'm missed. No one is checking on me at night. Or in the morning.
It's just breaking my heart. I know the holidays are making it worse. I'm tired of hurting.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
