If my H. had said he wanted a F-buddy or whatever, I too would have seen it as sex, and not intimacy.
This may be somewhat besides your point, but I'm prompted to say that depending on the people and their needs, an F-buddy can also be a very intimate experience. There's no rule written in stone that says that intimacy can only happen in a relationship that has developed over a long time, or can only happen in a marriage, or can only happen when all other aspects of your lives are intertwined.
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With mine , it is about connecting, feeling desired/needed/wanted. When he opened up about needing to be touched and not wanting to beg, while crying at the C's, it broke my heart! I saw what it meant, and that I was clueless and had to take charge of my libido, my role.
Well, in that case, I suppose you could say I'm never going to solve the sexual issue in my marriage because I never cried in therapy about the situation. I'm too cheerful, hopeful and positive.
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Where you may be at present...she doesn't understand at all.
Perhaps, but I get the feeling that there are issues she never overcame which were there even when we first met. Were there any hints at the beginning of your relationship of difficulties of any kind that could be problematic later?
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Now , your libido may be much higher even when she was interested. Back then you seemed to handle the difference, so if you got back to close to what it was, could you accept it?
The answer is probably "no" at this point because I know more now. I would not want to go back to a sexual relationship which was more lopsided and incomplete than I understood at the time. I realize the genders are not completely symmetric in all sexual respects, but let me ask you, would you accept "going back" to a relationship with your husband where he never had an orgasm and never allowed you to touch any of his intimate areas, ever? Even if you had orgasms all the time and he assisted you in having them for yourself? Wouldn't you feel like he wasn't really participating sexually?
My wife wasn't comfortable enough to address any of this sexual lopsidedness in therapy. We only talked about respect, love, and things we do outside the bedroom. Which helped a lot in those respects. But the bedroom issues were never faced. I don't think she ever wants to explore them. Whatever is blocking her is apparently much greater than her love for me, even though she says she loves me and does MANY wonderful things for me aside from sex. In fact, she has sometimes thought that I was ungrateful when I wanted sex after she had done so many other things for me. Kind of like, "I've done all this for you and you're still not happy -- you still want sex after all I've done for you?" As if lots of other kindnesses could be a substitute for sex.
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Could you not talk about it? Also, have you initiated out of the bedroom? Like in the car, park, woods, in your office? That is far more stimulating to me, than the OLD bedroom!
Sure, I even suggested we meet for lunch and have trysts in places outside work. She just thought it was kind of weird and that I was oversexed.
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I don't like the girlfriend thing either, and I believe it would just hurt me and I would feel enormous pressure.
Me wanting any kind of sex is seen as pressure. Doesn't matter how I dress it up or what context I put it in.
