Jon, I'm still a newbie, but (putting the cart WAY before the horse) have thought about the issues that would come with R, if it ever happens. I think your thoughts and fears are completely normal - you are human, after all! I am glad that you share them on here, and get the insight and advice of vets to this process, who can help guide you and look at things through a new lens. Please just make sure that you are not sharing these thoughts with your W. I'm all about honesty in a relationship, but I know all too well how often our thoughts and feelings change, and sometimes things you say in the heat of the moment can really stick for a long time, causing further problems and making R more difficult. I know I am *still* hurt by things that H said/did literally 5 years ago, if not more - and they played a large part in the demise of our M. He probably didn't even mean those things, or doesn't even think they are true anymore, or mean them in a much narrower context than I took them, but you can't strike that kind of testimony from the record, right?
So just my two cents. Keep it positive with W, keep up your PMA, think of the good things, give her the benefit of the doubt. When you have fears, anger, etc. - bring those things here and vent.
I am so hopeful for you, and am following your thread hoping for more great news. Good luck!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Appreciate all the input. I've been super busy - last week I started a new project, and my other two projects that were supposed to be wrapped up, of course bled over, so I was slammed. Will try to catch up this coming week!
I went Saturday morning and helped load and split firewood for a mutual friend. They are very poor, and heat their home with wood only, and have a baby due in February, so wanted to make sure they were well taken care of.
Went over to W's later that day, and just hung out for awhile. I ended up staying the night, but no hanky panky. Still is a little weird. We went to a new church Sunday, and it was good, but odd to be in church. The weather has been crappy and rainy and I wonder if that's messing with my mood.
W is the same as always - loving, gentle, kind, funny, laughs at me (in a good way), holds my hand, randomly tells me, "I love you so much". We were supposed to go to a "game night" with a few friends, and I forgot about it until right before, and W kind of turned into her old self, being very snooty and condescending about that type of thing. However, I told her, "If you went, you'd probably have fun..." and she sort of sighed and said, " You know you're right, I don't know why I act like that." I'm so glad that even if she hasn't resolved issues and responses, she quickly recognizes it and changes course.
I don't know though: I feel very dry, disconnected, unmotivated. I still like being around her, and enjoy our time together, but its like hanging out with my grandma. Maybe this is normal, and I should ask the Piecing folks, but is it possible to love someone, but lose that "connection"?
From what I've read, Piecing can take a lot of work before you feel "normal" again. I've read in older threads it can take years to sort through all of the feelings and settle into the brand new relationship. That's were counseling comes in to help with this.
Her leaving it was kind of created a thrill of the chase....now that you've got her back the thrill is gone. Its going to take work to get back and keep that loving feeling going...
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
We had the opposite effect. When we got back together, we couldn't control ourselves. We ML almost every night and went out at least 1-2 times a week on "dates". It was more passionate than when we first met in our 20s.
Our sitch was drug out for a year though, so maybe you weren't apart long enough.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
I've been thinking of you off and on today and about what you said you are feeling.
I think your feelings are even more evidence that you should really take your time and work on you and learn about yourself. It sounds like now that the "pursuit" appears to be over, your feelings have taken a 180. When you couldn't have her, most of the time you were hurt and angry. When she gave you good signs, you relaxed.
I think I mentioned it before, but at one time I felt like it was a game for you and that more than nothing else, you wanted to "win". And maybe I was right... now that you won you are feeling "now what?".
Or it could be you are having some doubt about her feelings and whether or not you are her second choice. I know I had that feeling off and on for about the first six months of piecing.
Or are you feeling the same way about the marriage that you did before the sitch? And if so, maybe it's those feelings and attitudes towards the marriage that got you here...?
I think you should consider IC in addition to MC to help you sort out your feelings, and if you decide you really do love her, the MC will help you get back on track and help you learn to forgive, and for both of you to love each other.
Just be sure that you stay with her for the right reason - that you love her, otherwise you both will be hurt worse the next time there's a sitch.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
I don't know though: I feel very dry, disconnected, unmotivated. I still like being around her, and enjoy our time together, but its like hanging out with my grandma. Maybe this is normal, and I should ask the Piecing folks, but is it possible to love someone, but lose that "connection"?
Of course, that's how must of us end up here, because we lost the connection! Why not plan things to make things more lively and less like hanging out with good ole gram. If you sit around and wait for the connection to happen, it isn't going to - you two have to work at creating it again. It gets better, much better for some of us and hopefully for most.
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I think you should consider IC in addition to MC to help you sort out your feelings, and if you decide you really do love her, the MC will help you get back on track and help you learn to forgive, and for both of you to love each other.
Love is a choice. We all know that the excitement fades with time and it is up to us to work at it to keep our Ms together or we end up on DB.com trying to get them back. I think NTX is right on about a lot of things. I also think, if you choose to do this, you can do this.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
I bet he won't be back. It sounds like he got what he wanted and they are back to their normal relationship.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
