Limbo is the new normal

[slow_it_down]

Quick Summary from 'Surviving Separation'
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2366752

My marriage has been on the rocks for the past 15 months. We've been separated on and off throughout that time (he's moved in and out at least 20 times). Our current separation has been in effect since May. We didn't speak at all for the first 3 months but things have been thawing and improving since then. My H is now showing some affection, looks forward to spending time with me, stays over a few nights per week, etc.

My H continues to improve in some of the areas that frustrated me to no end in the past. He's more helpful here at the house, pitching in with dishes and helping with our baby. He's also good about contributing financially when he used to just let me pay for everything. Overall he's far more reliable than he was even two months ago.

Right now I find that the battle remains to be me against myself. Little triggers make my stomach turn in wondering if he's still seeing someone else. Other triggers just remind me of things from the past 15 months that make me want to quit with no other reason than to forget this all happened.

Things are going so well so I try to focus on all the things that are going right and not on the things that make me sad. I'm also far busier now that I've returned to work after having our son so I have actually very little time to stress or dwell on our relationship.

I'm still frustrated that limbo has become the new normal for us. I'm really starting to feel like we are a married couple again but that we live in two different houses. At the same time, things feel 'fine' so I'm in no rush to push for him to move back. My H seems pretty content to not live here (mostly for the shorter commute from his place and the chance to get a good nights sleep when I'm up with the baby at my house). I just don't see an end to him enjoying having his own place.

If anyone has advice for turning off 'triggers' that remind you about the past, I'm all ears.

Also, Confluences - how are you holding up? I hope you have something fun planned for yourself for Thanksgiving. Its time to make some new traditions/memories for yourself so that you can have a great day w/ or w/o your W.

[SM34]

I'm not an expert but 20 sepaations seems a little much. I think I would take my time and try to make sure this is the last, and that my spouse has taken the time to figure out why they keep running.

Good for you for getting back to work. It will help keeping your mind off of things.

[SM34]

Oh and one thing to perhaps consider. Him moving out and then back in is happening repeatedly because you allow it.

The vets here always caution not to allow a WAS back into the home without first making it known that you won't allow this to happen again.

In your situation it might be tough because you may not have aby credibility now that you allowed it so many times. But think about this.

[slow_it_down]

Yeah my credibility is 0 with saying "this is your last chance." All 20 times were the last chance.

I'm typically all for things going slow but we are also heading into some life decisions that can only be put off for so long. One or both of us is likely to move this January/ February for work. I'm not moving away with him if he can't be bothered to live here before he takes an out of state job. I also need to figure out what to do about my job because my current commute doesn't work with my child care.

I feel like a hostage to the unknown and hate watching opportunities pass me by in the name of keeping reconciliation on the table.

[NeedingMore]

Hi slow...

I am still on moderation so this might not come up for a bit, but I want to say I have been following your thread for months. I have been unsure about posting because I am "boyfriend busting", and am not married so I didn't know if my stuff applies. I do know that aside from the married and baby part, our sitch's are very similar. I have two kids from a previous marriage, and it was my idea for splitting up with my BF. And I regret it and have been DBing ever since. I also saw similarities in them constantly working and being neglectful to family stuff/support.

I just wanted to stop by and say that you have been an inspiration to me. You are so smart and strong. Much stronger than I...because I can't even handle my time of the month during this difficult time, and you have had a baby! Unbelievable. and from your position here, I truly feel that your H has to know how lucky he is to have you and that is what keeps him around.

I hope for you that you things work out...and that you will know it is all because of YOU! You are awesome! Don't give up. And thank you for sharing your story here. It's helping more people than you may know.

[Confluences]

Slow~

You called me out by name ...that made me feel good, so thanks! I am hanging in there, Thanksgiving was not miserable but definitely a burden. My Thursday night poker game got pushed back to Wednesday and it was only 8 players (normally 15 to 18) and the game went until 2am...which was not normal.

I drove to my brother's in-laws for Thanksgiving Day and basically was running every excuse possible in my brain that would be a valid reason for not going during the 40 mile drive there but once I was there it was fine. My Mom mixed me a concoction of Egg Nog, Wild Turkey 101, 2% Milk, and Nutmeg and I was pretty good to go after that drink. Wine got me thru the rest of the day.

So here is where it gets juicy:

My WAW and I got in a pretty nasty argument about 2 weeks prior to Thanksgiving and I was just so bent out of shape that I posted a profile of myself on match.com (we met on that website 10 years ago) and just found out tonight that my Wife has one on there too as she was viewing my profile! As much as I hate to admit it...she was the prettiest girl I have seen to date on there and there are a lot of pretty girls on there. I don't know what to think about her checking out my profile and the only reason I did it was out of spite after our argument and "to act as if" but also to accept reality that if we don't work, I got to get on with it. I have not been out with anyone and don't have a desire to do so right now. It's just weird seeing the person that you love and they're on the same portal that you are on but maybe it will be a reality check for both of us.

Hoping to get some serious debts paid between now and Christmas ($100K+) and that will put a lot of problems in the past, so who knows.

You are in a better spot then I am right now but I still think that there is hope for us. I go to Church on Sundays and I sit by an older Lady who used to work with my Wife and knows her quite well. Anyway, I was running late 2 Sundays ago and forgot to put on my wedding ring (it's the only time I wear during the week.....is to Church Service)....anyway, she grabbed my hand during Church and asked me where it was and why I took it off. I said I forgot it as I was running out the door but it was comforting that she made a big deal out of it.

Christmas is going to be tough but maybe just maybe there is a Christmas miracle somewhere. Not counting on it but that is my final thought for now. Thanks again for asking about me.

[slow_it_down]

NeedingMore, thank you for your kind words. It's been a stressful week and your nice comments really cheered me up.

Confluences, thanks for checking in, I was wondering how u were holding up. I'm glad u went ahead with your Thanksgiving plans. I will also be interested to hear what comes of the profile viewing. On the positive at least you know she's not seriously seeing anyone else right now if she's got a profile up. Are you in a position where you could goof around with her a bit on the site? Maybe send a funny message through match, something like "awe shucks, you didn't have to go through all the hassle of signing up for match just to view shirtless pictures of me. I would have sent them over if you had just asked.. Just kidding ". Maybe tease her a bit in a light hearted manner.

[slow_it_down]

In terms of how things are going here, I am really feeling the full effects of being a mom of 3 kids. Everyone is fighting for my time and energy (kids, my H, the baby and my job) and I feel like I'm just falling behind in life.

I go back and forth between loathing my H for being able to just come and go with no defined responsibility and loving him like I've never loved before for some of the unexpected positive changes I'm seeing in him - like spending time w/ my S when I'm feeding the baby or putting a smile on his face and being upbeat around the kids and baby even if he's in a terrible mood.

As far as Christmas I'm keeping my expectations at 0. My H always lets work get in the way and even bailed on our big family trip at the last minute last year. It left me eating Christmas breakfast alone 600 miles from family. When I told him I was disappointed he didn't even try to get someone to cover for him he just moved out of the house. I returned from my trip to find him and all his stuff gone. I found out I was pregnant literally days later!

This year I'm ready for anything and am not putting any of my happiness directly in his control. I'm making sure to have plans lined up that will result in a good holiday regardless of what he's up to. However, I'm still hopeful that one of these years we can have one of those normal gather-round-the-tree holidays like you see on greeting cards and sappy movies.

[Confluences]

I really don't want to talk to her right now but I will say that it was kind of reassuring that she went on there too. She's not the easiest person to be around but we adapted. It's the most interaction with me that she has had in months and a lot of the photos of me are ones that she took while we were in San Francisco and Europe.....so she knows the story behind each picture and she knows those were good times and another girl will gladly get on board once I get this financial crap in the rear view mirror.

I think one of her friends saw my profile and alerted her to it and she did it just out of spite but I can't say anything as I was on there first. Still not interacting with anyone on there beyond profile trolling. It's better then going to a bar.

It sounds like work is a good thing for you right now and forcing you to manage your time with little time to over-think things with you and H. I think he's realizing the grass is not greener on the other side, which may be the case for my W too. They both have the same mindset of walking away and eventually that freedom does not always live up to it's billing. We just got to keep doing what we are doing right now.

[NeedingMore]

Slow,

I feel ya on the loathing thing. I am experiencing that too, and it is because they show signs of being "in" and then digress. It is SO confusing and I wonder, "is he really happy like this?" Sometimes I feel like saying, $#!@ or get off the pot already!! But patience is our test here. Positive things are still happening and that is so good! I can relate to the holiday stuff. Expectations zero...the right thing to do but so hard!

Breathe!

I just started a new job...and I feel the same way about being tugged in different directions. I am trying to remember that all of this is just life and that if I try too hard to just get BY...I am not fully experiencing what I am going THROUGH...good or bad...and that is a setback in and of itself.
I will be thinking of you through the holidays as well as the others that are on these boards. Sometimes I feel so alone in my R struggles, but these boards are proof that we are never REALLY alone.
Have Faith and know someone is praying for your strength...because it is so inspiring!

Confluences,
I have been following a bit of your sitch through Slow...and I am also wishing you well.