Thanks F you are so right in all those comments. I won't be telling the boys, I don't think at this stage it is my job to tell them. I won't be telling anyone actually. I will still continue on the same track I was on.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
While I am still trying to continue on my journey, I am also still struggling with the news that it ia a PA.
How do I accept my W of 23 years, who has shown no sign of even being interested in women, now being a lesbian? On top of having an affair, an affair with another woman is just too much too handle sometimes. I am not thinking anything about my masculinity or lack of performance issues, but simply such a big change in my W. How do I deal with the W being in this relationship for over a year now. Based on the history even before BD, if she wasn't in a PA back then, it would have been quite a serious EA. How do I even deal with other people telling me way back then their view she was in a PA? Even though I haven't spoken to anyone about the new knowledge. Even my flatmate told me way back in December when he moved in "get over your W, she in in a relationship with the other woman". Should I have taken a better stand? Should I have done something differently? This is where it is like the BD all over again. All those question we ask as a newbie to the forum, are now being repeated again, because I didn't have the guarantee she was in a PA. My head is simply spinning with all these questions. I know I cannot answer them. I know to think about other things. I know so much more, but it doesn't help. I cannot stop thinking about all those lies to everyone. I can't stop thinking about what her and the other woman act like in their own house.
I haven't had a good cry for ages, and here I am breaking down at work again.
All my old worries are coming back to haunt me again.
I am doing the fake it till I make it. It just is so much harder now.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
On top of all this, it is my 24th wedding anniversary next week on the 25th November. And no I won't be doing anything: text, email or card.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
sorry to hear you're having a bad time lately HWA Even though we prepare ourselves, we try to talk ourselves out of it and say to ourselves this is not really happening. When the time comes when it does come out, it is still devastating. It's like my MIL at the mo is preparing for the worse as her H is 97. She's not expecting him to live much longer, but she'll still be grieving when he's gone. I have a feeling that my H is in an affair, but I've yet to have this confirmed. I know if H ever tells me that then I know I'll be just as devastated. Especially if he tells me it's been going on for longer than the BD, which is what I'm thinking at the mo. Although I don't know how you must be feeling, I can only guess I can understand that it's a setback and it's no wonder that you're feeling like this. You will get through this, it will just take time! Stay strong and take care Look forwards not backwards
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
While I am still trying to continue on my journey, I am also still struggling with the news that it ia a PA.
Hang in there brother! I know it's tough (been through that phase myself), but you've been working on YOU, and you've made a lot of progress there, and this news doesn't change anything about that.
Quote:
Should I have taken a better stand? Should I have done something differently?
No and no. You did what you needed to do to save yourself. Sometimes that in turn saves the M and sometimes it doesn't, but either way you win. You'll see that with time. You're just struggling TEMPORARILY with the emotions over this new news. Once the dust settles you'll be in a better place.
I agree with AS You've done everything that you've needed to do and couldn't have done anything differently
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Thanks AS and TTD180. I do really know I have done all I could. I do know I couldn't have done anything different. It just doesn't make it any easier at the moment. As you said AS, the emotions are temporary at this stage. You are right, just a very big rollercoaster downhill this time.
As an added update: still haven't received my binding financial agreement that the solicitor advised would arrive two weeks ago. Therefore I and the wife cannot change any car titles over, nor can I take over the home loans or pay her out. Again, I have decided to continue with my values (whether right or wrong in my sitch) and that is I will not initiate anything to do with the splitting of assets or the ending of our marriage. That will be on the W's plate to do.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
I thought I would do a little temparture check with my ex best friend today. He helped my youngest son in buying an old van and carpet cleaning pump yesterday. The son wants to do carpet cleaning as a job. So I texted him this morning, thanking him for his help and letting him know I appreciate it. A bit like the wife, I don't have any expectations, but felt good doing it. As I think it was the right thing to do.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
I hope you get an answer I've experienced this with an ex friend of mine who decided to dump me as a friend when my H left me. I still don't know what I've done. It's horrible and it hurts.
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Just updating: * No answer from the friend, not even a thanks. At least I had no expectations, so no loss. * Still no paperwork from the solicitor, now overdue by about 3 weeks. * No one in the family (including sons) has called/texted and let me know about the W's affair. Doesn't mean they don't want to or don't care, they may not know themselves yet. * Reading the book "not just friends" all about infidelity. A very good read. * Three weeks today before I head back "home". * Party tomorrow night with another 7 workers who are getting out of this place. It's called a "finally getting out of here" fancy dress party. * Feeling a lot easier talking to my sons and people in general without some form of subject about the W or separation coming up. Not that I have talked to the sons about these subjects for a long time. Just the thought in my my head isn't there as much.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Even though we prepare ourselves, we try to talk ourselves out of it and say to ourselves this is not really happening. When the time comes when it does come out, it is still devastating. It's like my MIL at the mo is preparing for the worse as her H is 97. She's not expecting him to live much longer, but she'll still be grieving when he's gone.
I can understand that it's a setback and it's no wonder that you're feeling like this.