Holy cow Mach. All the poking and guiding you've done to me on my threads has been well worth it. To hear you lay it all out on the line like you've done here is eye opening. Thank you.
I know that I have a long way to go. I have so many doors if my own to close begore I can ever think about moving in with W or anyone else.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
My brain hurts... Thanks Mach, that is a lot to take in.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Thats some really good stuff Mach. I think a lot of us will get something out of that if we really ruminate on it.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
My brain hurts more than normal after reading Mach's indepth post
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
After re-reading job's post on reconnecting, it would appear that W is indeed doing that. The markers and behaviors are there. That said, and after several false starts/stops along the way the past 6 months since BD#3, I am hopeful. It's been months since her declared deadline for herself went past. Yet I know that until I hear differently, her decision is still "I don't know" or "done". Some friends keep me in check on that bit.
I find it is imperative to re-read, review the archives, Cadet's homework, etc. Because in job's reconnection post, there was LBS me...getting antsy, wanting to push/pull, tow, whatever. Job's description and warning were very much needed as a self-administered 2x4...study this stuff folks!!
She has started initiating conversations with me about her work, even bouncing ideas off me. New T2 does absolutely awesome in listening, asking open questions, validating and letting her find her own solutions. It's in her eyes.
She has taken her high usage clothes out of the boxes and piles in the LR, and organized them and put away in the LR closet...guess that means she's not ready to return to the MBR, lol! There is some purging going on, again. And in her convos with me, there is some "telling", some hints or touching on things I might have noticed and wondered about, but luckily I have learned to STFU and wait and see.
I have been thinking a lot on the forgiveness and trust question, tossing out ideas here to see what comes back, to give me several perspectives, help me get to my own ideas of what exactly that looks like. And there is a reason...I think I am being tested on those things. An example, W went into work very, very early, without saying anything or leaving a note. I called her, she sounded RATHER disappointed when she answered...until...I said why I called, that I had planned on using her vehicle to get parts for my truck before she went to work, and I wanted to know if she was just running to the store, or ?, if she'd be back so I could use her vehicle. Total and complete tone and demeanor change. My speculation is she was thinking I called because I thought something else....and didn't trust. Mindreading? Yes, but taken only as speculation, not fact...
There have been some other things along those lines...
So I need to have my head very clear on what trust and forgiveness means to me, because I have a feeling my feet are going to be held to the fire, because no one would want to return to a R and have the spouse hold things over their heads forevermore. I will be tested on if I mean what I say, that integrity of mine that I value. If I truly DO forgive and can leave the past in the past... I never aim to fail. Johnny Cash's "Walk the Line" has a newer/different meaning to me these days.
So that's the sitch update...
Me...busy as heck with work, the house stuff, cooking up storms of food, supporting teen angst in our middle child, Homework Cat Herder with those two...just everyday life.
And everyday life is good.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T2, You are doing great. Just keep the faith and continue digging for more patience. I truly believe your w is cooking up very nicely. The reconnection process takes a lot of time for them. You can't rush the process or you will definitely screw it up and up the tunnel she will go again.
I do think that she's feeling more and more comfortable in her own skin and environment, thus the unpacking of boxes and piles. I wouldn't try to do any mind reading on why she's putting then in the LR...it could be where there is plenty of space and she feels safe and comfortable in knowing they are there if she feels the need to "run" back to that place in time.
T2, it's going to be okay. You and your family are going to be okay. Please, please continue to give her plenty of space so that she can breathe and continue to feel comfortable in her own/new skin.
I do hope that you and your family have a "Happy Thanksgiving".
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh, forgot to mention that I did let my mindfulness slip and the antsy out a bit, dropped a couple/three truth darts since last post. Her response was basically that she hadn't been thinking about the sitch, etc...no bad reactions, no spinning, no anger, just some sadness I guess, not sure. So no damage done apparently as the continuing, though slow, progress keeps going. But who knows. A friend said that when the decision changes, I'll be the first to know.
It's true then that they can get comfy with the status-quo and are off on their own thoughts, not thinking about the sitch, unlike this LBS'er...lol.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Some more thoughts on the trust and forgiveness thing.
For a long time I wanted her to re-commit before I trusted. I forgive before getting a re-commit because I do it for myself, initially at least. Now it's for her as well.
Thinking through this, a lot, and looking at it from HER perspective....if I were her, wouldn't I want to have some indication that T2 was really, truly able to trust me, truly able to forgive, and not keep bringing my "time away in Las Vegas" up? That every time there was a disagreement, that T2 wouldn't say "Yeah, but I didn't cheat"or "I didn't say awful things", etc? Wouldn't I want to be pretty sure? Wouldn't I want to see T2 actions? Before committing and going through the pain and discomfort of working through all this?
Wouldn't I?
Yup.
I'm thinking I had it a$$wardsback.
I need to show. I need to be the first to give benefit of the doubt.
I trust myself now, surely I can risk giving the benefit of the doubt, right? I'm strong enough if she fails, right?
I think I am.
I know what I need to do, the path is rather clear.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
