Confusion Reigns Part 4

[uRworthy]

Oh my, I am sorry I made you cry, Ang. Never my intent.

Yes, it is all still so new to you. You are getting to where you need to be, sweetie.

Listen, all the bad things that happened broke my heart and caused me anger. They did. But I made a conscious effort to remember what was real, to remember my love story. I remembered the man I married, the man I loved. I knew he was gone, lost in a crisis. So, I put my memories safely in a box and stored them safely away. All the bad stuff didnt take away from all the good stuff. All of that was real.

The things you are feeling - the anger, the sadness, the bitternes, are all part of the process. You need to feel them to move forward. But you dont want to hold onto them. That doesnt serve you well. It just weighs you down.

And yes, you have power in all this. You get to decide how you will act, what you want. If today you dont want to decide, then dont.

This is all a process. And you dont want to rush it. You want to go through each step. It is the way to come out of it whole.

You are doing wonderfully.

This is hard, hard stuff/

[uRworthy]

edit....the last line.

[Feenix]

Oh, uR.....it was good tears! Healing tears.

Sometimes, it is just good to know that others have been where we are, and they understand this pain and uncertainty that we are going through.

Your insights are extremely helpful to me!

[tigerlily78]

Just caught up on your thread. Sending a hug your way.

I know right now the memories seem really bittersweet, but I think in time those memories will come back around to be a source of strength... those memories are a big reminder/reinforcement of what we are standing/fighting for.

Sending positive thoughts your way Angela.

[Feenix]

Do you ever really learn to trust again???

I was reading over on Heather's (LoisB) thread....and there is quite a bit of talk over there about forgiveness and trust. Pretty good discussion going on.

I have been really struggling with the whole "trust" thing the past couple of days.

I'm in a weird mood anyway...just tired of all this crap with my H...and just weary. I've had a whole lot of "just don't give a F anymore's" this week. And, it's not a nice attitude to have...but that's where I'm at.

It sure feels better than crying all the time.

On the way to/from work, I have lots of time to think...and I've been thinking a lot about trust.

For some reason, the "forgiveness" thing is coming easy to me. I keep thinking that it shouldn't be easy to forgive H. He has destroyed my heart. But, I think because I can take ownership of the things that I did wrong in our M, I can forgive H.

I know he is confused and hurting and messed up. cat04 mentioned this on Heather's thread, and it's already something I've been doing, but I try to see H through God's eyes...not mine. That helps me to be more forgiving, too.

I know that I have to forgive H for my own well-being and because God says we must forgive. So, I really am not struggling with that as much as I thought I would.

The thing I am STRUGGLING with is TRUST. How will I ever, ever trust H again? EVER? He has lied and lied and lied some more.

I can't believe anything he says or does. I look back now, over the past year (and even further back), and recall times that he looked me right in the eyes and LIED so convincingly. I totally believed him...and he was lying about so much.


Maybe I'm not supposed to be worrying about the "trust" thing right now??? Maybe this comes later????

Because honestly, right now, I can't believe anything he says about other women, about his job, about money, about his whereabouts (I don't even ask anymore...but when he tells me, I immediately think, "Yeah, right...LIAR.")

I have no trust and no respect for him. Period.

What if I can't ever get that trust back? How can we have a healthy marriage if I can't, or don't, trust him? If I always question everything he says/does?

Thoughts, anyone?

[tigerlily78]

I think trust is a two way thing. Right now he isn't really making an effort to build trust, so it seems premature to try and give him any trust.

I think it all goes back to the bit about "having no expectations." If we have expectations they ARE just going to keep letting us down for now, that's just the reality. And how can you trust someone who keeps letting you down?

In my mind I imagine that it won't be time for me to really think about rebuilding trust with my H until he is a willing and active participant in the process. Right now I do feel like I can trust him in smaller ways (to make sure the bills are paid and we have groceries in the fridge)... his sense of his commitment to provide for me and my son is still fairly strong.

But obviously that is one small area of trust, if he came home tomorrow and said "I am ready to be back home, let's have sex" that I would not trust. :P

[Pudmuddle]

El tigre! I so needed to read that right now as I posted almost the exact same thing as Ang just did!!!

'be a willing and active participant'<---yes.

[Feenix]

Tiger:

Yeah, I wondered if the "trust" thing is just something I need to let go of thinking about for now.

If we don't reconcile, it won't matter anyway. And, if we do reconcile, I guess that's something we deal with then.

I just keep thinking about how much I don't trust or respect him...and just wonder if I ever will be able to....but I think you're right. This is something that has to come from both sides working on it. My H is definitely nowhere near that.

And, my H is mostly trustworthy when it comes to paying bills...and he's good about making sure our kids have what they need (groceries, school lunches, etc.).

So, I'll try to think of this trust thing as a "no expectations" issue...good way to look at it.

[Pudmuddle]

Hey Ang, I had a thought while rereading your and my thread again.

I am in the same boat as you in that I forgive my H but I don't trust and respect him a lot yet. Since the trust is way harder, for me anyway, to regain I thought I would try rebuilding the respect with my H. I can show him that he can trust ME by rebuilding my sense of respect for HIM and showing him bits of respect.

For example, I have started showing more respect for him in areas of talking to and disciplining our S when we have issues or discussions with S. I no longer but in to their heated discussions, I just let them go until they solve it in their own way. I don't always agree with H and the way he communicates things but this is his issue to solve.

When H and I have a discussion before talking to our S, and come to an agreement on what to say and do when we talk with him, I tell H that 'I trust him to relay the information to S'. And then I sit back and let him relay the information, and I do not butt in or interfere, unless I have something to add from my own angle. I try not to side with S as I did in the past. I felt like I was protecting him before, but I was also disrespecting H by not working with him to come to agreements.
Doing this has shown my H that I trust him to communicate, solve his own issues and show respect by being 'one' parent when talking with S. It means we are working together. Also if H comes to me with an issue about S, I say 'Well what do you think we should do?' Showing him that I respect his opinion.

This approach has resulted in my H talking to me much more openly about S and his issues. For me this looks like a start to us working on our issues when H feels more comfortable and feels like I respect him more than I did in the past. To me him feeling like I respect him can lead to him trusting me again, and hence me trusting him,...someday.

I hope this helps you to see what I am getting at. Lots of runon sentences, lol, but I am speaking from the heart and not the brain.

And I think I just answered my own questions I had on my thread. LOL!!!!

Happy Days Ang! You really are starting to heal and process.

[tigerlily78]

That's a good point about respect Pud. I think that is kind of what I have been working at too, although I didn't think of that way until you said it.

I am trying to be a better listener too and more supportive/validating and appreciative. I think for a long time my H has felt like he was an accessory to my life, not a core element. A lot of that had to do with his own behavior/decisions/hang ups, but clearly I never wanted or meant for him to feel that way. I am sure he felt disrespected because of it, and because I was not often the sort of wife who would simply defer to his decision on anything... I at least wanted to know his thought process. He took this to be "me not trusting his judgment" while I feel like I mostly asked because I like to understand things not because I necessarily doubted or would disagree. So now I am also trying to do less of that questioning, especially around issues/decisions that are relatively unimportant. I can accept I don't have to know it all. :P