"W, I respect that you feel done, and that you are unhappy. I am focused on working on things I want to improve in my life, and on giving you time and space to live your life right now without pressure. One of the things you have shared with me is the emotional disconnect and that we didn't do a good job of truly connecting. I understand how you feel that way, and have been reflecting on it myself. Because I don't want you to feel controlled or pressured or manipulated, I feel that giving you space is important. But I want you to know that if and when you are willing, I am willing to spend time with you - having fun, talking about life, getting to know each other again."
The very act of saying this is applying pressure. Plus, the reason we constantly preach actions and not words around here is the WAS will ALWAYS interpret your words in the worst possible way. Let's break it down:
W, I respect that you feel done, and that you are unhappy.
One, you respect her by keeping your mouth shut. Two, don't pretend to know how she feels (unhappy), it's disrespectful to her REAL feelings, whatever they may be (and you don't know unless she tells you). She may be angry with you that day, and if you call her "unhappy" she'll think "he doesn't get it, as usual."
I am focused on working on things I want to improve in my life, and on giving you time and space to live your life right now without pressure.
She'll hear "hurry up W!!! I can't keep this charade up forever!!!"
Because I don't want you to feel controlled or pressured or manipulated, I feel that giving you space is important.
She DOESN'T CARE what you feel. YOU need to care about what your WIFE feels! Ironically you make giving space sound like control and manipulation. IE, "I don't want you to feel manipulated, so I'm doing X to manipulate you into not feeling manipulated. And now I'm telling you because I'm not sure you noticed."
But I want you to know that if and when you are willing, I am willing to spend time with you - having fun, talking about life, getting to know each other again."
Captain Obvious is obvious. She knows this, you don't need to tell her. That's pressure.
Quote:
And then I thought to suggest to her that whenever she feels willing to engage, she could message me a :P emoticon or some code word or something.
I wish there was a facepalm smiley, this would be a good time to use it, LOL!
Seriously though, when you see positive signs like you've seen, what does that tell you? That what you've been doing is WORKING. So keep doing it! You're falling into the typical LBS trap- you see baby steps so think it's time for a bold move. But your wife is thinking "he is FINALLY giving me time and space, maybe he's not so bad after all." Then you get into an R talk and she thinks "aha, yeah, I knew it, same old controlling manipulator trying to get what HE wants."
