Mine to Hers MLC

[Underdog]

GMN,

I think it's good that you've come here to gain insight and information and try to answer questions and heal. Good for you!

However, I read your story and I have to ask/point out a few things. Your XW is my age, so it's easy for me to put myself into your timelines, especially since I went to Catholic school and know the deal there.

That being said, you both met and married very young, even by yesterday's standards. You had children very young, even by today's standards. You both grew up with each other, made some significant mistakes and grew apart from each other.

As I tell my D19, some mistakes are actually errors in judgment. Some of those errors are non-negotiable deal breakers and bear lifetime consequences.

Personally, what you think is MLC in your XW may have started out like one, but I don't think she's in one. I think your 6 year slip into bar oblivion, pool, hanging out with lowlifes and drinking killed whatever feelings your XW had for you. I'm not saying this to hurt you. Sometimes truth hurts. You behaved in a manner that was not loving or conducive to an intimate relationship, and at some point, she decided she wanted out. And she did it with gusto.

From where I sit, I don't even know if I think she was in MLC at all. By 2010, you were firmly entrenched into your lifestyle, and she might have figured you didn't care or didn't notice her. After all, you said below that you truly felt you were owed those behaviors (from whom?) and truly didn't care.

So...

Does she hate me?
Is she really in MLC?
Will she ever show her sons remorse?
Will we ever speak again?
Should I even ever try to contact her?

IMHO, three of these questions are no longer your concern. As far as contacting her, what is the point? If YOU need closure, you can do that with the help of a good therapist. I'd do that anyway. Her R with her sons are her business, especially since they are grown. Personally, I don't understand why she distanced herself from them, but then again, none of us knows what might have happened. No matter what that might be, if she feels any remorse toward them, that's THEIR business.

Going to backtrack here.

If there is anything I can say is I wish we would have gone to counseling when I had my affair and then found out about her affair. We just didn’t think about it or didn’t know how I guess. I also wish I had gotten help with my depression when the boys left the house, medication or something. I also really regret letting my morals go to the gutter. Why oh why did I do that?

GMN, you are holding on to a few trunks of remorse, regret and guilt. I understand that. But in order for you to live out the rest of your life happily and with purpose, you are going to have to move through this. It's not going to be easy. Counseling may sound daunting to you now, but I'd be willing to bet a mortgage payment that your answers lie here and that you probably both had some growing up to do on top of it. Sounds like your XW's family of origin had some major dysfunctions, and since you guys were encumbered with adult responsibility before she grew up and had the chance to see this stuff, she didn't see this stuff.

But what I think doesn't matter.

What do you think? What do you want? Please don't say you want things to go back to the way they were so you could fix it. There's no magic fairy dust here and in real life, this isn't a Disney movie with a magical ending. I'm not discounting miracles, GMN. But your XW has clearly moved on.

How do you want to live out the next 40 years? What are YOUR goals and dreams? How can you strengthen the relationships you have that are supportive and affirming?

One final note:

I wanted to be a stander, but I started dating about a year ago, but I have told this woman that I will never remarry.

I think it's grossly unfair that you are seriously dating with all this baggage you're currently carrying. I know at my age (51), I don't want to be with someone who hasn't got it all figured out. I just don't have enough time to jack around. Personally, I think you should do yourself and this woman the favor of making a break and getting some solid answers for yourself and learn how you found yourself in depression. It's serious stuff. Because it's not fair to her that you are guilt ridden enough to avoid marrying again down the road. You just don't seem emotionally ready from this vantage point.

Sounds like you are a man with faith. Put that to work GMN. Have faith that you can overcome these obstacles and learn how to forgive yourself. Because that, my friend, is a very, VERY tough thing to do. Those of us down in Surviving can attest to this one. We're all human and make mistakes. To forgive is divine.

Best wishes on this journey,

Betsey