Hanging on to the roller coaster

[CallaghanClown]

Well another brick gets thrown. The pregnant OW is the sister of the lovely lady that had an affair and got pregnant by my ex. Wow I didn't see that brick coming.

Feel sick. Time to hibernate. Now how do you do that with two small kids???

[LoisB]

Can someone watch them for a few hours?

[kml]

The pregnant OW is the sister of the lovely lady that had an affair and got pregnant by my ex.

Wow. It is really time to move out of whatever small town backwater you're living in. Move to a nice big city somewhere.

[CallaghanClown]

I have moved to a nice big city. Away from where these people live......but misery follows you!

[TSquared2]

Having worked in social services in a biggish city, f'd up is f'd up, it's everywhere. Big city, or backwater. Maybe it's just more in your face in a backwater due to smaller population sample size. But its there in the biggish cities as well.

[CallaghanClown]

Tomorrow I plan to meet H for a 'proper' chat. This will be our first since he left. I've held strong since the day he left and been nothing but friendly and helpful.

I'm considering writing him a letter. No ILY no IMY but more I care about you and hope you get well. I will mention that I will stand by him and my kids to aid their relationship throughout his recovery. Acknowledge that I understand what a hard time he is going through and that I won't walk away during this time. Is this a good idea???

During our chat I need to cover finances, access and the paternity of this child. Would it be too much pressure to talk about his increasingly erratic and irresponsible behaviour or should I just leave him to it?

[tigerlily78]

During our chat I need to cover finances, access and the paternity of this child. Would it be too much pressure to talk about his increasingly erratic and irresponsible behaviour or should I just leave him to it?

I think you will have to be really in control of your tone if you are going to bring this into the conversation. I know from my own experience that my H perceives almost anything "critical" or even a neutral observation that makes HIM think of things he is doing wrong as an "attack." You will have to be really careful to frame it. Maybe put the emphasis on, "I feel like we need to figure out our financial situation and put it in writing. Your unpredictable behavior lately has me a little worried about whether I can rely on you in the future to meet these commitments. I am still in a place right now where I am trying to be patient and let you do what you need to do, but in the meantime I need to do what I have to protect our children/house/assets/ life we built together.

[labug]

Why would you talk about any of that? What response are you hoping to get?

I'm not saying don't do it but really be clear on your motive.

Best.

[LoisB]

I agree LA. I was thinking the same thing.

CC, you HAVE to feel like a whirligig right now. This is not the time to have this conversation with him.

Unless there is some pressing financial issue, I would hold off having any talk with your H or seeing your H for at least a week. Give yourself a chance to digest this information and gain some perspective.

If you bring this stuff up with him, in all likelihood--like 99.9%--you WON'T get the truth from him. Especially now.

I hear you spinning out and you have to be the one to pull it back together. Your H won't be able to provide any comfort right now--even if he does give you support via talk, it's only going to go so deep. Then, when you realize you have been lied to again--you will feel even worse than you do right now.

Protect your heart. Your H isn't a safe person right now.

I'm sorry.

That's my opinion, take it for what it's worth. .02

Heather

[CallaghanClown]

Thanks everyone. I went with your advice but met him anyway. I didn't ask him anything. Didn't talk divorce, finances, access or anything. I just let him talk. He's adamant that the baby isn't his and I've had it confirmed by her that she didn't sleep with him.

I still think he's involved in multiple EA's via text and possible PA's (who knows).

We had a few baby steps. He commented on how nice I looked (I did!). He said that he'd been crying on Sunday questioning if he was making a big mistake, I said I'm sorry you felt like that. He apologised for bringing me down during our marriage, I told him I made my own decisions but I appreciate his apology and he said he can see how happy and calm I am now. I said I've been working really hard on it and I'm liking the improvements I can see. He came back to our house and asked if we could collect the girls from school together, it's been 3 weeks he's asked me to come along. He came back and cooked the kids some dinner and did the dishes and said that this is what he's missed so much. I asked what? And he said real life, and that he wished he'd done more of it when he lived with us.

I'm still concerned about his mental state. He's back on his meds but only 3 days in and was paranoid quite a bit. He was very open about how ill he was but said that he'd been getting better fast. I said I don't want to get better fast because I don't ever want to be back to where I was before. I want to take it slow and make changes for life. He agreed but I don't think he believes it. I think he's searching for a quick fix.

Talking of fixing he's got a text friend that he says he's helping to get through her depression. Says he texts her every day to make sure she's ok.......I can see where this will go......oh well. No expectations!!!

Overall I'm doing well. There were some really hard moments when I had to bite my lip but I got through it relatively unharmed.

I took the opportunity to apologise to him for not realising just how ill he was. I acknowledged that I'm not a doctor nor can I mind read but that I do have guilt that I didn't realise how bad it was for him, and for that I'm sorry.