Hey folks - been awhile. I still drop in and browse from time to time but don't post a lot at the moment. Truthfully, I don't know if many people that were familiar with my ordeal are still around and/or post much.
Things have remained basically the same, all things considered we get along fairly well. In my random dating here and there (and conversations with friends) I am beginning to learn that a lot of divorced people literally despise one another...a lot. Sure, we have our dust-ups, but there has been little animosity.
We have been butting heads about time during the holidays - it's a sensitive topic. The last two holiday seasons I have given up a big chunk of my time so she can go to IA with our little guy. This year I think she approached it as an expectation or entitlement - and when I declined, she was angry. We are working it out, but I have no grand plans of giving up my time.
As far as dating goes, I have concluded that I need to stop. I am not ready at all yet. I have been out with a pretty decent number of people and whenever something doesn't work out I don't have feelings of sadness....rather, I have a feeling of relief because in the back of my head I knew I was not able to commit to the extent that someone would want. Perhaps in time I will get there - and I hate being lonely, but I think I am still healing. For now, I am content focusing as much as my love as I can on my son. I get back 3x what I give there. For now, I know I am just not in a place to love someone else or to let them love me....not yet anyway. I hope to get there.
I have made some pretty decent progress with my new counselor. She is honestly the best I have had in this process and is helping me identify a lot of things that I have not seen. Moreover, she is helping me learning the difference between "moving on" and "moving forward" (discussed here a lot) - it's been good. She has also started me on EMDR (Google it) - it's a little different for me, but I am open to new things in the name of getting better.
More than anything in this process, my heart is still shattered about all the time I miss with my son. I know I have said this a lot already, but we have bonded so much and gotten so close. He hates leaving my house and wants to stay and not go to her place (not bragging - just saying). I hate being away from him, and it hasn't gotten any easier. I dropped him off today at pre-school and he couldn't stop hugging me...I had to peel him off and hand him to his teacher while he was still reaching out to me. I burst into tears the moment I got to the car. Because of work travel I won't see him again until Thanksgiving at the earliest. My heart is sunk.
Today I found myself asking God what the point of this is now. I get that to this point there was a LOT that I had to learn about myself, who I was, what I was doing, love, communication, and being a father. I have come so far up that mountain and have made so many changes. Yet, I am still in pain and still without my son. I am sure there is a point, a reason to it - but at times I wish it was clear so I knew I wasn't suffering without my son, my family, for nothing. I'm not cursing God at all....just confused and well, in pain a lot.
All in all I am good, just trying to find a rhythm to life. I would LOVE to tell everyone here that I don't STILL miss my ex - I do. I would love to say that I didn't often think of missing my family...I do. But I am coping. At least I know that I have grown in this process. And as a song once said, "we grow in dirt".
