This alludes to my post on Newcomers (of which I am really not anymore) where I have downgraded H from a luxurious space in my head to a small cramped, stand up shower and potable burner kind of room...
Of course I find him in different spaces all the time, lounging around. Sometimes I let him stay so I can figure out why the he!! he is there, and sometimes I boot him right back.
My background for those of you who do not want to scroll through a million angst ridden posts
- end of September '12: I come across a note in H's phone (yes I was snooping). Of all the things he wanted to quit, I was #3 after smoking and drinking. Of course, if I had kept my mouth shut, he would still be here (since he hasn't quit smoking or drinking)
- He says he doesn't love me, hasn't in a long time (5, 10, 15 years, maybe even since dinosaurs roamed the earth). I say he has to leave. Of course, we have been living apart M-F for the past four years, due to commute for H's job. So, leaving entails no weekends and emotionally leaving.
- October '12: Find out he is sleeping with someone else. Had been running with this woman (known as massage girl) since July. Says he was not physically unfaithful, I believe him, still do. (although he lied and lied about seeing someone for a month)
- December '12: start emailing a little more personally after two and a half months LC/NC. Agree to meet for drinks.
- January "13: Drinks are a fourteen hour conversation that culminates in a make out session. Texts turn flirty for next few months, we make out a few times when we see each other. Emotionally he turns to me, still with MG. H comments I got happy when he left and he didn't, which leads him to think that perhaps it wasn't all me.
- April '13: MG is away for a month, H and I hang. He admits that maybe it was only the last few years that he was unhappy, but there were also good times. That I am one of his best friends. Pushes me constantly to date (insert eye roll). MG breaks up with H, end of April (she does not like his relationship with me and H refuses not to support me fully financially and refuses to cut me out of his life)
-May '13: H still sleeping with MG, not in relationship, though. He misses my first 1/2 marathon which he said he would go to because, I am 99% sure he partied then slept with MG the night before. This is where I realize I was falling for the "believe what he says" thing again...lol
- June '13: MG away again, I sleep with H on a few occasions. End of June, I ask why he seems so strange after. He says he wants to make a go of relationship with MG and I can't be in his life. I say okay, that my love is unconditional, I believe we are not done yet, but if it is what he wants then I will let him go.
- MG sends H Dear John letter. Actually found new BF while she was away and brought him back to this country....
- July '13: Rebound rebound GF for H. This is where I detached, when H said "You have to be out of my life, I left." Push/pull dynamic and was sucked back in, but further detached than ever on my part.
- Aug '13: Second GF breaks it off after citing me as reason (again)
- up until now: H and I "dating". Maybe, don't know? We are not seeing others. He still doesn't know what is what, makes plans for different futures all the time. Some include me, some don't. He comes out on weekends, we sleep together, but I am in limbo.
I have a timeline in my head where I will move on. My fear is that H had made the promise to see me through school and when I am done and employed he will say it's done. That he is fooling himself (and me) into thinking about our future.
So while I am pretty good in my head and with my life, I am a little in limbo here. I am finding my way. Plenty of GAL, 180's have been commented on by H, he loves to spend time with me- these are positives. But guess what? Don't really know if I can spend the rest of my life with him (who regrets everything).
Kate, Welcome to the MLC Forum. I've been following your thread over in Newcomers for a while. First, have you been checked out by a physician? Even though you both aren't dating, you don't know what he may have picked up along the way and I would want to make sure that I am healthy. Please don't put this off. Far too many times, I've seen the mlcer tell the spouse that they've not been dating and later on...bam! The lbs has contracted the gift that keeps on giving.
Your h is a very confused man right now and doesn't know which end is up, i.e., his rocking and back and forth w/gfs and planning his future.
For now, just leave him be, listen and validate. He's got some issues he has to work through. Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly and the answers will come and btw lots of patience is required when dealing w/the mlcers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
This alludes to my post on Newcomers (of which I am really not anymore) where I have downgraded H from a luxurious space in my head to a small cramped, stand up shower and potable burner kind of room...
Of course I find him in different spaces all the time, lounging around. Sometimes I let him stay so I can figure out why the he!! he is there, and sometimes I boot him right back.
My background for those of you who do not want to scroll through a million angst ridden posts
Ok, so we will be best friends. You sound funny. I like funny. Welcome to the boards.
I'm going to use that imagery. What about a porta-potty? I'm feeling a lil angry this week.
Much Love and Welcome,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Kate, Welcome to the MLC Forum. I've been following your thread over in Newcomers for a while. First, have you been checked out by a physician? Even though you both aren't dating, you don't know what he may have picked up along the way and I would want to make sure that I am healthy. Please don't put this off. Far too many times, I've seen the mlcer tell the spouse that they've not been dating and later on...bam! The lbs has contracted the gift that keeps on giving.
Your h is a very confused man right now and doesn't know which end is up, i.e., his rocking and back and forth w/gfs and planning his future.
For now, just leave him be, listen and validate. He's got some issues he has to work through. Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly and the answers will come and btw lots of patience is required when dealing w/the mlcers.
I have an annual coming up and will asked to be tested for sure. We do use condoms
I have asked that H not plan a future out loud to me, he is an out loud talker lol, as opposed to an in my head talker. I set very few boundaries-this was one. The other is lying, whether by omission or boldly.
LOL! "The gift that keeps on giving...." That made me laugh. Not that I haven't heard it before,but it is what I needed today, thanks
Originally Posted By: LoisB
Ok, so we will be best friends. You sound funny. I like funny. Welcome to the boards.
I'm going to use that imagery. What about a porta-potty? I'm feeling a lil angry this week.
Much Love and Welcome,
Heather
How about a shared bathroom down the hall? I am cycling a bit this week myself
One day I'll tell you about the Whack-A-Spouse game...a lot like Whack-A-Mole
Thank you for the welcome and sometimes, I find my situation so unreal and so bizarre that all I can do is laugh
This is actually a 180, since I did a ton of rejecting during the marriage.
I tend to touch him a lot when I see him (LL is touch)
But I do see your thinking. At this point, it does no damage to me. I actually feel myself detaching more than I was a few months ago.
H is taking me away for the weekend (bday present). While I am looking forward to it, I find myself NOT as well....does this make sense? Maybe its because I am usually in a better place with myself than I am today. I'll just wait for the light to change
Hey, Ruby. Welcome to the Midlife forum. I like your thread title. I find myself cycling between bad and better moods these days. It happens so fast, that it feels like I’m on my own rollercoaster, LOL.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Hi Ruby! Just coming to say for now. I have been busy with an upcoming conference so haven't been able to post much. I do know what you mean about looking forward and not at the same time. Enjoy the weekend for you... And as always no expectations.
Am thinking about you.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
