I went to sleep so early last night that I woke up at 3 am and could not get back to sleep. I laid in bed and contemplated my current situation. For so long, I had longed to go back to before BD. It was as if I had lived two separate lives ... before H told me he no longer loved me and after H told me he no longer loved me. I have spent months telling myself that I hate my life and that this totally (censored).
But you know what ... my current life is a million times better than the life I was living just one year ago. I feel like a completely different person. I am strong and confident. I am happy with my little family. Dont get me wrong, I am still traumatized by the current state of my marriage and the loss of my best friend. But I would not go back to my life last year.
The past couple of months I have been focusing on what I needed to change and where my role was in the demise of our marriage. I realized that I never really wrote about what happened in the two years prior to BD. I wanted to get everyone's take on the crisis that I believe that H was experiencing.
Here is a brief summary: H experienced a medical emergency two years to the day before BD. It was completely out of the blue. H was hospitalized on and off for four months. When he was home, he was on IV antibiotics. H had a major surgery. Needless to say, this was super stressful of everyone.
As soon as H recovered, H switched companies and threw himself into a new business venture. He was gone 24/7 building his business. The goal was for him to build his business so that he could eventually get more time off and eventually I would be able to go part-time or quit by job. H started working full time with OW at this point. Instead of coming to be with business related questions (like he usually did), he went to her. And so there relationship began.
Just when things were settling down, H got hit with some really stressful issues involving his prior company. This hit H really hard. He was angry. He worked ever harder to grow his business to how his old company what they lost.
With all the stress, H started going out more and started drinking more often. A few months later he got a DUI. H did not think that he deserved the DUI and the related punishments because he blew just over the legal limit. While one would think that spending a night in jail would be rock bottom, it was only the beginning for H.
H started drinking by himself at home (which he never did before). H stopped coming home at night. H wound up in neighboring state one night, getting a ride with strangers (or with OW but he refuses to tell me the truth). OW got a DUI after dropping H off (she drove the wrong way down a highway). I would think that he was at work and would wake up to find him still out. He would not answer his phone. I would sit up all night holding our newborn baby, sobbing while I waited to see if H was alive. I learned the number to the local jail and would call to see if H had been arrested.
H could care less about how scary it was for me. The last time this happened, H stumbled through our door still drunk the following morning. I had an appointment that I was supposed to go to. H could not understand why I would not leave the kids with him.
It blew my mind that H would take these risks. It was as if he seemed invisible. How can you risk never seeing your children again or killing someone's husband/wife/child in order to just get drunk. This is not the man that I knew for the prior 13 years. Between these things and the A, it seems like there was more going on then him just falling out of love with me.
Are these signs of a MLC or just a crisis in general?
