This alludes to my post on Newcomers (of which I am really not anymore) where I have downgraded H from a luxurious space in my head to a small cramped, stand up shower and potable burner kind of room...
Of course I find him in different spaces all the time, lounging around. Sometimes I let him stay so I can figure out why the he!! he is there, and sometimes I boot him right back.
My background for those of you who do not want to scroll through a million angst ridden posts
- end of September '12: I come across a note in H's phone (yes I was snooping). Of all the things he wanted to quit, I was #3 after smoking and drinking. Of course, if I had kept my mouth shut, he would still be here (since he hasn't quit smoking or drinking)
- He says he doesn't love me, hasn't in a long time (5, 10, 15 years, maybe even since dinosaurs roamed the earth). I say he has to leave. Of course, we have been living apart M-F for the past four years, due to commute for H's job. So, leaving entails no weekends and emotionally leaving.
- October '12: Find out he is sleeping with someone else. Had been running with this woman (known as massage girl) since July. Says he was not physically unfaithful, I believe him, still do. (although he lied and lied about seeing someone for a month)
- December '12: start emailing a little more personally after two and a half months LC/NC. Agree to meet for drinks.
- January "13: Drinks are a fourteen hour conversation that culminates in a make out session. Texts turn flirty for next few months, we make out a few times when we see each other. Emotionally he turns to me, still with MG. H comments I got happy when he left and he didn't, which leads him to think that perhaps it wasn't all me.
- April '13: MG is away for a month, H and I hang. He admits that maybe it was only the last few years that he was unhappy, but there were also good times. That I am one of his best friends. Pushes me constantly to date (insert eye roll). MG breaks up with H, end of April (she does not like his relationship with me and H refuses not to support me fully financially and refuses to cut me out of his life)
-May '13: H still sleeping with MG, not in relationship, though. He misses my first 1/2 marathon which he said he would go to because, I am 99% sure he partied then slept with MG the night before. This is where I realize I was falling for the "believe what he says" thing again...lol
- June '13: MG away again, I sleep with H on a few occasions. End of June, I ask why he seems so strange after. He says he wants to make a go of relationship with MG and I can't be in his life. I say okay, that my love is unconditional, I believe we are not done yet, but if it is what he wants then I will let him go.
- MG sends H Dear John letter. Actually found new BF while she was away and brought him back to this country....
- July '13: Rebound rebound GF for H. This is where I detached, when H said "You have to be out of my life, I left." Push/pull dynamic and was sucked back in, but further detached than ever on my part.
- Aug '13: Second GF breaks it off after citing me as reason (again)
- up until now: H and I "dating". Maybe, don't know? We are not seeing others. He still doesn't know what is what, makes plans for different futures all the time. Some include me, some don't. He comes out on weekends, we sleep together, but I am in limbo.
I have a timeline in my head where I will move on. My fear is that H had made the promise to see me through school and when I am done and employed he will say it's done. That he is fooling himself (and me) into thinking about our future.
So while I am pretty good in my head and with my life, I am a little in limbo here. I am finding my way. Plenty of GAL, 180's have been commented on by H, he loves to spend time with me- these are positives. But guess what? Don't really know if I can spend the rest of my life with him (who regrets everything).
