One particular argument really escalated and became very heated. I actually prevented her from leaving the house, partly out of fear that in her state of mind she might attempt suicide again, and partly out of desperation to talk to her and calm her down. At times she tried to push past me and hit me I grabbed her wrists and restrained her. I am not proud of what happened on this day and realise that are many better ways I could have dealt with this situation, but it happened and I am truly sorry.
That may be a "deal killer" for her. It's common knowledge in domestic violence circles that violence escalates over time. Yelling becomes grabbing the wrists, grabbing the wrists becomes slapping or hitting, slapping or hitting becomes striking with an object, etc. Certainly you could be different, but she doesn't know that.
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A few days after this incident she contacted me to tell me that she had a miscarriage.
Was it due to the violent episode?
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I feel I now have the resources to make this marriage successful and am viewing things from a different perspective than I have previously. I am determined to save this marriage.
When DB really works its best is when you quit trying to save the M and instead truly focus on yourself. You admit that the begging/ pleading/ negotiating you've been engaged in to this point hasn't worked. The reason it hasn't worked is because you are trying to work on the M at a time that your W doesn't want the M. You're at odds with her. The harder you try at the M, the farther away it drives her. The DB approach is to work directly on YOU, make yourself the best possible person, the spouse only a fool would leave. That works on the M indirectly, once the WAS sees this newer, better spouse they -might- be drawn back to them.
I also detect a lot of anxiety in your posts, like you need to do something NOW to get your M back. That's the same anxiety that led you to beg and plead, you're just redirecting it into some other "tricks" to get your W back. The bad news is you'll never get your M back. It's dead and gone. It didn't work, that's why you're here. You shouldn't even want it back yourself. The good news is there is hope, if you can make yourself into the spouse only a fool would leave then you may be able to build a new R with your W and eventually a new M.
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My wife has still showed no signs of change at the moment and I believe she is still determined that it is over.
There's no question of it. It takes a lot of time before a WAS might change their mind, many months or even years.
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My biggest question and required advice at the moment is "How should I handle the Mediation?"
Don't do anything to interfere with it happening, but don't help it along either. Let your W handle all arrangements.
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If she wants to try to screw me over I will let her and just show care for her needs throughout it all.
No, that will not help your sitch at all. Do fight for what is rightfully yours. If you just roll over she will lose respect for you.
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I've got my sleeves rolled up ready, so let's do this, let's save a marriage.
You're here to save YOU. Place your focus there.
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I then got a phone call from my wife and she ended up asking me on the phone about me moving out of the marital home so she can live there.
Every sitch is unique, but as a rule we advise the LBS not to move. The WAS should deal with the ramifications of their decision to end the M. They should deal with the inconvenience of moving. They should feel the sting of no longer being in familiar surroundings. Also when children are involved they see the house as "home" and they tend to view whoever left the home as the "guilty party" in breaking up the family. Sometimes there are circumstances that render it impossible for the LBS to stay in the home, like perhaps they can't afford it, or maybe it's the WAS's family home. So it's general advice that may or may not apply to your sitch.
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So I ended up not agreeing to it, which made her angry and she ended up just saying I would hear from her solicitor then. I feel extremely disappointed as it feels like I have just undone much of the good work and discipline from over the past month.
Well again, you're not working on your M, you're working on you. WAS's will throw tantrums and express rage. That doesn't undo any work you've done on yourself. This is why we say "detach", basically we're saying don't let yourself be affected by their crazy mood swings. Just maintain a polite, respectful pleasant attitude no matter how angry she gets.
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Also on the subject of divorce, I can see how standing my ground on these issues and not agreeing could actually end up pushing her further away.
You need to take a short term view on protecting yourself and a long term view on saving the M.
