The Big Hill

[Portia]

Pud

I know how difficult it is to lose someone so close. At the same time I am grieving though, I think of the awesome times we had together and the memories which made us family. I find I can smile through the tears that way. Missing someone is testament to how much we lived them.

I can also relate to the surprise that you felt when you encounter the reality if the broken empathy chip. While my parent's life was coming to an end, I did not hear from my xSO once for the whole week and a half prior. Not to see how she was and not to check on me. Those actions are what make me pause before responding to him.

And if you have to flip him off when he is not looking, go for it! Truthfully I have lectured my xSO in my head more times than I can count in all kinds of colourful language. Made me feel better even if I did scare the cat.

[tigerlily78]

I am so sorry Pud. I am sending you a virtual hug. I wish your H could have mustered up a grain of thoughtfulness.

Sometimes I think men don't even understand how their communication style is lacking. He may think "I bet" means he validated that he knows you had a bad day with it. It's the laziest version of validation for sure and you certainly have every right to expect better from a functional adult. Just keep reminding yourself that although in Db'ing we have to keep trying to treat them with the respect you would give a functional adult, they aren't ACTUALLY that person at the moment.

[beatrice]

A wonderful poster way back said that MLCers are 'lazy, selfish and entitled'

I am very sorry your h could not muster more empathy, but remember , as everyone says, that bit is missing (along with a lot else). LOL

I do know that dealing with these anniversaries is hard. I have lost both my parents and my sister. Sometimes life feels very fragile, and precious, and we wonder why these people are not on their knees thanking God for what they have.

[Pudmuddle]

JF, Porta, tiger, bea, thank you all so much for the validation I needed! Your support during this time is invaluable to me. Portia you made me chuckle at scaring the cat, lol.

However, I have a weird twist or two here to report.

When I was leaving work I got a call from H saying that our S had called and wanted us to pick him up earlier than we thought. So H said he would do it since I was not even close to home yet. I said thanks and then tried to end the convo there. He then proceeded to bring up my dad and said he was sorry. He said he didn't understand what my 'nm' (nevermind) comment was. I said that I just didn't understand his 'I bet' comment as that is something you would say to someone you barely knew and that is just not the person I knew him to be.

He said that he has sent another text with more 'I know this must be so stressful for you' and some other things I can't remember. I was surprised and said I didn't get that one. And I didn't. So my first thought is he was lying to cover up that he messed up. So we kind of ended the convo there.

Then after he got home from his karate class, I was sitting on the sofa. He came up behind me and showed me the text on his cell phone. Sure enough it was there with timestamp and everything related to our convo. Well I don't know what happened but I never got that text. Technology [censored] sometimes, lol.

AFter that, I looked at him and said 'Thank you, I know you try'. He said 'Yeah.' Then our S interrupted our convo with something so H was turned away. I grabbed his arm and swung him around and guess what? I got another hug! And it was again the full bodies touching arms hugging tight kind of hug. It was again...awesome! <sniff>. He also asked again if I had talked to my mom today. I said "Yes, and she's getting married!" He was like 'Whaaa?'

Yep, my has gone onto match.com and posted 'Looking for some old goat who is not looking for a sweet young thing'. LOL!! You can see where I get my sense of humor. She met a very nice man who lives in Canada and is actually British. They have been skyping, emailing and have met in person and she is like a teenager in love! It's hilarious. I'm very happy for her, but I digress.

Back to the more weirdness. So this morning I get up and go downstairs to get coffee, thinking my H has already left. He then came back upstairs from basement to get his breakfast and drink he left on the counter. He said a cheerful Good morning, how are you? I said good, and then started rubbing my eye because there was something in it. He was just looking at me the whole time. Felt a bit strange.

So then I go to the fridge and get my almond milk and I'm pouring it in my coffee. He starts edging nearer to me, and as I'm closing up the milk, he reaches to me and again gives me a big hug. Me = in shock. I say quietly 'Thank you for the nice hug'.
And he says Uh huh. And then he leaves.

What the heck you guys? This is a very very nice turn here, but it's also freakin' me out!!! LOL!

[LoisB]

I do know that dealing with these anniversaries is hard. I have lost both my parents and my sister. Sometimes life feels very fragile, and precious, and we wonder why these people are not on their knees thanking God for what they have.

And Bea does it again. This is exactly what mystifies me. After losing my dad and grandfather to MLC, I can't imagine just throwing away a family intact. It's too precious.

I guess it goes to show how backwards their values, principles, core beliefs are...Only an enormous amount of pain could drive someone to make life's biggest mistake--in my opinion. But, then, I've been in enormous pain and I'm still here--with my kids. Mystifying. When MLC-ers can turn away their own children, then that's really messed up.

[LoisB]

What the heck you guys? This is a very very nice turn here, but it's also freakin' me out!!! LOL!

I say let's not question or overthink it. ENJOY IT!!

Enjoy that moment for whatever it was. But no expectations of it ever happening again!! Just love this MLC, don'tcha?

How do you NOT have expectations when you have been living in he!! and something nice like this happens? Something unexpected.

But, DON'T DO IT! No Expectations.

When you least expected it, he rose to the occasion.

How nice! :-)

Heather

[JFun51]

Just caught up on your night, Pud. Looks like H tried. It's so confusing on our end when things are almost nice and normal. I'll echo what others have said: No Expectations and Live in the Moment.

Lesson for me today also.

[Whiterose]

Two hugs and some kindness.....I'm so glad for you Pud!! You deserve a bit of "nice"

Savour it but be careful not to expect it again today, no expectation, as we all know MLCers change with the wind.

Have a fantastic day my friend

[3boymom]

Enjoy the good moments and keep moving forward. You are doing something right! I feel like when we can keep our expectations low, our Hs can surprise us with something really small. Heck - it beats being disappointed all the time!!

[BrightFuture]

Pud, it is interesting that you posted about missed text. I’m trying to think that my H didn’t reply to my last text because it got lost, and not because he didn’t want to reply. I’ve been getting myself worked out about that for the second day now.

I’m glad he acknowledged your feelings about your Dad. And the hugs are so nice… Just don’t put too much in it yet, keep your expectations low for now.