The Pats lost in a true nail biting fashion with 6 seconds to go in the red zone!
FY, I watched The Wheel of Fortune earlier tonight. At the very last game in the final round, the category was "phrase" and there were only about 5 RSTLNE letters up on the board. The bonus letters did not show up. And the contestant guessed the phrase at the very last second as "Forever Young" ! My jaw nearly dropped to my lap while sitting in my relciner chair. It made me think of you. _______________________________ Raine, let's rumble on!!
I'm going to split the post into two sections. The first will cover you as the LBS and the second will cover the MLCer's POV in which I'll post from the perspective as a reformed MLCer badass. ________________________________ Based on what I've gleaned from your recent posts, the following are general themes that have emerged from your stream of consciousness.
Fear of the unknown Trust Acknowledgement of the hurt and betrayal Forgiveness Transparency Emotional triggers Expectations Vulnerability
All of above words can be summarized as in an executive summary to the executive in you, Raine: It is always a choice whether to achieve clarity or remain in conflicted projection.
You might want to consider the following issues.
Fear of the unknown: Having the TNT detonated right under your own feet without any prior warning has certainly scared the bejesus outta you. No two ways about it! What I see about the conflicted projection is that you are projecting your fears of the unknown into the future of a "potential" yet-to-be identified second crisis that you feel will undercut your already fragile sense of marital security because you THINK that H will not be able to cope with them SHOULD and IF that WOULD happen in, say, 1, 3 or 5 years down the road.
Sit down with this fear and talk with it. What is the inner child trying to tell you here?
Trust: There's been a spirited discussion on this topic! It is something worth to delve into the very core issue. At it's most basic level, it is doubting yourself and convincing yourself that you're less than you are. Trust yourself and be confident of the answers from within.
When trust is broken between intimate partners, it casues and forces the underlying issues to brought to the surface to be examined. Which is what you're doing here and through IC.
What does "trust" mean to you? What did you learn about it growing up? How does that color your worldview?
You mentioned that H 'knew' what he did was "morally" and "ethically wrong." Based on what? It is a matter of perception and interpretation.
Acknowledgement of the hurt and betrayal: What I am hearing here is that you're mourning the loss of innocence. We all first got married filled with hope, love, and wholesome young innocence. Right? When that "everlasting promise" is seriously breached by an A, all of our preconceived notions about what constitutes a marriage comes crashing down on our heads. It is a deep wound inflicted unilaterally into our psyches and souls.
This is much more pronounced and prolonged due to the loooong nature of the MLC process.
Can you accept the pain and let it go? Can you stop your mind from dwelling on it? Can you glance at it and acknowledge it? Can you stop making a big deal out of it?
Doing your best will not always prevent pain, Raine.
Forgiveness: Not giving yourself nor H true forgiveness continues to poison the marriage. True forgiveness means that you are no longer willing to slowly keep drinking that poison. You know the Snow White story. Yet it does not necessarily mean that you condone H's actions/behaviors.
Are you there yet? No? Keep working on that cong-dis within you. Hell, I'm STILL working at this long after Ms. Wonka walked out the door 9 years ago!
Transparency: For what true purpose does being "transparent" serve to you? How would that look to you? Does H have any input on this? Is H in agreement with you on this?
How can one delineate between transparency and control?
You cannot possibly ask H do X, Y, & Z by COB or assign a hard deadline using a Visio flow chart. You'd like that very much! Just be fully cognizant of the bleed over effect from the office into the home sanctuary.
Emotional triggers: I find it particularly striking that you were not able to share with H about these emotional triggers. What is holding you back? What are the fears that block you from this? Do you feel not safe in doing this?
Your H is clearly starting to notice the effects, but doesn't really know the WHY's.
Which leads right to the next issue:
Vulnerability: Emotional intimacy requires a certain level of vulnerability. Opening up about your emotional triggers suggests some range of vulnerability that circles back to trust. If all three are not aligned and clearly defined by you, then what can YOU do to push the needle in the direction that you WANT TO?
What are your expectations? In relation to you? In relation to H? In relation to the marital relationship?
Expectations: It is the human saying to oneself, "I predict that A will take place, and B will occur and C is the outcome." Right?
Now Raine, DBing is akin to having complted your advanced Calculus coursework. Right? Okay...following me so far.
Where is your H in this process? Still in the 3rd grade trying to master long addition problems.
"I work my ass off to be part of an amazing relationship, I want someone else who is too." --Raine
Are you willing to be patient and let H catch up? Are you willing to mentor him and show him the ropes?
