Don't know what to think

[tigerlily78]

Yes, it is now time for me to find the love for myself along with the support I get from all of you to get through this. As you said, that's what we are all here for - each other.

I hope you're hanging in there, as well. I'll check your thread.

My thanks and hugs to you as well.

No problem, dear. I can call you Dear and it isn't misconstrued as pursuing! LOL.

Oh yes, head over to my thread and you will probably have a good laugh actually. I am still in the "My H is hopelessly ridiculous" phase and I let therapy today go to my head I think. I really think the DB'ing welcome toolkit should come with sedatives and duct tape.

[TSquared2]

Something my IC said to me about W...that she pushed me away, hard, because she knew I cared for her deeply, and she didn't want to drag me down into her crap as much as possible, because she knew I would go there with her trying to help.

So, in an odd way, it was an act of love.

She had to go places I couldn't follow, would be too hurtful to follow, and she cared about me enough to push me away and tell me to go home.

Ever see those movies where the kid has to tell the loyal dog to go home, to NOT follow? Hard for both parties, but confusing as hell for the dog...

[AJM]

Ya know T, that's a feeling I've had often throughout this. I do suspect the same in this case that T-Bone has mentioned.

Tiger, I think sedatives and duct tape should be standard issue, but taken away when we're starting to date. Just want to make sure there are boundaries before they are needed (humor. Or humour if you're on the other side of the pond - can be a good thing and is a terrible thing to go without)

T-Bone, it is no fun and there are really three sets of feelings involved - yours, his, and the together yours/his. You have been given some good advice and some perspective gems. Please take care of yourself and look to the bright-side each morning. Life is good even when times are tougher than the others.

Peace,
AJ

[T-boned]

OMG - I totally didn't see all these great responses by Tiger, T2d and AJ over the past few days. I missed seeing I had another page, all the time thinking no one had responded. Some day I'll get this posting and checking for posts thing all figured out-just bear with me. Had kind of an up and down day but just got back from a run on the beach where the day is what I call a 'Chamber of Commerce' day - spectacular! So tonight finding all this great stuff makes me sooooo happy!!!

Tiger: I so love your humor (duct tape and sedatives)! And am impressed that it is coming from someone who is relatively new at this and is involved in an incredible sh-tstorm. Geez, girl, you are amazing. Thanks for making me laugh and smile - and no, I don't see you calling me 'dear' as pursuing, although when you think it or say it, it's almost a knee-jerk reaction in any situation!!! ((())) to you.

T2d:

Something my IC said to me about W...that she pushed me away, hard, because she knew I cared for her deeply, and she didn't want to drag me down into her crap as much as possible, because she knew I would go there with her trying to help.

So, in an odd way, it was an act of love.

She had to go places I couldn't follow, would be too hurtful to follow, and she cared about me enough to push me away and tell me to go home.

Ever see those movies where the kid has to tell the loyal dog to go home, to NOT follow? Hard for both parties, but confusing as hell for the dog...

Wow! I love this! What insight! I could totally buy into this knowing my H the way I do. This feels so right-on. And I do feel so much like the loyal dog . . (Hey, where's your IC - I think I need an appointment :))

AJ:

You have been given some good advice and some perspective gems. Please take care of yourself and look to the bright-side each morning. Life is good even when times are tougher than the others.

Yes, thanks to you I have been given some real gems and I hope to be able to reciprocate once I get the rusty lock open on my treasure chest! Most of my gems will have been forged through the advice I've received from the people on this site, but I know I have a few originals in there somewhere to throw out.

Update; called H to see if we could get together and talk about what we are both expecting out of this divorce in relation to our house (he knows I want to stay here), other property, pensions, etc... I told him we both don't know what the other one wants so we should start addressing some of this. If anything, agree on a list of topics? He said it was a good idea but wouldn't be around until the weekend after Thanksgiving. Leaves today to go up to be with his family. So we'll see how it goes when he gets back. In the mean time, I am going to get some things done I've had on my list - I'm taking the whole week off next week until the following Tues. so I have lots of 'free' time. Got some friends to visit and hikes to go on.

So right now I feel somewhat okay with this sitch simply because at least it is movement in some direction, even if it's not the direction I want to go. But it beats the limbo I've been in the last 7 months. And then to see the responses from you guys just made it all even better! Love you all !!!!

[T-boned]

Not feeling too good today. Feels like 3 steps forward and two back. I just miss him soooo much. Went for a run on the beach and it was such a beautiful day - perfect for going out in the water with our surfboards - I just wanted to do that with him today.I want to do so many things with him. I hate this detaching sh!t. I don't want to detach but I know I have to in order to save myself. Feels like I make progress and then I fall apart. Is this the rollercoaster? Just want to hole up.

Talked with my neighbor the other night who sees H when he comes around. Says H's not doing good - tries like hell to put on the show but there is an element of angst about him. H told my neighbor he didn't realize how much he lost in this whole thing. Not sure what he means by that - probably means many things on many levels, not just our marriage. I wish he was lamenting not having our relationship and was at a crossroads in deciding whether to come back and give it a try.If wishes were horses . . . Unfortunately, I think his pride will keep him from ever coming back.

Gawd,I hate this.

[T-boned]

Sorry - I think the holidays are catching up with me.

Thank goodness for this board -

[job]

I'm sorry you are having a down day. The holidays tend to bring the blues and depression out in us. Do you have plans for the holiday? Friends and family that you can spend some time with?

Detaching takes a lot of time to learn. So be kind to yourself along the way. If you feeling like crying or screaming, do it. You need to let those feelings out. Keeping them bottled up will only make you feel worse. BTW, you don't have to appear happy all of the time around people. It's okay to feel a bit off. No one is happy 100% of the time.
Feel the pain and let it go.

Pamper yourself today and try to relax a bit. MLC tends to create a large stress pocket in our lives. Take care of yourself.

[T-boned]

Thanks, Job.

Yes, I have plans for the holiday - having my 92yr old mom and my oldest sister (70) over for dinner. If they were fun to be around I'd probably be welcoming spending time with my side of the family, but they are not. My upbringing and family life has pretty much been one of duty, not one where there was much demonstration of love and affection. And lots of judging - how thin you are, do you have wrinkles, what clothes are you wearing. Every time I see them I get the once over. I've learned to ignore it - my H used to call them on it all the time.

Anyway, I plan to have them over, but will try to get them home early and go visit some friends. Hard there too in that these are friends H and I spent a lot of time with. But I'll be glad to see them.

I'll be ok. As you said, I'll feel the pain, let it out and hopefully in a few hours it will pass.

Thanks for the support. I know you have great insight by reading other posts where you've given support.

Thank you again...

[tigerlily78]

Not feeling too good today. Feels like 3 steps forward and two back. I just miss him soooo much.

Sorry you are having a down day. I know that feeling too well. Climbing in a big, empty cold bed at night and all of that... it's tough to get used to.

Wow, so the neighbor really sees H is going through a difficult time too. I wouldn't assume that you know what he is talking about when he says "everything he's lost" ...the relationship could be in there too, they just have a tendency to be vague or general. It's very possible your H has to walk himself right up to the edge of divorce before it really all hits him in the face. There have been several other cases on the boards that seemed to go that way. I wouldn't give up all hope just yet, but at the same time you need to take those practical steps to prepare yourself and be ready to move on if indeed he is really ready to go through with the D.

So sorry for you. Sending hugs.

[T-boned]

Sorry I disappeared over the Thanksgiving weekend but I just want everyone who has been with me to know I am back. Had a really good week off - even the dinner with my mom and sister was surprisingly good. The day after T-day I visited a friend for the weekend and came back so refreshed. Feel like I can tackle anything - even going to the mediator with H to get proceedings going. Although I still don't want my marriage to end, I have to accept what is true right now. I am where I am supposed to be for what ever reason.

I did call his folks last night just to check in with them - his dad has had some health issues lately, and I just wanted to tell them I was thinking of them over the holiday. They seemed very happy to talk to me - we did not talk about H at all. It was good and it felt right.

It's late and I have to get to bed, but will post again soon with other details. Plus I have to get caught up on everyone else.

I hope you all had as good a holiday as possible. These are the tough times especially the first time.... hang in there. Lots of love and support to be found here!