How to convince resistant LD wife?

[melissag]

OK, but you seem to be implying that you'd be less devastated if I divorced you first, and then had a girlfriend. We're talking about the lesser of evils here, not the fact that it's upsetting. A sexless marriage is already upsetting. So any alternative, even doing nothing, is upsetting someone. Doing nothing, divorce, girlfriend -- they're all upsetting to someone.

Nope, that's not what I meant. The distinction to me is that when my H said that he was so miserable that he wanted a D, I finally understood how much this was hurting him. Because, I am embarrassed to say this, but I didn't understand (because I was looking at it through my own lens) how this could possibly be SO important, and I thought (before he BD'd) he was just being overdramatic about it. The fact that he was SO hurt (and there were other issues, not just sex, but that was the big one that he always complained about) made me take ten big steps back, and listen to what he said without judging it, and look at how *I* was acting and where I went wrong.

Now . . . in the state of mind I was in (this is silly, he's being overdramatic, he just wants to get laid, he only values me for sex, etc.), if he had come to me and said "I want to get a girlfriend to have sex with since you won't give it to me," this would have only fed into my delusional thoughts. And then I'd really think, wow, what a total jerk. And it would NOT have made me want to really take a step back and look at the situation through his eyes. It would not have made me understand how hurt he was.

So - I agree with you that yes, someone is going to be upset no matter what you do. And I agree with you that sure, it seems to make sense to ask if you can have a girlfriend in order to avoid divorce, because hey, what have you got to lose, right?

I am just saying that, for me, and your W may be totally different, I don't think that H asking to have a girlfriend would have helped anything, and in fact, it probably would have made it worse.

I know you kind of answered where your W is with all of this (she says she feels guilty, she'll think about it, but nothing ever comes of it) , but I don't think you ever said what her stance is on sex. Is she saying forget it, I'll never have sex with you again? I don't like sex at all? I like sex but I am not attracted to you? I want to have sex but I don't feel my needs are being met?