You keep talking about getting a girlfriend. What do you mean by that?
I don't mean the end result as much as the leverage of transparently moving in that direction. If the alternative is divorce, then what have you got to lose? Specifically, I mean talking about it in stages. First mentioning wanting to have a girlfriend. If that doesn't get my wife involved in addressing the problem, then say you're going to get a girlfriend, but not actually getting one. And even if you get a girlfriend, you can still say you haven't done anything physically.
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Do you think you could find a woman who would agree to a purely sexual relationship with a married man, and that she would never want anything more?
Well, let's put it this way, that's easy to find compared to the difficulty of getting my wife interested in having sex! Yes, I already know women who are so inclined at this point given their situations. There are women who would actually prefer the situation because they don't want somebody complicating their lives and expecting more at this particular point in their lives.
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Or maybe you would want more.
Sure, maybe I'd have more than one partner after a while. But again, that's no difficulty I'd need any help with compared to the big problem I haven't been able to solve.
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Or maybe you would feel horrible for cheating on your wife, even if she said it was OK.
No, I would not feel horrible, because I wouldn't actually do it unless everybody was OK with it. I'm figuring the process of trying to get an OK for it might be enough to get my wife to consider the situation seriously first.
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And most likely, even if she said it was OK, she would be devastated. I know I would have.
OK, but you seem to be implying that you'd be less devastated if I divorced you first, and then had a girlfriend. We're talking about the lesser of evils here, not the fact that it's upsetting. A sexless marriage is already upsetting. So any alternative, even doing nothing, is upsetting someone. Doing nothing, divorce, girlfriend -- they're all upsetting to someone.
So what do you think about the stages. You might think your husband is an ass for asking if he can have a girlfriend. But isn't that still less upsetting than him going out and getting one but saying they're only friends? And isn't that less upsetting than him getting one and then saying he's sleeping with her?
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And I know, you can lecture me and say "well, what do you expect? he's never going to have sex again?" But logical or not, fair or not, that's the way it is. I would never be OK with my husband sleeping with another woman, whether I was putting out or not.
But the alternative is, would you automatically feel a whole lot better if he divorced you FIRST, and then slept with the other woman? Does the divorce make it all better for you? That's what I don't get when people talk about divorce. I guess it depends on how you regard a legal status in emotional terms. I've heard of couples where the divorce didn't change the emotional equation at all, and someone is even more enraged when their ex starts sleeping with other people.
By the way, I don't think the word "cheat" really applies when it's consensual with everyone. I think of it as applying to secrecy and dishonesty, which is not my cup of tea.
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Have you brought this up with your W? If she objects bc you are not supposed to have sex outside your M, you can perhaps remind her that you ARE supposed to have sex inside your M . . . .
Yes, done all of that. She doesn't mind that I have female friends, though she stops short of giving me explicit permission for sex with others. By the way, some of my best female friends have also become her best friends.
