GUILT IS IT A GOOD SIGN?

[kml]

Maybe it also helps that in my case I keep having dreams where AFTER OW gets dumped she does something nuts, like shoots my H in a public place.

You know, I wouldn't completely write off such feelings - or possibly, intuitions.

I do know of a case here where a woman's WAH was shot and killed in what appeared to be a random street killing; turned out to be a contract by the husband of the OW. Another case where the WAH was shot in the head and injured by the husband of the female coworked that the WAH insisted he was just friends with (but later, suspiciously, had an affair with).

[reachingHigher]

Hi Ambiv!

You know I am better at sharing my story than dispensing advice, lol!

The way it went down was little by little after H moved out, he let me know about wanting a D. Late summer of 2012 we were connecting really well and then a switch...boom...he backed up and was more distant and insisted on D. Said "overnight" wasn't fast enough.

I panicked and called a DB coach.

Then I went along with the D too, protecting myself as best I could. I saw two lawyers and decided on the second, more experienced one. Both L's said my H was MLC and they expected him to snap out of it but didn't know how long it would be.

I told H he could use my L to save money. I went for the initial visit and ended up being the one to draft papers and "file". This gave me the ability to spell out what I wanted, altho I hated it and kept reminding H it was only b/c HE was insisting.

Then H & I went together (this is about November of 2012) and we held hands, shared a water bottle, etc. H asked me for dinner and drinks that night in front of the L. Surreal.

H held me in his arms in the lobby while they ran my credit card through the machine. $2500.

I began dividing our stuff and gave him a little more each time I saw him. I took title to 3 vehicles and then said he couldn't drive those vehicles any more.

During this time we all had Thanksgiving at my sister's house. Held hands, hugged, slept together. My BIL said H had the deer-in-the-headlights look.

December 23, H said most timidly through tears that he wanted to delay the D a month or two. Then it was 3 or 4 months. Then he started staying overnight, no ML. One or two nights. Five nights a week.

In January he asked for the L's phone number and called himself to delay the D. They called me later to be sure it was what I wanted not just a wild hair up his....

In early January also, he went to an MD and started three months of AD. This was key. HIM asking for help.

Then he asked for MC (through tears again) together. Then he talked about moving back in. Lived out of a gym bag for months.

June of 2013 he closed his apartment and was fully moved in. But still some emotional reserve.

This summer he asked if I could get some money back from the L. So I knew he was done with the D for now. I can't get any $ back, btw.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

About the ML. We agreed together when he moved out March of 2012 we would continue to do that. We did, but H went deep into replay almost immediately.

Yes, he always dressed and left soon after. He never stayed overnight from March of 2012 to December of 2012.

He was always cold to me afterwards. Avoided eye contact, etc. Like he was ashamed he had that need.

I didn't do anything to ease the pain of that for myself. It just was. I knew it helped keep a thread of his heart. Occasionally, not often, I would get a 5 second hug of really him. Mostly it wasn't him. Mostly he was this alien. The eyes, the things he would say, his plans, his friends, everything. Alien. So alien.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Recently, within the past month, he told me he had to go "that far". That far into replay really, to prove, to know, to be what he wanted. If he hadn't, he insinuated, he would've gone back into the tunnel eventually, not having learned what he needed to. He didn't use all those terms, but that's what he meant.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I've gotten no apologies of the magnitude I wanted. His pain was severe. He needed to go through this to mature and be a man whom he can be proud of. I needed some changes too.

It's a terrible thing to go through on both sides. But the rewards so far are unbelievably sweet. My H had all the markers for a severe crisis. But we didn't see it coming.

I have a lot of pity for anyone in this on both sides. And sometimes I cry out of gratitude and joy but its a joy that's been forged through sorrow.

[Pudmuddle]

That was really beautiful rH. To see all the heartbreak, pain and sorrow and then how you came through with such graciousness and unconditional love in your heart. I hope I can have that feeling some day.

Sometimes sharing the story is better than the advice given!

[Ambivalent]

Thanks RH

I really do like your story, and all that you share.

Did you ever find out why all of a sudden he pulled away and started pushing for the divorce?

Also, why did YOU file. I know your coach said not to fight it, but why didn't you let him go file?

[Ambivalent]

I concur with you Pudd.

It puts things in perspective. I can only imagine the heart pounding when filing for divorce. The fear, the woeful emotions. I don't want to go there. I am willing to stand and work on myself every single day.

[reachingHigher]

Well....I knew I would NEVER be one of the ones to file. Never.

But ya know...life sometimes deals you unexpected things.

Here is what I felt:

I was his help-meet.

When he wanted to move out, I agreed and supported his decision.

When he signed a year's lease on his apartment, after four months in a executive furnished apartment, I let him take whatever furnishings he needed from the house.

When he wanted a D, with Chuck's (DB coach) concurrence, I supported him.

It was a "we" thing.
But I explained to H our lives were dividing no matter how much he didn't want them to.

The way the L explained it to me, and maybe it was a bunch of b.s., idk, but if I filed I had more chance of getting more money (I don't work outside the home) for me and the boys. The L said that was better than responding to a low ball offer, as it were.

And H and I agreed outside the L's office, I took half of everything. It still wasn't fair (me and the boys on half his salary and him alone on half) but I would have a decent life for five years till our younger son turned 18.

Thus I filed.

I didn't have the heart pounding. Just an overwhelming feeling of sadness and unreality. I just felt it was a new chapter in my life and one day I would be able to stop crying and hold my head high.

And...honestly, since H was pushing so hard for it....he had seen like 3 L's, I think, I was ready to get it over with. I could've lived with limbo for longer but I felt like you wanna D? Okay. We will do it.

Chuck emphasized its not the same in every sitch. My H was paying a LOT of attention to me. We had lots of text fests and when I cut off ML in October 1 of 2012, it seemed like he chased me continually.

But remember, he was DONE in 2008 (my tag line). He said to me over and over four years of misery is enuf! Let us both get on with our lives.

He surrounded himself with beautiful women during replay. But his soul was empty. He was ready for healing. He just thought he was ready for D.

And...he had been "on the fence" for a full year with wanting to run from the M. I still can't believe what happened with us.
It's truly a miracle.

I do wonder what is down the road for you all.
It's so important to take care of yourself.
Follow your gut feeling.
Listen to a DB coach if you can afford even one session.
And the old....know you'll be okay....cause you will!!

[Ambivalent]

Reaching I get nervous when I read about the divorce. I don't know if I can be that strong. Right now having a name, and his lying about everything confuses me.

I am trying so hard to be strong, loving , and accepting. What must he think? I mean let's be real. He moved out in May, and his wife is being cheerful, cooperative, trying to work with him on issues. She is making breakfast at 4 in the morn for his hunting trips.

She has lost weight, and is dressing well/sexier. What the heck is going through his mind, and then he's out using Viagra, doing what one does when they use Viagra...this is all so surreal.

[Ambivalent]

Today got some things accomplished:

Morning routine

Gymn

Got car tires rotated and realigned

Had prescription filled

Got hair trimmed

Found a bank with free checking and no min. balance!

Went to two dance classes, and yes I'm tired

What I'm thankful for today:

It was a lovely Autumn day, sun shining and warm

I burned 300 cal. on elliptical in just a 1/2 an hour

I actually got to do two classes tonight

I got several compliments at dance tonight, one about my hair
and another about my dancing

No negative interaction with H. today

Smiled the whole time while dancing tonight and I'm getting better every lesson.

Now , I am concerned that there is a Julie. I can't help thinking about her.

I did notice when H. was here on Sat. when he was undressing, that he sucked in his stomach around me. Interesting, that he'd do that for me. It looks as if he has put some stomach weight on since he's left.

Going to keep praying and hoping, while checking off my list.

[tigerlily78]

Sounds like you had a good and busy day, Ambi. Good for you. Just looking at your list makes me feel tired.

[Ambivalent]

Looks like a decent day today.

My list:

Morn. routine

Go to gymn

Go to bank and open account

Work on my kit for exam

Look for another job

Go to school

Watch some movies I taped

Trying trying trying to stop my brain!

One day at a time, one moment in time