He bought a house? With community funds? And assumed you wouldn't find out about it? What a clown!
These guys really take the cake. And the vets are right. Just sit back, and let the answers come. But in the meantime document EVERYTHING!!! I am so glad I am because the puzzle is finally coming together. Not that it makes that much difference in what WE as LBS do. But it helps to know we are the sane ones and they ARE NOT!
Good luck in your search and with your can of worms. Hope everything works out. Keep us posted.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
The thing is, you made a stand. Don't regret making a stand. Ever. It's part of who YOU are. It's best to take the rose colored glasses off as soon as possible, but don't ever regret the choices you made. You made those choices with the information you had at the time and they were good, sound choices based on what you knew. It's important to realize that, GM.
Now that you see more clearly, take the appropriate action and don't look back. For those out there going through similar, take heed. Make your choices and stand by them. But for God's sake, don't be fooled by the past person they were. I wasn't happy with the choices or being lied to. But over the last few days I've once again revisited my choices. And I'm happy to say I don't regret a single one. My situation was different of course, but I took those glasses off and saw earlier in the process. I knew I was doing things the way I could live with them later. Finances and such aside, I have no regrets about them. The finances? I'm lucky that I have a job to help me through them. I get that. For others, you have to assume that they won't "wake up" and "come back" and act accordingly. You can change course as needed, but you won't regret taking those precautions GM mentions.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Another bit of advice, get all support/reimbursement/add-on payments by check. Make a copy before it's deposited and keep it with the deposit slip. Better yet, get a copy of the canceled check each month. I was unaware that my ex was making deposits by cash. I have no proof that it was actually him making the deposits and that may cause a delay in my refi. I'm in the process of closing my loan (finally!) but am being asked for canceled checks. Thank goodness my support order covered a retroactive period and states the amount that he paid each month. That covers the time period in question along with my bank statements.
I've spent a lot of time this past week reviewing correspondence and emails from the last two years. I've also been getting documents in order to support my claims. Some of what I've found is chilling, particularly an email from xh where he states that he "will not let me starve and will not hurt me as long as I am reasonable." Our definitions of reasonable as it applies to the D and settlement are completely different. His threats have continued.
It's amazing the amount of documents that I have, including xh's divorce decree from w1. I had never read it until last night and was shocked to see that the D was granted on the grounds of cruel and inhumane treatment. I researched the definition and proof needed in the state where the D was filed and learned that there has to be substantial evidence to use this claim as a basis for D. My heart is still thumping over this discovery. I don't believe the abuse was overt, but more likely an insidious form like I suffered, including gaslighting and the cruel and destructive behavior of a gambling addict.
Through my continued research I've learned that xh's gambling debts are viewed as separate debts and can't be factored into a CP division. I also learned that debts brought into the marriage are separate and that our community estate is entitled to reimbursement of funds used to pay those debts. Neither of my attorneys has asked me about any of this even though I've stated my belief that xh is a compulsive gambler, even in front of the judge during our settlement conference. I have also stated frustration over being liable for those debts.
Newbies, please pay attention. I understand how hard it is when you're dealing with shock and grief over your marriage. I was there. I wish I had taken the time to do some research in the beginning. I had way too much trust and faith in my attorney to protect my interests and take the necessary steps on my behalf. Instead, she racked up huge fees sparring with opposing counsel and accomplishing nothing.
What I do have after this prolonged D is a paper trail showing all the fraud, non-disclosures, abuse, etc. My xh was completely aided by his attorney.
If nothing more I can prove a pattern of behavior that has been detrimental to me and my kids.
I've been reflecting back at who I was at 24 when xh and I met. I was so naive and trusting. I was so happy and was full of excitement over our future plans. I realize the vision was all mine. Xh was already deep in his addiction. Later, the boys and I became a smokescreen that xh hid behind. We were the typical middle class family on the outside, but I was the keeper of xh's big secret.
This has been exhausting, but necessary. I hope my story helps someone here who may be dealing with addiction, abuse and a difficult D process. I understand the despondency that comes with it. It can and will get better when you start taking proactive steps. Please listen to the vets when they say to leave your MLCer to their own journey and focus on you and your kids.
To all of the vets here that have posted to me and others and continue to give of yourself and share your experiences, thank you! I'm so grateful for all of your steadfast advice, prodding, reminders and encouragement.
golf mom, A very wise posting. So many come here hurt and disillusioned, but do not want to hear the advice that we provide, i.e., protect your assets, do your homework, etc. Unfortunately, many of the posters do not realize that their spouses can't be trusted until later on as the separation/divorce begin to take place w/the negotiations, etc.
I'm sorry that you have had to go through this mess, but I'm happy that you kept all of your documents and found the divorce decree from his first marriage. Sometimes, those little "finds" will open our eyes just a bit more and make us wonder about the addictions, etc.
I do hope that the readers will read this particular thread and realize that as soon as they get the BD, they need to start focusing on their finances and assets because the MLCers will spend every cent they can get their hands on, i.e., no matter that their spouses and children need in the way of support.
You sound very strong and more balanced these days. How are you and the boys doing? How is your father doing? I admire you for the way that you have handled yourself in your situation. Your advice about taking care of you, your family and your assets/finances is very spot on.
Thank you for posting this information.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, thank you so much for your reply and for asking about me and my family. The boys and I are doing well. After a stagnant period our faith is growing once again and we are finding lots of guidance and comfort through weekly sermons, faithful friends and family and daily readings we do together. We're trying very hard to write a new story by focusing on our own character, tending to the relationships that are the most important to us and living a life of service to others. We're no longer looking back, but rather have our eyes wide open, always watching for the signposts that lead us forward on our journey to a meaningful and joyful life.
My dad, while still very much grieving, is moving forward as well. He is busy with projects at home and in the community. He also has plans to travel to Europe once again. He traveled there extensively with my Mom and looks forward to revisiting places that he discovered with her. The boys and I spend a lot of time with him and we're closer than we've ever been.
I'm facing the reality the my marriage was basically a fraud. I never really knew my xh even after 23 years together. I thought we were close, loved each other deeply, enjoyed each others company and cherished our family. It was all a lie. Somehow I convinced myself that the good times defined our whole marriage. I was in complete denial for a long time. Now I understand why I had periodic nightmares regarding xh and our marriage. I had repressed feelings of despair and regret over having married him. It's so hard to admit that. I wanted it all to be different, especially for my boys.
It's amazing that I tried so hard to save a marriage that was detrimental to me and my boys. My denial and co-dependency kept me from seeing that I was better off with xh gone. I had what I can only classify as a complete breakdown. I don't know how I functioned through the first year post BD. It's been a very hard road to recovery, but necessary. I've changed and am slowly reclaiming the parts of myself that I denied for so long. Life is good again.
golf mom, I am glad you posted. I am that person that needs to read this... I have been one to think "not my h".
I know I have been avoiding... thinking "surely my h will do the right thing"
I have photocopied tax docs and credit card statements. Think h has another cc that he uses to hide A. Presently(joint cc) statements still come to the house. H travels for his job. gets hotel/dinners reimbursed. he turns in receipts. He pays out of our joint, but where does the $go that gets reimbursed. I am a big dummy for not asking. WHY?? because I am afraid too. I am waiting on h to turn around and do the right thing. even as I say it I hear how stupid I sound.
I am still dealing with the FEAR of being alone, having to work, pay bills on my own.( I have been a stay at home for 20 years)
Just as I want h to wake up. I need to wake up too!!! I know.pretending is not going to make it go away.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Bea, thank you so much for your kind words. I have been inspired by you as well and always look for your thread or posts you've made to others. The honesty that you've shared has helped me a great deal. This is a tough journey, but none of us are alone.
wbw, I understand the stage you're in. When I came here I was broken and in complete denial. I couldn't fathom that my then h would hurt me or our kids, but he did. I wish I could sit with you and give you a hug and encouragement. This is really hard. Regardless of the circumstances, ending a marriage is very painful.
You're on the right path to protecting yourself. Copy everything you can find including all communications between you and your h. Familiarize yourself with the main family law codes in your state. Keep notes and create a timeline. I hope you never need any of it.
wbw, you will be ok and life will be good again. I can remember the times I was literally on the floor in tears and completely despondent. I've recovered and am forever changed, in many good ways, after what I've been through.
