Ok well H called again today. His first question to me was did I still want to go through with the divorce? If I did he would have to file soon. The whole atmosphere of the conversation seemed to be he was already set on filing. However, we did follow up with some light banter. I was a bit bitter sounding in the beginning but I had to remember to leave it alone. I'm pretty sure I already screwed up because when he asked me if I wanted to still divorce I just froze. I said "If that's what you want."
....right after the phone convo I realized that's exactly what I wasn't supposed to say. So I did text him immediately afterwards: I don't want the divorce, but I understand why you do. I don't know if that was the right thing to say, but it seemed better than to just let him think I wanted one. No response yet. I'm still shaking. I feel like I've screwed up all my chances. But other times, I feel like he was set on his decision no matter what I said. I don't know. I feel like he's not going to call again after the divorce is filed. When is it time for me to give up? To move on with my life? Yes, I still want this marriage more than anything. But, not to the extent that I'm giving myself false hope. I really could use some advice.
