scared, confused, hopeful...

[juliegayle]

I think I did a pretty good job of detaching last night. H asked me to play chess and then we sat and watched Walking Dead. No personal conversation and he disappeared at every commercial but I didn't ask what he was doing.

After he was back sitting in car in driveway texting OW. I am guessing this is what he was doing but I didn't go out to see. For the first time in weeks I fell asleep without listening for when he came in.

This morning he was back in car texting at crack of dawn. I had to remind him to go say goodbye to son before he left for work.
He used to be so devoted to him and I am starting to see a distance. In a few weeks S is in school play. That same day he has a dr. appt with a specialist we have been waiting over a year to see. H told me he couldn't ask off work for either even with a month notice.

This can't just be about OW or his feelings about me?

[JuneReN]

Unfortunately a lot of times, when the S needs to separate from you he or she feels the need to separate from the kids as well. It is a very common move especially with the WAH.

I have two theories here:
1) that the kids are part and parcel of you and the marriage, so they distance themselves from that as well. Just so you don't get any ideas about having a happy family, he is done, remember? And often that includes being a father, at least for a while.
2) that some WAS cannot deal with any emotional connection other than the one they have forged with OW ( she is new and understands him like you, most obviously, don't you know, never did.) and himself. The connection at this point feels very very real and powerful (affair fog), but doesn't last once the everyday intrudes.

GAL, like lovethehub said. Space and time for your H.

180 your reactions and actions.

I pretended I was a single mom. That way I let go of the expectations I would have for H as father..

[juliegayle]

Thank you. I definitely have felt like a single mom with a boarder living in my house. He is obviously not my partner but can't call him roommate either as he now does nothing around house.

I am doing a fair job with 180ing my reactions. I would give myself a B- at this point.

GAL is harder and I am really impressed with some of the success I have seen with folks on this board.

I have used sons behavior for years as an excuse why I couldn't get out and do things. That and my work schedule. I am planning to start exercising again. I stopped when this all started because it was something H and I did together. I also started an online writing course.

[JuneReN]

So? You start exercising. Alone. Two things happen here:

The endorphins help to stop the hamsters running on the wheel in your head

You begin to look really REALLY good.

I say sign up for your local gym. Take a class once a week in something you have always wanted to do. Let H know you will be away that evening. Ask if he would like to watch his son or do you need to get a sitter? Do your son's special needs allow for a garden variety sitter or do you need respite?

Either way, it's time to make a little time for you

[juliegayle]

I feel like such an idiot. I thought I saw a few baby steps today and was feeling a little hopeful. He called me at work this afternoon to ask me something about son. It really wasn't important and could have waited. This was the first time he has initiated contact during the day in weeks. Then he called again to say he was picking up food and did I want anything.

I got home tonight and noticed that my jewelry box was open and when I checked his wedding ring was gone. (He has arthritis and wore his ring on a leather strap around his neck. In late sept I found it in the bathroom with the strap ripped. At the time I assumed he had ripped it off on purpose. I told him I had it and that I was keeping it safe in case he ever wanted to wear it again)

So I ask him why he took his ring and he gets all defensive- what was I doing with it anyway and its his and he can do whatever he wants and then just stares me down like he is waiting for a fight. I said "you are right its yours" he got pissed and hid out in basement.

Just now he came up and said he was going for a ride. I asked him where and he said he was going to drive. This was his pattern. He would pick a fight with me and then storm out for a "drive" I had circumstantial evidence he was going to see OW.

Well I have been working hard in not reacting in the moment so we haven't had any fights in the last 2 weeks. As a result he has stayed here every night. Not with me but here

And now this. I am so hurt. Does this have anything to do with ring?

Last tine he went for a drive I called and texted a million times. I definitely will not do that even though I an concerned since he has had a drink.

[juliegayle]

Mental to do

Don't call or text to see where he is and when home - check

Dont wait up - check

Don't ask about it in morning- check

Don't ask about ring- FAIL

Don't dwell on images of what he was doing last night - FAIL

[juliegayle]

Ok so this has now become the place I come to try to rid my head of the thoughts about my husband so I can try to focus. I am trying to do a complete 180 if the way I behaved when I first started suspecting A. I snooped, constantly asked what he was doing where he was who he was talking to texting etc..

Obviously this was a disaster. He shut me out completely and I was so focused on OW I couldn't function.

So now I don't ask anything. I understand this is taking the pressure off him. But. . Aren't I also opening the door for hin to develop a deeper connection with OW?

[melissag]

Mental to do

Don't call or text to see where he is and when home - check

Dont wait up - check

Don't ask about it in morning- check

Don't ask about ring- FAIL

Don't dwell on images of what he was doing last night - FAIL

Well, 3 out of 5 ain't bad. It takes a little while to catch yourself every time, but you will get there. I would add that you should not ask your H where he is going, and then when he goes, do not call, text, etc. Be gone or asleep or otherwise busy when he gets home.

You figured out that asking about the ring was a bad idea. So now you know to drop that. You are still probably in the stage where you should read the 37 rules at least once a day if not more, until they are ingrained in your head.

Do NOT imagine what H was doing last night, or any day, or any night. This is what gets me, too. It is one of the worst things you do to yourself. It keeps you stuck, and it drives you crazy. And you are almost certainly wrong. I spent the week after H moved out imagining that he was feeling all awesome in his new apartment and having a great time and going out and life was grand. Until he told me that he had pretty much just gone to work and the gym, done a lot of crossword puzzles, and done a lot of journaling (!!).

I'm not saying that you will always be wrong, or that your H probably went to church while he was gone, but it doesn't matter. There is NO POINT in torturing yourself like that. Focus on you, and what YOU did when he was gone. If what you did was sit around imagining what he did, how does that make you feel about yourself? Did it help you?

Hang in there, you are doing a good job, just keep reading and posting!

[AnotherStander]

So now I don't ask anything. I understand this is taking the pressure off him. But. . Aren't I also opening the door for hin to develop a deeper connection with OW?

Ironically it's usually the opposite that does that. If you are constantly berating him for his affair and you get others to do the same (family, friends, pastor, etc.) then it drives him closer to OW and they feel like it's them against the world.

[juliegayle]

Ok reread 37 rules and will make part of my morning routine for a while.

So now I don't ask anything. I understand this is taking the pressure off him. But. . Aren't I also opening the door for hin to develop a deeper connection with OW?

Ironically it's usually the opposite that does that. If you are constantly berating him for his affair and you get others to do the same (family, friends, pastor, etc.) then it drives him closer to OW and they feel like it's them against the world.

It just feels like I am saying "have at it and have fun with her." Rationally I get what you are saying is true. My FIL asked what was going on. I didn't give any details but he is a smart man and has eyes. He told me the " if you love someone set them free" quote.