Seperation VS Divorce

[peaceSJ]

I don't think it is true. He is never a very romantic person since we met each other almost twenty years ago. Or He wanted other person to be romantic or show passion to him, but at least he didn't know how to do these kind of things to others. But just suddenly starting from early this year, he claimed there is no panssion in our R because he dreamed about some fantasy/wild things, like traveling to some remote and unsecured countries or doing some adventures. But I cannot do that together with him, especially we have two young kids need to be taken care. Then he claimed we both have different interests, never fit with each other. So I replied nobody in the world are the same, if you want your wife exactly the same person as you, then you must have read too much novel :-(

[lovethehub]

I am sorry you felt xxxx, I made a mistake and I did not understand xxx. I can see how you felt that I didn't xxxx

[MrBond]

"So I replied nobody in the world are the same, if you want your wife exactly the same person as you, then you must have read too much novel :-("

Bad thing to say. I don't think you understood what he was saying. He didnt' say that he wanted you to be exactly the same as him. He essentially wanted some excitement in the M. Did you ever try making the M exciting? I understand that you have kids, but that should not have stopped you from doing exciting things together one on one.

Did you put the kids as the first priority and just do things with the kids mostly?

[lovethehub]

Sorry, I didn't see your response to Bond until after I replied..

I don't think it is true. He is never a very romantic person since we met each other almost twenty years ago. Or He wanted other person to be romantic or show passion to him, but at least he didn't know how to do these kind of things to others. But just suddenly starting from early this year, he claimed there is no panssion in our R because he dreamed about some fantasy/wild things, like traveling to some remote and unsecured countries or doing some adventures.

That is your perspective, just remember, that doesn't make it H's. Romance and passion aren't always the same thing. If he 'wanted the other person to, and then suddenly started claiming there was no passion' it sounds like that was his way of telling you what he needed from you. The idea of DB isn't always agreeing, it is learning to understand that, even in the same M, we don't have the same experience of our M; it is learning to hear what the other person says, validate their feeling and let them know you understand and you are sorry you made them feel that way. There may be things that you never agree about but that doesn't prevent you from understanding why H may have felt that way.

But I cannot do that together with him, especially we have two young kids need to be taken care.

You may not be able to go at the drop of hat but having children should not prevent you from spending some time with your h if you can afford to get away and have someone trustworthy to care for them. When my children were 9 months and 5 yrs old I earned a trip to Hawaii. H and I went for 9 days while my SIL took care of the kids. It was hard to be away that long but it was well worth it. The children survived, too!

So I replied nobody in the world are the same, if you want your wife exactly the same person as you, then you must have read too much novel :-(

Your H is trying to tell you how he felt. While he may not be doing it in the best way, it will not help your situation to turn his words around on him. Next time, try to understand what he is saying and then let him know you understand and you are sorry.

[peaceSJ]

Thank you again for your inputs, Mr. Bond and Lovethehub.

I have another question here. H has rented an apartment and is moving out. He refused to tell me the address of his apartment, but took one of our kid there yesterday afternoon. And also he told the kids he will let them sleep there every Thursday night. I was very disappointed because he didn't discuss the schedule with me in advance and I even didn't where the apartment is. Does he have the right do such thing?

Thank you,

[MrBond]

"Does he have the right do such thing?"

No. Tell him for the safety of the kids he has to give you the address so you can check it out on their behalf. If not, then get legal counsel.

[lovethehub]

Exactly, you have the right to have the address of where your children are is Thursday night a problem for you? If so, tell h you need to discuss the schedule. If not, tell h you are glad he wants to see the children and just ask that, I the future, you discuss these issues before he tells the children.

[peaceSJ]

The apartment is about 20-30 minutes drive from the school; If the kids sleep there, they'll rush in the morning.

Also my older son does not want to go the apartment and he does not want his brother and dad sleep there either. So H told him that daddy will still come back home every day after work and stay there until they go to bed.

Last night was the first night H didn't sleep at home. This morning when the kids wake up and didn't see their daddy, both of them cried.

It is really hard to explain the situation to them. Right now H just told them daddy is busy at work so he cannot sleep at home. I don't know if this is a good excuse for kids, but I can feel this didn't convince my older son.

My older son also knew dad will be gone for two weeks during thanksgiving. H lied to him and said he will go buisness travel. But my son doesn't beleive him and is very disappointed and upset.

[peaceSJ]

It is so hard for me to explain to our two little kids why daddy will not stay with them even on Holidays. Should I lie to them as well? I think H is so irresponsible.

[peaceSJ]

It was so funny. H moved out for three days now, but still he ate breakfast and dinner at home. My friends told me not to cook for him. So yesterday morning I didn't cook for his portion, but he got home and ate my breakfast even without asking. Since no school yesterday, so he just left for work after breakfast. Last night H got home around 9:30 and stayed in my older son's room for ten minutes until he fell into sleep. Then he went to kitchen and ate dinner and left.
I don't mind cooking for him, but did I make his life too easy? If he chooses to be single parent, should he be responsible for his portion?