GUILT IS IT A GOOD SIGN?

[reachingHigher]

Well....I knew I would NEVER be one of the ones to file. Never.

But ya know...life sometimes deals you unexpected things.

Here is what I felt:

I was his help-meet.

When he wanted to move out, I agreed and supported his decision.

When he signed a year's lease on his apartment, after four months in a executive furnished apartment, I let him take whatever furnishings he needed from the house.

When he wanted a D, with Chuck's (DB coach) concurrence, I supported him.

It was a "we" thing.
But I explained to H our lives were dividing no matter how much he didn't want them to.

The way the L explained it to me, and maybe it was a bunch of b.s., idk, but if I filed I had more chance of getting more money (I don't work outside the home) for me and the boys. The L said that was better than responding to a low ball offer, as it were.

And H and I agreed outside the L's office, I took half of everything. It still wasn't fair (me and the boys on half his salary and him alone on half) but I would have a decent life for five years till our younger son turned 18.

Thus I filed.

I didn't have the heart pounding. Just an overwhelming feeling of sadness and unreality. I just felt it was a new chapter in my life and one day I would be able to stop crying and hold my head high.

And...honestly, since H was pushing so hard for it....he had seen like 3 L's, I think, I was ready to get it over with. I could've lived with limbo for longer but I felt like you wanna D? Okay. We will do it.

Chuck emphasized its not the same in every sitch. My H was paying a LOT of attention to me. We had lots of text fests and when I cut off ML in October 1 of 2012, it seemed like he chased me continually.

But remember, he was DONE in 2008 (my tag line). He said to me over and over four years of misery is enuf! Let us both get on with our lives.

He surrounded himself with beautiful women during replay. But his soul was empty. He was ready for healing. He just thought he was ready for D.

And...he had been "on the fence" for a full year with wanting to run from the M. I still can't believe what happened with us.
It's truly a miracle.

I do wonder what is down the road for you all.
It's so important to take care of yourself.
Follow your gut feeling.
Listen to a DB coach if you can afford even one session.
And the old....know you'll be okay....cause you will!!