Sounds like your therapy went well tiger. And I think believe it or not, you gave your H a lot to think about. Men need to absorb bits of info and then sit on it before they can speak about it.
I think it was a positive that he actually asked about it. To me it seems like you say the right thing at the right time. I'm sure it doesn't feel like that, but you gave him lots of info on how you were processing and potentially moving on without him in a calm and softer way.
My coach said I need to do this too, I just can seem to form rational thoughts around him lately.
Good job le tigre!!!
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Sounds like your therapy went well tiger. And I think believe it or not, you gave your H a lot to think about. Men need to absorb bits of info and then sit on it before they can speak about it.
I think it was a positive that he actually asked about it. To me it seems like you say the right thing at the right time. My coach said I need to do this too, I just can seem to form rational thoughts around him lately.
Good job le tigre!!!
Thanks Pud. I thought it was positive that he asked about it too, but also thought it was SO funny he didn't seem to want to say the word therapy! I was wondering if it was okay to say these things or if I should be more private about it. El Tigre! I like it. Rowr.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
Tigerlily - If you would only get $560 a month in child support, how much does your almost-H make?
We aren't actually married and our state doesn't recognize common law marriages formed after a certain date (like 1992) so I would only get child support, no alimony. He would also get some minor discount because he would likely be covering our son with his health insurance. He makes around $3800 a month. He has considerable college debt owed and some back taxes to pay as well. We honestly could have really used me getting a REAL job years ago, but the driving/not driving situation made that very difficult.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
I'm surprised, if he makes $3800 a month, that he'd only have to pay that much. I know different states have different formulas, but that's less than 20% of his income - seems pretty paltry.
Nonetheless - it seems clear that you will need to find an income, and find a way to work while still being able to give your son the attention and help he needs. Also, it may well benefit you to file for child support while you still don't have an income. For now, if he's paying the bills, I'd go along; but start planning AS IF he's going to flake on you, because he very well may.
He probably didn't want to have to admit he knew what the word was, or he would have to admit that it could actually help someone...especially someone like, say...who had a lot of problems...like, say...hmmmmm....himself????
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Btw - if he moved out, would you qualify for welfare, food stamps, any other kind of government support? Not suggesting this for a long-term plan, but in the short term, you may need those kinds of help until you can get a job that will support you and your child.
You might find that you are better off financially, with court-ordered child support and welfare benefits, than you are with unreliable dribs and drabs from him.
Oh I didn't even notice I mixed up the letters. I read it as "El Tigre" ... I think that used to be a character on that kid's cartoon about Mexican Masked Wrestling. (That I even know these things is rather silly). KML: You may be right about the welfare thing, but I live in a Southern State, so it might surprise you how crappy the social welfare programs are and the child support formula.
Tonight I overstepped the bounds of good DB'ing. I asked a few direct questions even though I didn't expect to get any answers. I just wanted him to THINK. (I know, probably dreaming the impossible dream on that one). I think therapy made me a little feisty.
#1. How long do you think is reasonable for you to expect me to wait for you to sort things out and try on this new relationship... 6 months? A year? Have you thought about that at all? He says, "I don't know. You are right that I haven't thought about it yet."
#2. Do you still really feel like you want me to wait on you or are you feeling like I should begin to move on?
He says, "I want you to wait, but I don't expect you to. I know it isn't fair for me to expect you to."
3. I feel like right now you are exerting control over me with the car and the money situation. I don't think that is fair, since you are the one who decided I am no longer your significant other. He says "I just don't want you to do anything crazy with the money." I say, "Like what? Run off and spend your whole paycheck? What would that actually get me? It makes no sense. I could run off with your money ONCE and that would be it, we'd be done. And you know right now that is not what I want, so that doesn't make any sense. If anything maybe you should take out cash and give to me to budget then. That is a lot different and more respectful than insisting on coming with me to go buy milk or pick up a prescription. I have not done anything to earn this level of distrust.
#3. I feel like right now you have this image of me in your mind that is the composite of every mistake I have made, every bad thing I have done, every bad thing you are even afraid I *might* do and that version of me is what you are holding up in comparison against OW. It's this worst impression of me versus the current and evolving impression of her... do you see how that would make me feel powerless or hopeless? Put yourself in my shoes for a minute and think about how that would make you feel. ... He says, "I don't think that is the case at all. I am still open to seeing you in a positive way, I just can't handle these kinds of emotional, confrontational discussions... I already feel guilty you don't need to keep rubbing it in. I just need you to be chill."
#4: Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe you are expecting a little too much of me? I am trying to get more chill, but the only way to get there is for me to work through the emotions I am going through. I don't get to just shut them off and I don't have the luxury of a new relationship and escaping to go do fun things to distract me from feeling the things I am feeling. I didn't get to make this choice, so it is taking me some time to come to terms with the changes. Change is a lot easier when you are involved in making the decisions. I am very open to changes when I get to be involved in deciding the changes.
He says: "Just because we have been together for 16 years doesn't mean we belong together. We are comfortable with each other because we have been together a long time, but that isn't everything."
I replied: A lot of relationships are less than perfect, but they are still worthwhile and good. Most relationships can be improved upon, but it is up to the people involved to decide if they are willing to do the work and to try. I know you don't want to try now, but if we ever get back together that's what it will take. And since you don't want to work on this relationship it does often make me wonder why you aren't eager to just pack up and move in with OW. What do you get out of spending time here? A room of your own to hang out in, high speed internet, a few lunches and dinners, someone to do your laundry? If personal comfort and convenience is the only reason you still come back here, then I don't think you should be doing it. He says: "Those aren't the only reasons."
I say, "well that is the impression I am getting from your actions. If you have other reasons I would be really interested to hear them."
He says, "I don't think I even know all the reasons. I just know I am not ready to move on all the way right now."
#4. Ok, well that is understandable. I appreciate the honesty. I think you should give some real thought to why you want me to wait.
He says, "I will think about that. I am going to head out now, but I will see you in the morning."
Okay, now you can all jab me with sharp sticks and flog me with wet noodles.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
Oh, somewhere near the end he also made a comment about how he thought "this conversation should be done, because I don't need to stay here and let you attack me."
Hmm? What?! Apparently asking intelligent questions that even infer he might be making a mistake or a bad decision or that he is just being selfish is an "attack."
Seriously? I didn't call him any names. I didn't raise my voice. I may have gotten borderline teary at a few junctures, and I didn't even call his whore a whore this time.
Someone else tell me. Did I actually attack him? Or did I simply make him think about some crap he really doesn't want to think about? [b][/b]
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
