Sorry - he wants to talk to you more AND he just watched a civil war movie.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Two score and eight months ago...there was a Rebel soldier who crashed through a Union...
You guys are too funny! And yes, Bea, the "dialogue" is so strange and stranger. And since I can't make fun of it with him, I get to report it here! Rosa (welcome back!), isn't that the joke about the British - understatement is the only way to say things? Hope you came up with some good ones while you were there. My favourite is still the "I am not abandoning you, I am changing the relationship." It wasn't too funny then, but I have to smile now. Because not only do they have themselves convinced, they seem (for a time) to convince us they are right.
Like the GF wanting us to be friends. Logically, I have to agree that she would not want me around, but likely wanted to meet me for her own reasons. He was likely dreaming of a happy threesome. He may be still. But that is my line. If he is still with GF, contact between us will be over. I do wonder though if they are over, or she is on her way out.
Pud, thank you for your thoughts. It has been a hard year, but I am still breathing. Sometimes I think we don't know what a hard time we have keeping afloat until someone says: wow, you have a lot going on. And you realize that you only told them half. True story!
Rosa, I am trying not to make a decision now about whether or not I could forgive him or what it would take if he showed any hint of wanting to reconcile. At this moment, I feel like I would need quite a bit but maybe, in the end, it will come more naturally.
One of the reasons that I don't want to make a fuss so early in the game is that I don't want to make it impossible for him to feel he can reconnect. But beyond this very fragile truce we seem to have right now, there really is nothing to indicate that he is making any steps that would help me to trust him again. Because I do not trust him now. For whatever reason or reasons, I got caught in the middle of something and got used and abused. He'll need to understand that I need time to heal or I may not heal at all to ever be friends or more.
Bright, I am not the only one going through challenging times with family. I know you are, too. When you describe your struggles, you could be writing for me. All of the little things stopped, the small things. That was my first clue that something was wrong. Not BD wrong (never predicted that one!) but something was off. No compliments, missed phone calls, things like that.
Another was the use of my gas points card. He never had one but always gave the attendant my number so I could earn award points. After BD, especially after it got serious with GF, he never used it, so I had no points from him during that time. I just got my statement today. And for the first time in months and months, he has taken to giving my number again, there it was in black and white, two whole points on two different days. Who knew gas points could be a clue?
And an update: Today was his birthday. I sent him a birthday text that basically said Happy Birthday and don't talk to someone unless they wish you HBD first. Got a response right away that said thanks and loved the message. And, asked me if I was OK and said he was up for talking whenever I had time/was ready. A long while later, I replied with I am putting one foot in front of the other and trying to avoid the gum. Asked him if he was going out celebrating (yes, I am being nosy!) and said he could try calling whenever.
No response yet, but that is OK. I really can only handle this in bite-sized chunks anyway!
Being here feels strange. I really was ready to move on and had accepted that he was out of my life. Now, he wants back in it but I am not sure. I am going very slowly because now it is me that is not sure what I want. How strange is that? If he had called and texted like this at the beginning of this year, I would have been over the moon. Now, I am grounded.
Portia - these are strange men. My xh is now a strange mixture of being nice and mean. I recently got a message to tell me he hoped I wasn't taking a long drive north in heavy rain. WTF? (I had mentioned that I was driving back to spend time with family , and he got the times wrong, which I admit to being vague about Unless he doesn't want me to get killed or injured while he thinks I still owe him money! LOL)
He wants to play happy families with OW2 and me and the kids. Ummm not really my scene.
They never really go away - well most of them. They go for months at a time, and then they come back and some of them reconnect, and others just mess with our heads. But it is all unfinished business.
Yes, I am learning that. Since he basically disappeared for eight months, I thought he was gone, gone. And I found that I was OK. I found strength in learning that a few small kibbles thrown my way were not worth the hassle.
And then he just reappeared - with determination!
Not only did I get a reply to my text later last evening, but it appears that he tried to call me as well. It was his BDay, so I can see him being a little antsy, especially since it does not appear that he had plans (or so he said). If GF is around, doesn't sound like a great celebration. I always made a big deal out of birthdays. Last year nearing the time when we were truly winding down, I refused.
For me, I am at the beginning but with far less desperation and emotion. Even after realizing he called, I didn't really feel anything. So there is another truth, the MLCer does start looking back toward the LBS when the LBS lets go.
This first conversation, whenever that happens is going to be darn awkward. I don't (for my sake) want it to turn into a rag session but it will be even stranger to pretend that everything is fine and that it hasn't been eight months since we last spoke. I wonder who will bring up the GF first?
I am in such a different place. I now am sure of what I want and need in a life-partner. And I am positive of the lifestyle that I want to live. If this journey forces a person to take some time and truly discover what it is that YOU want, it has done that for me. Are there things I need to work on, yes. But my core is the same as it ever was. Had this ended quickly, we me agreeing (had he asked) to live the white picket fence life, I likely would have been the one bolting or unhappy.
Wow, you've had a lot of "movement". Glad you're getting some points outta this too:)
I'm like you.....not sure what I'd do if H tried to come home (although, there has been NO movement that way by him) I wonder. I'm completely different and wonder if he wasn't telling me the truth he said that he could never be the man I needed. No A but abandonment of me and the boys has me very upset.
Seeing this I wonder if my H will just turn up again and how would I handle it. I'm glad you asked him for space, if that's what you need to you need it, but, I do get the not wanting to be mean.....it just means you're a kind individual with a loving heart. It's good to be like that (as long as you don't allow it to get trampled)
You're so strong and I hope to gain some strength from you
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
I'm catching up with you here. Wow, he seems determined to talk to you. Chances are pretty slim that he's still deep into it with the ow if at all. They seem to get bored when things settle in to the mundane, day to day "relationship" and they realize that the "fix" wasn't the pot of gold that they thought it would be. So they keep searching. That's more than likely where he is right now.
If he hasn't already he'll call. There must be something on his mind. Whether it's an apology or ???? it seems important for him to talk to you rather than just text.
I'm with you, wide open spaces and off the beaten path are more exciting than the white picket fence life.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Portia, Many MLCers sense when we are pulling away and getting on w/our lives. Like the toddler learning to walk, when mommy or daddy are not in view, they panic and begin to cry. Your man is sensing that you are pulling away more and more each day and he needs to know that you are right where he left you.
As for the ow, it doesn't matter whether things have settled down or not into a routine, the MLCer still wants/needs to know in some way that you are still out there waiting for them, to be their last string to the apron that is unraveling at the hem.
You'll know when you are ready to have a chat w/him, but don't allow him to push you into doing so until you are ready. You ultimately are the only one that can make the decision as to where you want to go w/your life and if he wants to return to the relationship, again, you are the one that has the final say in whether or not it's a go.
On another subject...how is your father doing? Are you doing okay? How is the kitty?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
i know what you mean- what the heck DO we feel for them now, after allllll this. after they hve felt free to dump on us for sooooo long with complete disregard for our humanity, feelings, humanness??? i'm not so sure myself .
i'd say i don't want to not care at all about him- and i don't want to LOOOOOVE him anymore. too much dishonesty and how the heck do you feel that kidn of love, when thre's no belief in them, their words, their intrinsic "goodness" (for want of a better way to put it.
idk- i'm just still sticking with "i'm okay rite now and nothing bad is happing" - staying in the moment- not rehashing past if i possibly can do it- and nary a plan or thought for what the gfuture holds.
i really don't have any expectations - except bad things.
isn't that the tragedy? h used to be a person who made me feel happy- now if he's nice i think he's got something rotten in th offing- and that is THE ONLEY reason he's ever nice (guilt).
and he hasn't been ratty lately- that makes me suspicious too.
oh man- from trusting as a rock to none at all-
hope i even out. interested to hear your comments-
I cannot tell you how nice it was to find your posts here.
Life is moving quickly as it always seems to do this time of the year. This year even more so. Kitty is spoiled and she is OK with that and dad's appointments continue. Couple more things to try. I am hoping they will work.
Not much time left over for other things but for now I have been putting my nose to the grindstone and getting things done.
Skippy - I have decided to name xSO since WR has Buttercup, Rosa has RT and Job has Rip, I am going with Skippy - called tonight. I thought I was ready but maybe not quite.
We chatted for about 45 minutes. I made sure to participate in the convo but generally he had to lead.
I learned that he actually moved twice in the last eight months. Once into the bottom half of a house at the beginning of July and the latest move in October. His land line has been out of commission since then. I had no idea about the move. Overlaying that experience, I had actually texted in mid-June and got a short shrift answer. No clue that he was preparing to move.
He said something garbled while telling me this that "his relationship did not work out". I asked no questions but his second move appeared to be tied to the break up. The same time he started contacting me again. I did not ask for any details about said break up. Or was it clear if they moved in together.
All I truly heard was that he moved last July and could not be bothered to tell me and now that GF is gone, he decides to contact me.
So NLT you are right. He is still searching. And job, as always you are right, he just keeps looking back to see if I am there. Skippy never gave any hint that he understood what he was saying could hurt me. Or did hurt me.
He said he was still in therapy. Good. He needs it although I don't have a great deal of faith in this therapist/counsellor. After all he has been seeing her all year.
I was not expecting to feel my heart squeeze again nor expected how he was once again able to hurt me. That while I knew in my heart he was over me, to learn it for a fact is hard. Wow, July.
Job, I don't know if choice is the right word. I will need to see true remorse if he is to come back in my life. Even with therapy I doubt he is capable. When I finally said it was time for me to go, he invited me to call anytime. I only responded that I am not often home. Which is the absolute truth. But the other truth is I am still very angry at him and worse, still so hurt by his maltreatment of me. He said it was good to hear my voice. I did not answer any of those comments. He said all of those things and more as he cheated on me. Meaningless words.
I am no one's consolation prize.
Nero, you are an amazingly insightful woman. No expectations except bad ones. Going from full trust to absolutely none at all. Skippy said he was driving home from his mother's when he called. Again how clueless!! That used to be code for coming from or going to GF's house. How trusting I was. Here is is talking to me outside her house and I just believed him.
I will not call or text him again. And maybe he got his fix so he will leave me alone. I don't know what to think but my heart is a bit bruised right now. Glad I don't have to make any decisions right now.
I will feel better tomorrow. Thanks for "listening".
Unless he doesn't want me to get killed or injured while he thinks I still owe him money! LOL)