New to the board, fairly newly LBS from MLC.

[tigerlily78]

Well, I had my first therapy session today. All in all I think it went well. She is fully familiar with the DB'ing strategy, but she is on the same page as far as GALing, 180ing, and putting my goals in alignment for working through this situation with or without him in the future. That I am going to have to come to terms with whether or not I believe he is capable of being the type of partner I need after all this is over.

She really did lay it out there for me that I have been carrying more of my weight in this relationship for quite awhile both in terms of household stuff and emotionally. She says it's still okay for me to be angry and sad and to let that stuff out when I need to, how that affects H is his own problem to deal with. She thinks it is still pretty early on for me to try and kid myself about real detachment... that is is a long process I am going to have to work on a little at a time.

She also said that she can see I am clearly not ready to tell him to pack his crap and leave, that instead she sees the importance of me instead attempting to work WITH him to put steps in place to allow me to be more financially independent. This also puts it back on him a little to help sort out the consequences of his decision to put us in this position. She thinks getting a second car is something we should not put off if we can help it, and that it is important for me to have the opportunity to have a real, adult job that can pay some bills not a kiddie job that is more for show and gumption than anything else. I can agree with that, but we also should have had our roof replaced like 6 months ago, so it is not like the money for a second car is already just sitting there to be spent. I guess I have to frame it as a tool that gives us BOTH more freedom, and isn't that what he wants? (just not if he has to pay for it maybe. :P )

We of course touched on my emotional background and why I am predisposed toward meeting other people's needs and fixing their problems to the detriment of neglect of my own. So yes, if he is ever going to come back into this relationship I am going to have to defend my right to have my own needs met in a more consistent way. And of course that although I am not perfect, I really have gone above and beyond in this relationship in a lot of ways, I cannot blame myself for his decision.

Of course also delved into his past some, therapist said she would have to agree that therapy earlier in life might have been very helpful to him... that he seems like he has always been guarded and less emotionally available than is possible for a man to be.

She said not to feel like I need to rush to make decisions or take actions, I am still processing emotions and grief in particular so it's okay to take some time for me and the most important thing is to get a better handle on WHO I am and what I want and then lay out my ground work to get there. That right now he seems very content with having a foot in both worlds, so I don't need to feel pressure to do anything to

I came home and did some stuff on the computer and then went to lay on the bed for awhile and pet my cat and reflect on my session. H comes in and asks if we have Boy Scouts tonight. (yes). "So how did your thing go?," he asks. I ask what thing he is talking about. "Your appointment or whatever it was." (there is a post-it note on his wall that says 1pm - therapy and I had to ask him Friday if I could take this appointment that came up from a cancellation). He KNOWS it was therapy, is he immune to using the word?

I said it went okay, that I have a lot of things to think about. He wanted to know what kind of things. I said, "Like whether or not I think you are capable of being or becoming the sort of partner in life that I want." *crickets* I also explained how she said I need to keep processing my emotions and get myself to a place where I can make decisions for my own well being that are independent of whether or not he decides to come back to me." At this point I accidentally swiped my contact lense out of my eye with the back of my hand and I asked him to turn on the light and see if he could help me find it. He looked in my eyes and all over me and didn't see it. I finally found it on the edge of the sheet. Oh what crummy timing.

I mentioned she also thought getting a second car is something we should prioritize for both our sakes. He said OH well he'd have to think about it. So was money and moving forward ALL we talked about? (nope, we talked about a lot of other stuff too). But at this point he said didn't want to talk any more about it right now, he was starting to feel stressed and would rather talk about it more tomorrow. I said that was fine, I wasn't sure I was ready to talk about it yet either.

So, I let it end at that. Such a weird conversation.