She's manipulating you, don't misread it. When she moved out she got the space she wanted, which was a relief and made things easier on her on one hand, but on the other hand it's stepping off a cliff and feels scary. If she can ensure you stay on the shelf as her insurance policy, then the first step out of the house is less scary because she feels she can return at any time and you will welcome her with open arms.
It's easier for her to be nice to you now, because she can leave at any time without expectations for the niceness to continue, and she can do what she wants when you're not there, without feeling like you're looking over her shoulder.
If you want to leave the door open to reconcile, it's important to continue to be pleasant, but also to pull back and become less available, particularly emotionally. I would think twice about accepting dinner invitations. You need to mind-shift that having her return to the marriage will not be victory for you, and it shouldn't be a foregone conclusion that she can do so if that's what she chooses.
You were the resolute partner, you didn't violate your vows, you are the prize to be won. If she wants you back down the line, she's going to have to earn it. You need to communicate that by establishing your value and not being available to someone who is abusing your trust.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
If you want to leave the door open to reconcile, it's important to continue to be pleasant, but also to pull back and become less available, particularly emotionally. I would think twice about accepting dinner invitations. You need to mind-shift that having her return to the marriage will not be victory for you, and it shouldn't be a foregone conclusion that she can do so if that's what she chooses.
Acc
What is the victory, if not having her return to the marriage?
If questions do arise, how do i express that i'm not interested in our old marriage, but a new beginning?
I'm slowly getting the the point where i feel like i'm the "prize to be won", having worked my butt off doing 180's that i'm really happy about. But I just don't feel like i'm quite there yet.
I really appreciate the more experienced insights, it helps me see what i could be missing, and I thank you for pointing me in the right direction.
What is the victory, if not having her return to the marriage?
"Victory" is ending up in a relationship that you can relax in and feel happy and fulfilled, and deliver happiness and fulfillment to your partner, without anxiety or having to look over your shoulder, wondering who she's texting or who she's going out with. Feeling that your marriage is happy and affair proof. If she "returned to the marriage" tomorrow but continued to go out 4 nights a week without you, that is not the marriage you'd have, and therefore not a victory.
Originally Posted By: ccZ28
If questions do arise, how do i express that i'm not interested in our old marriage, but a new beginning?
Well, I don't know what kind of questions would arise. You establish this more with how you act than what you say. Talk is cheap. In short, you stop any type of pursuing behavior, you "drop the rope" and let her do what she will seemingly without worry, and you become a spouse only a fool would leave, a happy, fun person to be around.
Originally Posted By: ccZ28
I'm slowly getting the the point where i feel like i'm the "prize to be won", having worked my butt off doing 180's that i'm really happy about. But I just don't feel like i'm quite there yet.
You will get there. When they leave it hurts, and we equate their return with an end to the hurt, so we fixate on them and make them better than they are. Get some perspective, you are the better half of this equation right now. Act like it.
Do your thing. Get your Mojo back. If she wants to get back into your circle, she's really going to have to earn it. You'll be nice, you'll be friendly, but you are NOT her backstop, or her parachute, or her insurance policy. She should cry on someone else's shoulder, you are too busy having fun.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
My opinion is that the victory is for you to be happy and for you to continue to improve as a person and a man. I assume you believe that would be in an improved M but there is still a ton of work to get there. Just having her return without doing the work or you being an 'insurance policy' will not be victory for you.
Take this separation time for you as well. Start figuring out things for you.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
"You will get there. When they leave it hurts, and we equate their return with an end to the hurt, so we fixate on them and make them better than they are. Get some perspective, you are the better half of this equation right now. Act like it."
Thank you Acc. This is exactly where I am at right now. I do feel like her coming back would end the hurt. But you are right, if she came back, nothing would be fixed. No lessons would be learned.
Since she has moved out, do i stop doing her laundry? Do i completely stop doing things for her? For example, i was in the middle of re-modeling the downstairs, and most of it was her designs and plans. Do I continue? Do I change it?
Or do i just leave everything as is?
Going back to the laundry. If I decide to stop doing it, should she be "allowed" (I dont like this term) to come to our home and do it herself even though she is not currently living there? Or has she given up that right. I don't want to be harsh, but at the same time I don't want to make this separation easy on her. She chose to go, does she live with all consequences?
You need to start focusing on what you want. Do you want to finish re-modeling the basement? Forget about what you W wants for the moment. She is on her own journey. I started a few projects around the house to kill time and because I wanted to continue to take care of my home, regardless of whether H wanted to be there or not. I did not do it for H. I did it for myself. It helped to keep me busy. Another benefit is that the house is starting to feel like mine. For a while I never thought that I could stay if H left for good. But the kids and I have started to make our own memories.
I would stop doing her laundry. If she wants to live separately, she needs to figure out how to do things separately. You don't need to be mean. I have had a hard time with this because I tend to show my love through acts of service. I just had to establish a boundary with my H that he can no longer come and use our home like he still lives there. At first I was so desperate to have him home that I let him do what he pleased. But I realized that he was taking advantage of the situation.
Since she has moved out, do i stop doing her laundry?
Absolutely! If you wash even one more of her socks I will be angry! She's a big girl, she can do her own laundry.
Originally Posted By: ccZ28
Do i completely stop doing things for her? For example, i was in the middle of re-modeling the downstairs, and most of it was her designs and plans. Do I continue? Do I change it?
If it were me, I would put it on hold unless it's in a state where you can't live with it, in which case I would do the minimum to get it into a liveable state. I would not do anything "for" her right now. She wants her space, give it to her. No favors, no gifts, no acts of service.
Originally Posted By: ccZ28
Going back to the laundry. If I decide to stop doing it, should she be "allowed" (I dont like this term) to come to our home and do it herself even though she is not currently living there?
That's up to you. Most people feel better if they get some space from a cheating spouse, which is to say the less you see them, the better you will feel. Secondly, as you know, they can do a job on your mental state, so you often need some prep time before you deal with them so you don't slide into R talks or other non-DB behavior. Therefore, it's usually a good idea to protect yourself and establish some boundaries around surprise visits.
You are now living separate. You don't expect to just walk into her apartment and cook yourself dinner anytime you want, so she should not expect to just stop in and do laundry whenever she wants. I think you should establish a schedule of when you will see each other related to D, and at those times you will expect her. Outside of that, if she wants to come over, she should call first. If she doesn't respect that, then change the locks.
If her new place doesn't have a laundry, she should find a laundromat or send her laundry out to be done. If there are times when you are not home and you don't care if she uses the machines, then set some times when the machines are available and outside of that they are not.
Originally Posted By: ccZ28
I don't want to be harsh, but at the same time I don't want to make this separation easy on her. She chose to go, does she live with all consequences?
This isn't about punishing or enforcing consequences, its about protecting yourself emotionally and giving her the space she wants. Your prior marriage is over. It's done. The entitlements that went with it are also done. If they fire you at work, you don't keep showing up because it's become routine, your job there is over.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
W came over and watched our D while I went to the Gym and took care of some things. When i got home she had given D a bath, and had actually taken care of some laundry and things around the house. (highly unusual. she has not done basically any housework AT ALL since this began) It was about 8PM when it was "time for her to go", but she said ... maybe i should just stay here.
I wasn't really sure how to answer. I just told her that she needs to do what she needs to do.
She ended up going, and D and I spent the rest of the night together. We called and said our goodnights around 10PM.
This morning W came over at 6:15AM to make sure D could get to school. I could tell she was completely exhausted. I'm not saying I want her to come home because its "convenient", but I do think she is already starting to see what day to day life outside of the home is really like.
No emotional goodbyes today. I simply thanked her for getting D ready for school, and left for work.
I'm obviously not happy, but today is one of the first days in a long time that i don't have that cringing feeling of an oncoming breakdown. Calm has taken over ( at least for now)
cc, good for you for not jumping on her suggestion of staying over. I am sure you wanted to say, "yes, please!" but as you know, she needs to make her own decisions and live with them. Also good job on no emotional goodbyes.
Why did your W come over to make sure D gets to school? Can't you take her to school?
Glad you are feeling calm today. Enjoy it, and next time the roller coaster starts up again, just remember that you can have times of calm, and you will get here again.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I am not able to get D to school because of work. i have to bee at work by 7:30 which means i have to leave the house by around 6:45.
D doesnt start school untill around 7:30 so the times dont match up right now.
I got an email from my W this morning. She asked if she could stay tonight. I said "if thats what you need to do"
I have no expectations, like i said in my earlier post. I can tell she is exhuasted, and i know she misses her D. I know she doesn't want to stay becauase of me. I have no illusion of that.
I'm really just trying to figure out what kind of boundaries need to be set. Is it ok for her to stay at our house? or does that confuse things further. I don't want to push her away, but at the same time I want her to realize that she is the one who wanted separation.
