How to convince resistant LD wife?

[melissag]

Hmm. My situation may be a bit different than yours. I was very clear with my H that I DID want to have a good sexual relationship with him.

OK, that is quite different from my situation. If my wife had said that, I would have jumped on it and listened to what she had to say very carefully.

See, I would think that he would have too - but the words were meaningless to my H. He didn't believe me, because my actions didn't match with what I was saying.

Interesting contrast. We have a good relationship, but no sex. So the sex part is the only thing that's missing. So, I can sort of see how that puts me in the position of being an ass -- the only thing that's missing is sex, and so because that's the only thing "extra" I want, that makes me an ass in my wife's eyes, especially if I say I want to go out and get a girlfriend for just that part. What a logical conundrum. Catch 22.

But sex is an integral part of a marriage . . . does she not get that? To say the only thing missing in a marriage is sex is like saying the only thing missing in a football game is the ball. If the rest of your relationship really is good, then I am quite impressed. With me and H, this issue seeped into pretty much every other area of our M like a toxin. Ironically, now we are separated, and our sex life is gangbusters - its the rest of it that we need to work on.

The problem as I see it is that your W is in some kind of crazy lala land. I can tell you that because I was there, too. For whatever reason, she's got some sort of block where she just doesn't want to go there. She knows you are upset, but right now her feelings are more important to her than yours. Since you are willing to stay regardless, there is nothing pushing her to make a change. I used to see people on TV on Oprah or whatever talking about how you have to maintain intimacy with your husband or he will cheat or leave. But somehow I convinced myself that wasn't going to happen to me. I mean, it scared me a little, but not into action. I am not saying that any of this is logical, but it is what it is. Your W probably has some complex emotional "logic" in her head about all of this, that makes no sense whatsoever from an outside perspective. I wish I could tell you how to get her to see things clearly. I hate to say it but if you continue to stay in the marriage and accept the status quo, I don't see any reason for her to move on this.

You keep talking about getting a girlfriend. What do you mean by that? Do you think you could find a woman who would agree to a purely sexual relationship with a married man, and that she would never want anything more? Or maybe you would want more. Or maybe you would feel horrible for cheating on your wife, even if she said it was OK. And most likely, even if she said it was OK, she would be devastated. I know I would have. And I know, you can lecture me and say "well, what do you expect? he's never going to have sex again?" But logical or not, fair or not, that's the way it is. I would never be OK with my husband sleeping with another woman, whether I was putting out or not.

Have you brought this up with your W? If she objects bc you are not supposed to have sex outside your M, you can perhaps remind her that you ARE supposed to have sex inside your M . . . .