The Big Hill

[Pudmuddle]

Hi Linda, that was a nice reminder that things COULD be so much worse than what we are dealing with. Yikes for that poor woman with the thugs, wow... I keep having a feeling that the people my H chooses will be like that. Ick that is so nasty to put your family in that kind of jeopardy.

I decided to post the little things I'm grateful for once in a while to help pull myself out of a down time. It does change the color of the glasses once in a while.
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On another note, I met with my db coach. It was good. She thought that I was seeing good, but small progress from my H. And she thought the things I was doing were working. She did notice that I was weary of the limbo, the status quo, but sensed that I did not want to give up just yet. She was right. I just wished I knew where my H was at, like a temp check.


We came up with some goals for me:

Ask him to go on errands together instead of separate
Add more physical touch, be more appreciative, empathetic
Keep things light when together
Touch quickly when laughing together
Add more 1-on-1 time, hobbies, errands
keep the co-parenting up, supporting him when dealing with S

I told her these seem like things I could do, but the emotional connection has been gone for so long that it feels awkward at times. Then I have to be comfortable with the rejection if there is any and move on from that. Anticipate how he might not want to do these things and what his response might be so that I can be more prepared for the rejection.

The thing is I couldn't even think about how to emotionally connect to him...this kind of scared me. It feels like it has been this way for too long. So I think I need to approach this with a fresh perspective, as if he were someone I would want to date and be involved with, and not be a chickenshiz.

I feel so worn out today. Maybe I just need to shut my brain down for awhile. There is more but my brain feels like a fried egg all scrambled. I can't even write out my thoughts really well today. Just need time to process.

Plus it's my dad's bday and I am a little sad that he is not here to share it with. I may just hang out somewhere and not go immediately home so that I can just remember my dad today. My H wasn't there for me during his death so I am not sure he would even react to my sadness over this today. I don't want his pity. He knows he wasn't there and even halfheartedly tried to apologize for it once, but it wasn't sincere or heartfelt. Just like a little boy saying sorry for breaking your toys.

I am thankful that my dog looks at me with total love.
I am thankful that it is a nice sunny day here in colorado.
I am thankful that my mom has met someone who cares about her.
I am thankful for the friends I have met on this board.