GUILT IS IT A GOOD SIGN?

[reachingHigher]

Hi Ambiv!

You know I am better at sharing my story than dispensing advice, lol!

The way it went down was little by little after H moved out, he let me know about wanting a D. Late summer of 2012 we were connecting really well and then a switch...boom...he backed up and was more distant and insisted on D. Said "overnight" wasn't fast enough.

I panicked and called a DB coach.

Then I went along with the D too, protecting myself as best I could. I saw two lawyers and decided on the second, more experienced one. Both L's said my H was MLC and they expected him to snap out of it but didn't know how long it would be.

I told H he could use my L to save money. I went for the initial visit and ended up being the one to draft papers and "file". This gave me the ability to spell out what I wanted, altho I hated it and kept reminding H it was only b/c HE was insisting.

Then H & I went together (this is about November of 2012) and we held hands, shared a water bottle, etc. H asked me for dinner and drinks that night in front of the L. Surreal.

H held me in his arms in the lobby while they ran my credit card through the machine. $2500.

I began dividing our stuff and gave him a little more each time I saw him. I took title to 3 vehicles and then said he couldn't drive those vehicles any more.

During this time we all had Thanksgiving at my sister's house. Held hands, hugged, slept together. My BIL said H had the deer-in-the-headlights look.

December 23, H said most timidly through tears that he wanted to delay the D a month or two. Then it was 3 or 4 months. Then he started staying overnight, no ML. One or two nights. Five nights a week.

In January he asked for the L's phone number and called himself to delay the D. They called me later to be sure it was what I wanted not just a wild hair up his....

In early January also, he went to an MD and started three months of AD. This was key. HIM asking for help.

Then he asked for MC (through tears again) together. Then he talked about moving back in. Lived out of a gym bag for months.

June of 2013 he closed his apartment and was fully moved in. But still some emotional reserve.

This summer he asked if I could get some money back from the L. So I knew he was done with the D for now. I can't get any $ back, btw.

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About the ML. We agreed together when he moved out March of 2012 we would continue to do that. We did, but H went deep into replay almost immediately.

Yes, he always dressed and left soon after. He never stayed overnight from March of 2012 to December of 2012.

He was always cold to me afterwards. Avoided eye contact, etc. Like he was ashamed he had that need.

I didn't do anything to ease the pain of that for myself. It just was. I knew it helped keep a thread of his heart. Occasionally, not often, I would get a 5 second hug of really him. Mostly it wasn't him. Mostly he was this alien. The eyes, the things he would say, his plans, his friends, everything. Alien. So alien.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Recently, within the past month, he told me he had to go "that far". That far into replay really, to prove, to know, to be what he wanted. If he hadn't, he insinuated, he would've gone back into the tunnel eventually, not having learned what he needed to. He didn't use all those terms, but that's what he meant.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I've gotten no apologies of the magnitude I wanted. His pain was severe. He needed to go through this to mature and be a man whom he can be proud of. I needed some changes too.

It's a terrible thing to go through on both sides. But the rewards so far are unbelievably sweet. My H had all the markers for a severe crisis. But we didn't see it coming.

I have a lot of pity for anyone in this on both sides. And sometimes I cry out of gratitude and joy but its a joy that's been forged through sorrow.