He did apologize a long time ago but it was one of those empty apologies. I don't really expect another. I really am at a loss what to expect.
It is strange that the MLCer seems to take it for granted that they can mess with us all they want and still want to play besties. I remember that conversation with him well.
He was not abandoning me, he was changing our relationship. The look on his face when he realized I was dead serious that perhaps this change was not acceptable to me was priceless and told me more about his state of mind than anything he could possibly say.
Portia, your xSO sounded just like my H a year ago, when he told me that he has a new “phase of his life after me”, but he still loved me (except was not in love with me) and didn’t want to lose me completely out of his life. Well, I guess it is not working for him like he imagined. I think it is the same for your xSO. I think that he has a different perception now. Also, who knows what he told the GF about you. I’m sure that she would NOT like you to be his friend. Would you in her situation? This was just a fantasy in his head.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hi Portia. So glad everything is smoothed over with your dad.....I sometimes have these head to head confrontations with mine too. For various reasons. It does make it hard though......at some level we do want their approval for sure.
Your xSO is right.....changed your relationship for sure but I'm guessing he's thinking it didn't quite happen the way he planned. It doesn't for any of them I think. Hello???? Put the tasers on stun setting. Lol
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
The Mothership. Isn't that the truth. And they are so convincing!
Life has been busy as usual, but in the back of my head I can't help but think of his last text. Wanted to see if the absence of dialogue could be moved in the other direction. What does that mean? And then I remember not to hurt my head trying to figure it out.
I am finding it hard to know what to do because I don't know what I want.
In the very beginning, I wanted to save this relationship. I could not understand the people who didn't and I sure could not relate to the vets who insisted (and were right) that I would survive and would feel differently as time went on.
Now, it isn't simply the time that has passed. It is all that has passed between us. I know more or less the truth now - there was an OW for much longer than he ever admitted to and she was not the first he tried, the complete abandonment when my parent was dying and the way he turned his back on my pain (and the panic attacks). I am working on forgiveness but to invite that back into my life?
I don't know.
Did anyone else find that the cheating wasn't the worst part? I feel worse about the abandonment at a time when I could truly have used a friend.
And is it also strange that part of the reason I have agreed to talk to him is because I don't want to hurt HIS feelings? I mean, get real. He sure did not have any consideration for me.
Now that he is back in touch, it is different this time around. I am truly starting from the beginning but with some preconceived notions with regard to his true character.
So far he has respected my last text that I needed some time. After his reply, there has been radio silence. I am truly grateful for that.
I never expected him to call. Maybe it is because his birthday is coming up and the holidays are approaching. Whatever the reason, here I am. How awkward is that first conversation going to be? And how do I keep from screaming what is the point of this? I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
Now, it isn't simply the time that has passed. It is all that has passed between us. I know more or less the truth now - there was an OW for much longer than he ever admitted to and she was not the first he tried, the complete abandonment when my parent was dying and the way he turned his back on my pain (and the panic attacks). I am working on forgiveness but to invite that back into my life?
I don't know.
Did anyone else find that the cheating wasn't the worst part? I feel worse about the abandonment at a time when I could truly have used a friend.
And is it also strange that part of the reason I have agreed to talk to him is because I don't want to hurt HIS feelings? I mean, get real. He sure did not have any consideration for me.
Hello Portia. The above is EXACTLY one of the things I struggle with too. My H was also not there for me when my father was dying, and in ways that hurt worse than losing my father. He also has had OW or Floormop as I like to call her, for longer than he will admit. This explains a lot of his emotional removal when I was going through some really rough times.
I want to stand for my marriage, but this is always in the back of my brain as something that is really hard to accept. He did apologize once for this in our early post-BD days, but it was so unfeeling and insincere, it felt like an afterthought. Like Oh yeah sorry about this. I agree this hurts worse than the BD and Floormop sitch.
I'm not sure I have advice on this as this is something I still struggle with deeply and we are not anywhere near where you and your H are right now. I will be following your sitch to gain insight into this. I'm so sorry about your parent dying, I understand the complete grief that you are going through.
Take care.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Holy macaronis Portia. I have just been trying to catch up on my friends' threads, and yours and Jayes have honestly made my head spin. I feel so so sorry for you, but then read "He said "just think daily of the absence of dialogue between us, wanted to see if it could be moved in the other direction." Seriously. The absence of dialogue. On a positive note, at least he has noticed!" and you made me laugh out loud as always. Geez these MLCers and their understatements. It reminded me of my H asking me if I had "noticed" that he had not loved me and had been looking for romance elsewhere for the past 4 years
I'm glad you made up with your dad. Most of my H's family is like that - always screaming at each other and then forgetting about it ten minutes later. Except for H, oh how that man can hold on to a grudge!
I'm voting with Bright on your SO's motivation here. I doubt that his GF, is she still exists, wants to be your friend. She might want to meet you, to suspiciously get a gander at her BF's FEMALE best friend, but to be a happy threesome, I doubt it. His perceived arrogance might be due to anxiety over how you would respond to his call. But time will tell, if you take the time to sit quietly as prescribed by Job.
Thanks for writing this, Bea "One thing I have learned is that are not able to be contrite - that comes, if at all , a very long way down the line. I think they know they have screwed up royally, but they are so fragile that fully acknowledging the extent of the hurt they have caused is just beyond them."
There has been a LOT of talk around the MLC forum about demanding/requiring forgiveness as a condition to reconciliation. And I know that even though he is still lost in the replay tunnel, my H is already sort of sorry for the pain he is causing me. But seems to me to think that his presence in our home when he would rather be gallivanting around Moscow is enough to make up for the pain. He was not a good apologizer pre-BD, and so I really don't expect much in the way of apologies if he ever escapes. But I like the way you put it, that they are "so fragile" that acknowledging the extent of the hurt is beyond them. Maybe your SO was like this too, Portia?
PS I love the title of your thread Portia! I have adopted it for my DB byline. "It does not matter, so STFU!"
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Wanted to see if the absence of dialogue could be moved in the other direction. What does that mean?
He wants to talk to you more.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Portia, in my case there was no known OW and I don’t know what my reaction would be to cheating as opposed to abandonment. I ask myself this question all the time, what would be worse. When I was traveling for work, my H used to check up on me if I arrived to my destination safely. It stopped right after the BD. It felt like he just stopped caring. And this hurt a lot. Still does.
I like Bea’s interpretation… Stiff language, haha.
Hang in there, Portia. It must be so hard to go through these challenging times with your parent.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
