If W continues to act friendly and reasonable, I have to remind myself to continue to detach and let whatever happens happen. I know mind reading and predicting is useless, but if things continue to be OK, I can't help but think another blow up round of venom and spew will happen eventually.
Having no expectations will help you stay sane
Originally Posted By: JFun51
In the meantime, I will enjoy the ride and continue my journey.
Living in the moment was a difficult concept for me at first....but once you get your hands around it, well worth it.
Jfun I'm so, so happy for you.....you've made such strides in a short amount of time.
Let her reach out to you in bed.....she's lucky to have such a committed partner and father to her children.
I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around living in the moment but I'm trying and you're helping me along
Have a blessed Sunday
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Great message at church today. Sermon was about dealing with Diisappointmets in life. It was so appropriate for my life and most of us here. How we choose to deal with these disappointments defines us. One quote preacher used this morning was "disappointment is like dream defibrillation." We can use these trials to kick start our dreams of being who we want to be. He also used a great Dale Carnegie quote as well. The entire morning was about overcoming adversity and disappointment.
Went to eat Chinese after church and my fortune read: "You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems."
I think the universe is in my head today!
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
How nice and friendly can I be while W is being nice and friendly? Less than a week removed from the most venomous spew in a long time and I have had 2 days of friendly woman who is smiling, watching tv with me, laughing and carrying on with all of us. I understand this is the roller coaster or the "bounce," but should I reciprocate? How much is pursuing? This weekend, I lived in the moment and enjoyed things.
Feeling myself getting sucked in a little over the last couple days. I do still love this woman after all. Enjoy seeing her feel more like herself.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Hey JF! I'm glad you're experiencing a period of calm and relative sanity with W.
My DB coach instructed me to always lay way back, give H space, STFU, BUT to be approachable and friendly when H approaches me first. T2 calls it being aloof but approachable.
The trick is to not get fooled into thinking things are normal. I tend to do this when my H is acting normal, which happens a lot now. I forget and try to engage him in conversation once too often, only to have the zombie dead eye mask drop over his face, and he is likely to turn and walk away without a word. Spewing has decreased at this point, it's more like H ignores me and does not acknowledge my existence.
But...enjoy your interactions with W while they last!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Just being involved generally. In the lives of my children, in conversation, in activities. I was a tag along standing to the side in most cases a year ago.
Just being happy about being alive and knowing that no single event, person, conversation is going to take away my happiness or dictate my own feelings to me.
That unfriendly, moody, angry person is left behind, because I realize that if I can survive BD and the aftermath, I can make it through just about anything. I think that's the biggest epiphany for me. Life is way too short to not be friendly and happy. I can't imagine getting up with the sour look that I had a year ago.
Okay, so maybe it is just because you haven't outwardly answered a lot of questions, maybe you have inwardly, and that is okay too....
Maybe it is because I can't resist sticking a stick in the nest ?
Yea, probably the second one..... : )
My question to most of this....is WHY...
Why were you in the background ??
Why were you unfriendly ??
Why did you have the "sour look" ???
Originally Posted By: JFun51
That old guy is one of the reasons that my M reached the point that it has. I don't like him at all.
Perspective. That is how I keep him away. I talk about "controlling the controllable" in my job all the time. Applying it to my entire life is awesome.
Just "keeping him away" may not be enough when old triggers are pulled, and old buttons are pushed...
It is great that to keep him under control, and you may be okay with just locking him in the attic. What happens one day when he starts pounding on the ceiling because a trigger has been pulled, and the more that you try to fight him, the louder he pounds, until he finally breaks through the ceiling, and falls on your noggin ???
What then ???
How will you know when he is gone for good ???
The test of time ???
Waiting until the ceiling begins to rattle ???
How convenient would that be for you ???
Are you willing to take that chance ???
It is kind of keeping a clean yard....
To keep weeds out, would you just cut the top off of a dandelion ???
Or would you dig up the root, to ensure that it doesn't come back ???
Just "keeping him away" may not be enough when old triggers are pulled, and old buttons are pushed...
It is great that to keep him under control, and you may be okay with just locking him in the attic. What happens one day when he starts pounding on the ceiling because a trigger has been pulled, and the more that you try to fight him, the louder he pounds, until he finally breaks through the ceiling, and falls on your noggin ???
What then ???
Reminds me of the Hulk in the Avengers...
Never heard a woman exclaim awe and desire for him, guess that unpredictable rage thing might have something to do with it, idk.
Capt America and Tony Stark, OTOH....
JF, you are doing good, you now see the difference, you now see you are in control of your choices, reactions, thoughts and expectations. When I was where you are, I still needed some training wheels, still needed vigilance until I was further down the road, more practiced and many roots dug up. I'm still finding more...it's an ongoing process.
I don't have to watch "too much" or "too closely" like I did before, "the other guy" is fairly dead. You will get to where you need to be, just keep doing the work...
Oh, btw...Tony Stark is mine, you'll have to pick another, sorry...just so you know...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thanks for making me think more. Or for sticking the stick in the hornet's nest. I spent most of the time in the background of conversations mostly because everyone we were around had common history with W. We live in her community, these people are her friends. All connections to these people were through her. My family is broken and spread out. I never spent much time around extended family while growing up. When we married, we moved into her community, because I wanted to. I didn't have many ties to the community where I lived, because there was no family there and my parents had D when I was 21.
I think I have failed to make connections with lots of these people in our community because they were all her friends first. Then I went to work in a different community 10 years ago. I have a large group of friends and supporters in that community. These 2 worlds do not mix however. We have lived in 2 separate worlds. W did not make strides to integrate into my community that I work in, because we don't live there, the kids go to school in her community, etc.
I described myself to W way back in April (long before BD) as Alone. My father died of cancer in 2007, my mother lives 1.5 hours away from us, I work 35 minutes away from home, I have no family within 30 minutes of us, and there has never been a real connection with my working community and my home community. I felt like W had this great network of friends and family that she enjoyed, while my network of coworkers and true friends were only Monday-Friday people.
I had resented W for not making an effort to try to go to social functions with my friends. This was one of the things that came up on BD and has been thrown back up at me since. There has been a real disconnect between our worlds.
Sour and unfriendly? All of the above. Plus stresses of job, running kids around, keeping schedules, maintaining a household, paying bills when money is tight, etc.
We had a serious of unfortunate events that really put this all in motion. Started with our home being broken into last October. At one point, we joked about what we could have done wrong to deserve it all. We both had car accidents, her grandmother passed away, one of my close friends died at age 37 of cancer, son broke his arm when one of W's friends kids pushed him down. I could go on, but lots of stressful events over a year's time led both of us to being very unhappy.
Sour angry disposition resulted from me letting all those things dictate to me and disrupt my life. I let these things define my mood and my own well being. Today, I think that I would understand better that my attitude and outlook don't waver from one event to the next. No singular event or moment in time will change who I am.
Quote:
How will you know when he is gone for good ???
The test of time ???
I think that I will continue to grow. Throughout this process, I find myself learning more and more each day. It's not like Zen Buddhism. There is no flash and shining moment where one reaches enlightenment. It is the process of maintenance every day. You can go pull the roots of the dandelions up and that will suffice for this season, but you will still have to put out pre emergent weed control before the next season because the seeds are there and will continue to be deposited there by outside sources.
If we as human beings aren't trying to be better than we were yesterday, we aren't living. That means forgiving people for actions that hurt us, helping others grow around us, walking the walk daily.
Our journey as the LBS is similar to the MLCer. We must go back and close the doors on all those things that have created our own personality deficiencies. The BD has awakened us to who we are and who we need to become.
I won't know if I have succeeded in putting away that man until I am gone from this earth. One can never put their own personal growth on cruise control.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Oh, btw...Tony Stark is mine, you'll have to pick another, sorry...just so you know...
I have always been a fan of Cap and Spider Man. Peter Parker is a little bit of a wiener, though. I'll take Steve Rogers/Captain America, standing for truth and justice.
I have lost 45 pounds so the tights might not look so bad either!
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Awesome news JF. I'm so glad things have been better for you lately! Hopefully this is a sign of more good days to come for you, I know you could use them.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
