Update: The past few days have been very, very quiet. H comes home sleeps and goes to work.
I've been keeping pretty busy readying and studying and working on myself.
Yesterday evening, we had a bump in the road. H was extremely tired and wouldn't get up when his alarm went off.
I tried to wake him up several times, and he kept hitting snooze...for FOUR HOURS! I finally feel asleep myself and took a nap. I wasn't being mean but I decided that he's a big boy and I'm not his mom.....so I didn't worry about it anymore.
When H finally woke up and realized he'd overslept, he was very mad. I told him that I'd tried to wake him up several times, etc. and he yelled at me that it was fine...that it wasn't my "f-ing fault" and to leave him alone. So, I did.
I went to another room with him slamming doors, stomping around....he yelled that the kids that he was in a "f-ing hurry" and if they wanted a hug they'd better get in there, etc. He was being a total jerk.
He said several times that he wasn't mad at me...but he was definitely taking it out on me. UGH!
Anyway, I have had no contact with him since he slammed the door last night and left for work.
Yesterday and today, I've been filled with overwhelming sadness.
I try to turn off my thoughts but I keep thinking about how much fun we used to have together. How he'd hug me or kiss me for no reason and hold my hand. How he used to laugh and smile...and be content and happy.
He became angry and unhappy so gradually, that I never realized how bad it was becoming until recently.
We used to have a difficult marriage, sure....but we had good times, too.
The "bad" times have been going on for 1.5-2 years now so it's been easy to think it was always this bad our whole marriage....but the past couple of days, I keep remembering the "good" stuff that I had forgotten.
We used to ride bikes together, go on walks, go golfing, took trips....we laughed and enjoyed each other. He used to bring me Starbucks and apple fritters and chocolate because he knew I loved those things. He would do sweet things for me "just because"....and I could do nice things for him without it pushing him away or making him feel "pressured"...
Now, he looks at me with contempt...and all I feel coming from him is rejection and sadness and anger....and I hate that I am powerless to help HIM.
It just makes me so incredibly sad...because, as in MLC cases, my H doesn't remember ANY good times...and thinks it will never get better.
Today, I feel hopeless. Guess that means I'm not working on me as much as I thought I was.
Aww Ang, I'm sorry you feel so down today. But you know what? I see some very good things here, let me explain.
You actually did very well removing yourself from his anger. He was NOT mad at you, he was mad at himself. You are feeling very sad because you are letting him go, to deal with his own problems.
I went through many of these times and realized I was detaching more and more. No one said this would be easy to detach, it certainly is not. So feel the grief of letting him go, it does not mean you love him any less. Remember the good times, for they are the truth. His poor unfortunate brain just cannot go there or deal with it because that would mean he was wrong. Right?
Try to get some of this grief out, cry like there is no tomorrow, go scream in a field or go for a long walk/gym bout. Letting it out will help you become stronger and move on.
Love ya
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Angela, don’t let H’s moods affect you. It is too bad that he unleashed on the kids too.
I know what you mean by not noticing your H becoming angry gradually. My H had these outbursts of anger sometimes, when he was doing the home projects and something didn’t go the way he wanted. He apologized afterwards. In the last few years he started to show some anger in other things. I noticed, but thought it was related to the stress he was having when he didn’t have work. Now I know that it was part of depression, his low self-esteem and unhappiness.
Take care of yourself.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
BrightFuture is right. You can't really blame yourself for failing to see the buildup of anger, sometimes there really are no outward signs, it's all been building up in their heads and waiting to explode out.
A few days ago mine came into the kitchen, looked at the grocery list and said, "you don't need to buy me any milk, I am not using it here anyways." I pointed out he used milk to make protein shakes the last few days, wouldn't he need milk for that.
He immediately got pissy and told me "I don't want to argue about it!" (Who was arguing? I was presenting an observation)
Crazytown.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
sayitaintso: Thank you for checking on me! My weekend was alright.
tigerlily78:
Yep, my H is like that, too. Exploding at silly stuff...then trying to make it my fault. One of his favorite lines, AFTER he gets all mad about something, is "Well, I'm not going to fight with you," when I'm not trying to cause a fight either. So frustrating.
I have been so busy the past several days that I didn't get on here at all. I'm sure I've missed lots in all of your sitches so I'll have to catch up later.
UPDATE:
It's been more of the same around here. Maybe some of you vets can verify this...if this is what "detaching" really is...but I'm feeling more and more distanced from H.
I think I've reached a point where I am finally detaching and just feel like whatever H does just doesn't affect me the same anymore. I guess that's what this is. The past week or so, I've felt that way.
I'm not ALWAYS detached...I still have my weak moments (see below)...but overall, I think of H less and less...and feel lighter...happier with just working on me and focusing on my kids.
I’m less bothered about trying to decide if he’s lying or not when he tells me stuff (I just pretty much assume that he is….but I don’t get upset about it like I was.)
On a funny note, I went to my school's playoff game Saturday evening. I dressed up, did my hair, put on perfume, etc. Even put on my cute new “under garments”, etc. H was home and awake so he noticed all this.
During the game, he kept texting to ask how it was going, etc. After game, he was pretty nosey…wanting to know if I was coming straight home, where I was going, who I was with, etc. He was joking that I’m too “old” to want to party, etc. I just found it extremely funny that because HE is up to no good, he assumes that I am, too.
He was off Saturday night so we had a really good day Saturday and first part of Sunday. Just hung out with the kids, joked around, etc.
However, Sunday afternoon, while he was at his friend’s house watching football, he texted and pretty much told me that he doesn’t want me going to Thanksgiving at his family’s with him and the kids….that it will cause too much “drama.” And, I got pretty mad and hurt.
First of all, I have stayed on friendly terms with ALL of this family. I have had NO drama with any of them. Remember, H just started talking to his mom and family again, but they have all promised that none of that will come up at Thanksgiving…they just want to get together and have fun and relax.
They have said that they want me there….and H isn’t brave (or stupid) enough to show up there with another woman…so it isn’t that.
H never would tell me why he “really” doesn’t want me there…and he finally said that I could take the kids and go but he’d stay at home. Well, that defeats the whole purpose of him making amends with his family…so I’m not going to do that, either!!! I guess if he still feels this way next week, I’ll just stay home and let him take the kids.
It hurts and makes me SO MAD that he’ll act like we’re doing better and getting along, but then, doesn’t want me to do anything with him as a “family”.
We ended the day on good terms and have had a couple of nice texts today. So, I’m back to working on detaching some more…
I still feel really torn some days. I sometimes wonder why I’m doing this to myself. I’m tired. Just tired and weary of dealing with H’s crap.
I try to keep reminding myself that I believe in my vows…for better or WORSE…and that I have to have hope….and I have to keep my children’s best interests at heart…..but this “sticking it out” stuff is hard.
Oh, and I got my STD results last week….I’m all clear….so that is a HUGE relief. At least I didn’t catch something nasty from H and his “maybe, maybe not” affair. Lol. 'Cause there would have been HELL to pay if he'd given me something!
Why, my dear Ang, I do believe your detachment is showing!! Good for you, YES!
I'll bet you looked so good! Your H was just itching to know who you did it for!! LMAO! Hey, btw totally off topic here, do you have red hair? just curious...I keep picturing you with red hair, lol.
I'm glad you stood your ground on the family thing, who is he to tell you you can't go visit his family on a holiday? I totally plan on being around for my in laws, not sure what his plans are, lol. Let H sulk in the gravy of his pity turkey!
Keep sticking with it, the more you detach the more you will see that the things they throw at you are total bs.
You're doing great Ang. HUGGGGGGS
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Hi Ang. I know this is hard. I know this feels like it has been going on forever, but, you are still early into this.
You are going to have good days and bad days. And eventually the good days will outweigh the bad.
So, good for you for realizing he is a big boy and responsible for himself. Let him stomp around like a fool. Not your problem.
As far as Thanksgiving - I know that is hurtful. Hard as it is, you have to accept that your h does not want the marriage right now. Doesnt mean he will always feel that way, but, it is how he feels right now. Please try to believe this is not about you as much as it feels like it is.
That is wonderful news that you got from the doctor. One huge worry off your shoulders, right?
Detaching is hard. It takes some time. It is a mindset. It is thinking that you are letting him walk his journey and while he does, you are living your life. It is thinking that whatever he says or does is not going to affect what you say or do. You are going to be, and grow and live for you.
And Ang, your memories are real. They are. Hold onto them. Cherish them. Dont let all this take them from you.
Only you know if you can do this. All you really have to do right now is feel that you may want to quit one day, but, today is not that day.
When it comes to Thanksgiving, you are the one with the choice. If you have been invited to the In-laws and you want to celebrate WITH your children, then go! Do not let him dictate to you what you will and will not do. Act "as if" everything is fine and go! Let him choose to brood, and really think about HIS choice . What holidays will be like without his family and what HE is giving up.
I invited my bro-in-law because it was what we have done for over 30 years. It isn't his fault that his brother is having struggles. It isn't my girls fault either, so why should WE change our tradition for his issues? By the way , H decided to come.
Hang in there...<3
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
Do you have red hair? just curious...I keep picturing you with red hair, lol.
That is so funny! I do not have red hair…more brown with some reddish natural highlights…but red hair runs in my family….and my S10 has red hair!
You're doing great Ang.
Thanks for the continued encouragement!
uR:
Please try to believe this is not about you as much as it feels like it is.
I’ve been thinking about this over and over since yesterday. This is good advice. I DO feel like it’s about me, and it’s hard not to take it all very personally. But, thank you, uR, for the reminder.
That is wonderful news that you got from the doctor. One huge worry off your shoulders, right?
Definitely some much needed GOOD news! Lol.
You are going to be, and grow and live for you.
This is SO unbelievably hard…but then, some days, I realize that hours have gone by where I didn’t even think of him once. So, I’m getting there…it’s just such a slow process.
And Ang, your memories are real. They are. Hold onto them. Cherish them. Dont let all this take them from you.
This made me cry so much because I do feel like the memories are slipping and getting replaced by all the crap. I feel bitter and resentful and sad…I don’t want to always feel this way about the good memories from the past. I wish I could be more like you in that respect….you seem to have a healthy grasp on holding onto your dear memories while letting the ugly, hateful stuff go. I’m having a hard time with that…I guess it’s all still too fresh. I hear a song or see a photo or think of a memory and it just tears a brand new hole in my heart.
Only you know if you can do this. All you really have to do right now is feel that you may want to quit one day, but, today is not that day. Hang in there, sweetie
This also made me cry because it’s like you knew exactly what I needed to hear. I get so sad and weary…that I lose sight of the fact that I DO have a choice…and I DO have plenty of time. I need to remember often that I do NOT have to make this choice right now…nor should I. I’m definitely not there, yet. Thanks, uR.
Amb:
When it comes to Thanksgiving, you are the one with the choice. If you have been invited to the In-laws and you want to celebrate WITH your children, then go! Do not let him dictate to you what you will and will not do. Act "as if" everything is fine and go! Let him choose to brood, and really think about HIS choice . What holidays will be like without his family and what HE is giving up.
This is true. My H is so up and down. Yesterday evening, he was talking about when “we” go to his family’s all together…so who knows what he’ll be thinking by next week? Thanks, A!
My weekend was alright.