Hmm. My situation may be a bit different than yours. I was very clear with my H that I DID want to have a good sexual relationship with him.
OK, that is quite different from my situation. If my wife had said that, I would have jumped on it and listened to what she had to say very carefully.
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...if he had said he was going to get a girlfriend to have sex with, I would most likely have thought he was a complete ass. The fact that he wanted a D showed me that he was/is hurt, not that he's just trying to figure out how he can get laid.
Interesting contrast. We have a good relationship, but no sex. So the sex part is the only thing that's missing. So, I can sort of see how that puts me in the position of being an ass -- the only thing that's missing is sex, and so because that's the only thing "extra" I want, that makes me an ass in my wife's eyes, especially if I say I want to go out and get a girlfriend for just that part. What a logical conundrum. Catch 22.
If she truly doesn't like sex, or doesn't want to have any, why are you still around?
Because my wife means a lot more to me than just sex! I know that might be a shocking statement coming from a man!
But my wife's clear understanding, by this time, that I like her for far more than just sex -- well, that still hasn't made her one bit more interested in sex.
So has your W actually said that she just has no interest in sex, and will never do it? Or is she not meeting your needs in this area because she feels that her needs in the M aren't being met?
She doesn't want to talk about it anymore. It's beating a dead horse. She says she feels guilty about not having sex. She says she understands my need. And so she'd say she'll think about it and consider it. And then nothing happens, ever. Time just passes. Weeks and months. And if I bring it up again after a long time, I get the same answer. If I bring it up again soon, she'll say I'm pressuring her and that's a turn-off.
Clitoral orgasm. I had vaginal, and even ejaculation, but clitoral are the best.
Now recently I tried to give myself a clitoral without vibration on. I wanted to see IF I could do it, IF it was possible to have one as if a man was stimulating me.
I did, and it was a great relief. I thought my husband would not be able to do it. This is where I have learned that I have to touch myself while he thrusts. It WILL be possible to celebrate this with him! I was so happy and yet so sad at the same time.
I realized how much I should have been part of the experience. I didn't know, and I also was ashamed of touching myself in his presence.
I wish there was a little book given to brides on their wedding night/day! Who knows maybe I'll write one!
Anyway, I'm dying to share this with H. but don't think now is the time. I'm also dying to TRY it with husband, but I want to have it be the right time.
Right now I'm dealing with my emotions of having a name, and trying to not let it consume me. I have to face it head on, so that I can shove aside the fears that come with it.
Time to go work on me some more!
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
Well doubtful he is using them on himself if he is keeping his stash in the car!
Just out of curiosity, I checked on the web for instructions on how to store Viagra. One site says in boldface, "Do not store in car"! Viagra needs to be stored in a cool dry place. So if he leaves the car in the sun on a summer day, I'm afraid the joke is on him. His next attempt may be a flop.
I did, and it was a great relief. I thought my husband would not be able to do it. This is where I have learned that I have to touch myself while he thrusts. It WILL be possible to celebrate this with him! I was so happy and yet so sad at the same time.
Sounds very cool! Obviously, from my point of view, he's a fool! If only my wife could be where you are in this process.
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I realized how much I should have been part of the experience. I didn't know, and I also was ashamed of touching myself in his presence.
Wouldn't be surprised if my wife felt the same way. For some of us HD men with few inhibitions about our own bodies, we probably don't fully understand that shame. I never felt an ounce of shame in that regard, ever. The more pleasure, the better. And so we think women should think the same way. I mean, did you ever feel any shame enjoying a good pizza or chocolate cake? A woman once explained to me that she was ashamed as a teenager because she had heard that God was watching her. I tried my best to keep from laughing and cracking jokes about God being a voyeur.
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I wish there was a little book given to brides on their wedding night/day! Who knows maybe I'll write one!
Haven't seen a book for that specific readership, though there certainly are many books along those lines. The problem is convincing young couples to take such a book seriously. Many people assume love and nature will overcome all of their inhibitions and why not let things be "natural". For too many people, a committed exclusive sexual relationship ends up being a bubble of sexual ignorance which is never corrected. I've even heard of cases where couples went years without being able to have children, only to find out from the doctor that they didn't put the right anatomical parts together correctly to get pregnant!
Hmm. My situation may be a bit different than yours. I was very clear with my H that I DID want to have a good sexual relationship with him.
OK, that is quite different from my situation. If my wife had said that, I would have jumped on it and listened to what she had to say very carefully.
See, I would think that he would have too - but the words were meaningless to my H. He didn't believe me, because my actions didn't match with what I was saying.
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Interesting contrast. We have a good relationship, but no sex. So the sex part is the only thing that's missing. So, I can sort of see how that puts me in the position of being an ass -- the only thing that's missing is sex, and so because that's the only thing "extra" I want, that makes me an ass in my wife's eyes, especially if I say I want to go out and get a girlfriend for just that part. What a logical conundrum. Catch 22.
But sex is an integral part of a marriage . . . does she not get that? To say the only thing missing in a marriage is sex is like saying the only thing missing in a football game is the ball. If the rest of your relationship really is good, then I am quite impressed. With me and H, this issue seeped into pretty much every other area of our M like a toxin. Ironically, now we are separated, and our sex life is gangbusters - its the rest of it that we need to work on.
The problem as I see it is that your W is in some kind of crazy lala land. I can tell you that because I was there, too. For whatever reason, she's got some sort of block where she just doesn't want to go there. She knows you are upset, but right now her feelings are more important to her than yours. Since you are willing to stay regardless, there is nothing pushing her to make a change. I used to see people on TV on Oprah or whatever talking about how you have to maintain intimacy with your husband or he will cheat or leave. But somehow I convinced myself that wasn't going to happen to me. I mean, it scared me a little, but not into action. I am not saying that any of this is logical, but it is what it is. Your W probably has some complex emotional "logic" in her head about all of this, that makes no sense whatsoever from an outside perspective. I wish I could tell you how to get her to see things clearly. I hate to say it but if you continue to stay in the marriage and accept the status quo, I don't see any reason for her to move on this.
You keep talking about getting a girlfriend. What do you mean by that? Do you think you could find a woman who would agree to a purely sexual relationship with a married man, and that she would never want anything more? Or maybe you would want more. Or maybe you would feel horrible for cheating on your wife, even if she said it was OK. And most likely, even if she said it was OK, she would be devastated. I know I would have. And I know, you can lecture me and say "well, what do you expect? he's never going to have sex again?" But logical or not, fair or not, that's the way it is. I would never be OK with my husband sleeping with another woman, whether I was putting out or not.
Have you brought this up with your W? If she objects bc you are not supposed to have sex outside your M, you can perhaps remind her that you ARE supposed to have sex inside your M . . . .
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
If she truly doesn't like sex, or doesn't want to have any, why are you still around?
Because my wife means a lot more to me than just sex! I know that might be a shocking statement coming from a man!
But my wife's clear understanding, by this time, that I like her for far more than just sex -- well, that still hasn't made her one bit more interested in sex.
That's not shocking at all. Of course she means more to you than just sex. But the question becomes whether you are willing to forgo the sex for the rest of it. You are desperately trying to change her so you can add a third option here. But there seem to be only two. Stay in the M and forgo sex, for some undetermined period of time, which may end up being forever; or leave. It's a s.h.i.t.t.y situation, to be sure. But you can't do anything about what SHE does. All you can do is figure out which is the better option for you. It may well be that leaving will jerk her into action . . . maybe. But maybe not. You would have to be prepared for that if you went that route.
It's almost like my S7 when he really wants something, and it's not an option. He doesn't choose between the remaining options, he just gets stuck wanting the one that isn't an option. And I tell him, you have to stop focusing on the one that isn't an option, because it's stopping you from moving forward. You need to look at the actual options and choose between them.
I am in the same boat, kind of. I don't get to choose whether my H comes back to me or we end up getting D. That's out of my hands. I can (and have) spent a lot of time bemoaning the fact that my life is this way, but it doesn't do me any good. It is what it is and I have to live the life that I have. I can't control him so I can only look at what I am doing, and control what I do. Same goes for you. You have tried everything, and you cannot change your W. So you need to decide what you are going to do.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
