Another friend described the process as these thoughts would pop into her head, things that she had forgotten about for years, and once she placed HER emotions onto theses things, they would disappear from her thoughts and confusion. And things would slowly become clearer each day.
I don't understand this part????
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Another friend described the process as these thoughts would pop into her head, things that she had forgotten about for years, and once she placed HER emotions onto theses things, they would disappear from her thoughts and confusion. And things would slowly become clearer each day.
I don't understand this part????
Heather
Essentially....
She had been the care taker of the "kids" growing up. She was the protector for the youngest and the oldest of her siblings through a pretty crappy childhood.
What she had found over the years, was that whilst she was there, and accounted for, by protecting her siblings, she was always thinking about their feelings and emotions. And while she was protecting them, she never had a chance to attach what those things meant to her....
While she was coming through a lot of her stuff (MLC), she found those situations popping up inside of her own head. Things that she hadn't thought of in years came back to her. Maybe just to "process" them, yet for whatever reason, they became way more rational than she remembered them being in her youth.
When they would race through her mind, she was finally able to attach HER emotions to those things, and they would find their rightful place in her mind....
She was finally able to sort out HER feelings, and when she did ?
They were no longer the Monster hiding under the bed...
Hi TVS. Some similarities in our sitches with OP...Mach's post could have easily been to me this morning after my evening last night with XW (great post Mach, and thanks!).
The "talk" sounds like it was very productive....but what are the next steps?
Originally Posted By: Takevowsserious
He said - I want to be a H to you, I want to be with you.
At the end of the convo, he reiterated that he was going to try to be better to me and our M. That he wanted to be here.
He refuses to consider counseling at this time.
He wants to try to be better to you, but doesn't want to try counseling? So what's his plan? What's yours?
Originally Posted By: Takevowsserious
I ended things by saying that I will give this a chance, but that I still know that he is in a R with her. That I believe that as long as he is involved with someone else, things will never really be good between us. How could they be? I told him that I need to come first above other people, my feelings need to come first. I told him he can't make me and her happy, it's impossible.
He agreed with me, but still denies the affair, says they are friends.
His relationship with OW is clearly not ok with you, yet he continues to defend it. So where does that leave you?
I haven't read all your threads...is this an EA or PA? A lot of times I think they excuse themselves from EA because it's not physical, but even if it is physical, they'll say "friends" to minimize it and avoid facing the truth. And if he's not ready to face the truth, then he's not ready to change it.
Originally Posted By: Takevowsserious
I felt like this could go on indefinitely because he was getting the best of both worlds. Yes, living a double life was also taking its toll on him, but he kept it going.
It still could unless you stand firm. Did he commit to do anything different?
Originally Posted By: Mach1
He got scared when you took away HIS safety net. He said the right things to stop you from pulling his rug out from under him, and he has a plan to stay safe for another few months.
Unfortunately, I agree with Mach on this one. Your H said just enough to keep you. Taking OP out of the picture is step 1....until he's ready to do that, I don't think any real healing can start. And until you're ready to hold him to it, you'll likely feed that cycle.
I applaud you for your patience and your strength, but as Mach said:
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Now isn't the time to become weak, or believe action-less words from him.
Thanks for all of your responses. I do appreciate them.
Well, hello Mach! I've been expecting you
You brought up a point about if this talk had happened earlier. Actually, a form of it did happen earlier - it was in January of this year.
He calls me on the way home from work asking if it was okay to go out with his brother - his usually alibi since he has pretty much cut everyone else out.
I was upset when he got home, and a lot came out. It wasn't calculated. I didn't have a script per say, but had some things I'd wanted to say for awhile.
He was defensive, tried turning things around on me, poor eye contact. Of course denied the affair, and was defensive about her as well. Did not admit to any wrongdoing, though did admit that he cared about me and "had some feelings of love" for me.
It was a much different talk.
Still, I can't say that I regret having it. Things had been building up in me for a long time, and I just went through a very stressful holiday season with my pod person.
Was there anything accomplished by that talk? Hard to say. It did make me feel better by getting things off my chest.
Mach (and Breakdown too - hi ) I understand that my H has to prove to me through his consistent actions over a period of time that he means business.
I have chosen to give him the opportunity to do this. I feel like I owe it to the man I married, my children, and myself to do so. I need to know - for ME - that I did everything possible to save my marriage and family. No "what it's?" for me...
Now if this was a "normal" affair, I would expect changes PRONTO.
But there's nothing normal - or speedy - about MLC!
The first few days after were awkward. Things have settled down.
I am giving him some time to put actions to his words. I have a mental deadline in which if I do not see an effort, I will ask him to leave.
As far as I can tell, his efforts thus far have included:
- increase in helping around the home, helping with boys - increase in time spent at home - decrease in texting - sharing who he is texting, showing me texts - sleeping in bed. He has pretty much spent the past two years on the couch. There have been times where he would come up to bed. It seemed as though there was a possible pattern between he and OW not getting along/him coming to bed and he and OW making up/he's back on couch.
He's not exactly cuddly while in bed, but he's not clinging to the end of the bed either - lol!
So while none of these things scream - yes, I want to be married to you!- perhaps these are baby steps for him, all he is able to offer me at the present moment.
Only time will tell on that.
Breakdown - you had asked whether it is EA or PA - it is both IMO. OW is someone who was a good friend of mine. Some friend, huh?
You're right, no healing can begin till he admits to the affair, ends it, and is ready to move forward. But this is certainly on his timetable - or maybe he will never be ready. I think he doesn't want to go near counseling because that would mean talking about the affair. And he's just not willing or able to do that right now.
So....
My plan for now is to keep doing what I'm doing. I've built a life that doesn't really involve him except when it comes to our children and financials. I'm not saying anything else to him about it. I'm giving him some time - and space - to continue to process stuff and hopefully step up and do what he said he would do.
And if he doesn't? I gave him a chance. It will then be time for him to continue his journey living somewhere else without me as a daily participant in his life.
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
TVS, you seem to be in a good place, mentally. It is interesting how you think there is a correlation between your H and OW and him sleeping in your bed or on the couch. I think it speaks a lot about OW, that she was your friends and now she is involved with your H, at the same time knowing that he still lives with you. I just don’t understand this kind of behavior, and I think I never will.
Wishing you lots of patience.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
You brought up a point about if this talk had happened earlier. Actually, a form of it did happen earlier - it was in January of this year.
He calls me on the way home from work asking if it was okay to go out with his brother - his usually alibi since he has pretty much cut everyone else out.
I was upset when he got home, and a lot came out. It wasn't calculated. I didn't have a script per say, but had some things I'd wanted to say for awhile.
He was defensive, tried turning things around on me, poor eye contact. Of course denied the affair, and was defensive about her as well. Did not admit to any wrongdoing, though did admit that he cared about me and "had some feelings of love" for me.
It was a much different talk.
Well....YES, you DID have a script then...
It was titled...hurt, raw emotion , and other assorted dependent behaviors....
Ant the is kind of my point...
YOUR script changed..
This one was, Strength, and GTFO out of my life...
Originally Posted By: Takevowsserious
I am giving him some time to put actions to his words. I have a mental deadline in which if I do not see an effort, I will ask him to leave.
As far as I can tell, his efforts thus far have included:
- increase in helping around the home, helping with boys - increase in time spent at home - decrease in texting - sharing who he is texting, showing me texts - sleeping in bed. He has pretty much spent the past two years on the couch. There have been times where he would come up to bed. It seemed as though there was a possible pattern between he and OW not getting along/him coming to bed and he and OW making up/he's back on couch.
He's not exactly cuddly while in bed, but he's not clinging to the end of the bed either - lol!
So while none of these things scream - yes, I want to be married to you!- perhaps these are baby steps for him, all he is able to offer me at the present moment.
That sounds wonderfully....mundane : )
What does reconciliation look like to you ?
What steps would HAVE to happen for you to recognize it ???
What steps from him ??
What steps from YOU ???
IF you are looking inward, how does that look ???
Looking outward, how does that look ???
How does that feel ???
How will you know, when you get there ?????
Baby steps are great...sort of...
When we reach this point, most people say, F baby steps, I want Giant leaps. I want this to end sooner rather than later....
Truth is....
The expectations of things being one way or the other way, are the things that ultimately do the LBS in.
Same as always...it didn't break overnight, and it won't fix overnight.
