2TH, it's funny you should mention this - I was just complaining about this to a friend. My H is pretty obsessed with his phone, too. I don't think he does it to be rude, it just seems that (a) every minute of his time must be occupied with something (I mean really, he even looks on his iPad or phone while brushing his teeth!!); and (b) he is really interested in every text, email, or whatever that comes his way and makes his phone ding. He has the same compulsion to answer the phone or the front door - I have asked him a number of times if he thinks that it's the Prize Squad for Publisher's Clearing House waiting outside with a bunch of balloons and a giant check for $5 million.
You are right - you cannot comment about this right now. Just let it go. Tonight my H came over for dinner, and yep, he had to check that damn thing at least half a dozen times in 2.5 hours. It drives me nuts. It makes me feel insignificant - like I am not important or exciting enough to hang out with, without needing to know what else is going on in the world. But ever since BD, I say nothing. There is no point. It won't change anything, and it will just irritate him, I am sure. What I have done is to make sure that my phone is put away and I don't even look at it while he is around. At least I know I am treating him in a respectful way. I can't control what he does with his phone.
Don't worry about the step back. Get up and dust yourself off, and carry on with your good work. We all have backslides, and it's OK. You just need to save your ire for when she is not around and you can scream, yell, beat up on a pillow, or whatever you need to do to let your anger out.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Sounds like maybe you need to work on self control when it comes to saying things out loud?
If you haven't come up with any goals yet, maybe that can be one?
I'm usually good with keeping my mouth shut or biting my tongue. But this phone thing just irritates me. It's actually quite ridiculous how much she's on it. Nevermind all the selfies she takes. At least once a day sometimes more.
BUT I just have to let this slide. There have been so many positive things that this is just another bump in the road.
It is a goal of mine that I've been working on for years. During the relationship it was hard because I felt disrespected. Since we're broken up I have no right to question what she does on her phone. Hopefully that makes it easier for me to not ask. I mean I basically handled her phone situation fine the last time she left me.
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
It's insane how some people can be consumed by their phones. It's one thing to play games on it and pause it while entering a conversation. But something completely different when I can't even say something because she's texting someone.
It just [censored] because she has these stories in her head about me. She thinks I'm paranoid, that I'm thinking that she's texting some hot dude. I can't tell her that she's missing the point because by the time I mention the word phone to her, she's in full on defensive mode.
I just have to keep thinking about the positives that have happened... She's coming to the wedding social with me(her 2 friends as well), she invited me to her Xmas party but she might just skip that and go straight to the wedding social, she asked me out to a pub on Friday night. Just me and her. That was a crazy night as well. I might as well tell that story. So we're out having a good time. We're getting ready to go home when that douche from the other night shows up. He's with a few friends and they're chatting her up. He introduces himself and then he proceeds to tell me his life story. Like I give a crap. He tells me he saw her at the bar last week(another night she invited me out). Says hes known her from her work and was scared to talk to her. He just recently had the courage to talk to her. He's telling me about her, when I interrupt and say "ya I know all about her, I made a baby with her". He continues on about himself and how hes been texting her. I ask him what the odds were that they end up at the same pub. He tells me good. So now I'm getting pissed. I asked him "the odds were good!?!?", he immediately tries to backpedal. Did my W knowingly ask me to come out here to meet up with this douche? I'm thinking there's no way! So now we're heading back to the truck when I have this upset look. My w asks what's wrong. I tell her I have no right to be upset. She weasles it out of me that this douche has been texting her and he said the odds were good that they'd see each other tonight. She immediately gets angry. I'm thinking at me. She told me she had deleted his number and that his friend asked her to do blow. Now I'm getting furious. Nobody offers the mother of my child blow!! Freaking lowlifes!! Anyway, she's mad and storms out of my truck. I thought she was going home alone, but she wanted to find that guy and tell him off. I stopped her but I should've let her. Now he might try and apologize or sweet talk his way out of it. So that night was kind of exciting. It really felt she was trying to look out for my feelings or at least show to my face she wasn't interested in that guy. But who knows.
Anyway, there have been positives that I need to focus on and just forget this phone incident happened. Ill try my hardest to not bring it up.
Melissag... Are there things you tell yourself from telling your h to get off the phone? Like no good will come of it or do you just bite the bullet and go with it til he's gone? I need some sort of mantra. I think ill stick with, no good will come... Or maybe, she's gonna have a hissy fit and then I'm gonna feel horrible afterwards and want to cry because I've just taken a step back! That's a bit long though. Better stick with no good will come.
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
When you had your first separation (14 months) did you keep hope that you would get back together or did you basically decide to move on with your life>? and then she came back?
So let me ask about the phone thing, was there another person she was involved with that caused the separation? Was/Is her phone, fb, etc passworded? Do you feel she kept secrets from you during that time. Is the phone thing now a trigger for you because of how things went down previously? A reminder? Obviously it was an issue that never got resolved, just rug swept.
I'm asking cause its obviously an issue for you, and if there was some hiding before, then I understand how it triggers you. Sure, your wife is allowed to have friends and be on her phone, but its what you think she's doing, and how open she is about it that might be your boundry problem.
Letting it slide, right now, yes. But its another symptom of a problem. Does she know how much it upsets you? In all honesty, your allowed to have feelings too, how you deal with those feelings is the other half of the equation/problem here thou.
Your getting a lot of script like talk, your taking a lot of blame, your feeling guilty, jealous, scared, lonely, and possibly betrayed? All natural. I'm sure you have read here the saying "believe none of what they say, and half of what they do". Detach, act "as if" your moving on with your life.
When you had your first separation (14 months) did you keep hope that you would get back together or did you basically decide to move on with your life>? and then she came back?
So let me ask about the phone thing, was there another person she was involved with that caused the separation? Was/Is her phone, fb, etc passworded? Do you feel she kept secrets from you during that time. Is the phone thing now a trigger for you because of how things went down previously? A reminder? Obviously it was an issue that never got resolved, just rug swept.
I'm asking cause its obviously an issue for you, and if there was some hiding before, then I understand how it triggers you. Sure, your wife is allowed to have friends and be on her phone, but its what you think she's doing, and how open she is about it that might be your boundry problem.
Letting it slide, right now, yes. But its another symptom of a problem. Does she know how much it upsets you? In all honesty, your allowed to have feelings too, how you deal with those feelings is the other half of the equation/problem here thou.
Your getting a lot of script like talk, your taking a lot of blame, your feeling guilty, jealous, scared, lonely, and possibly betrayed? All natural. I'm sure you have read here the saying "believe none of what they say, and half of what they do". Detach, act "as if" your moving on with your life.
I'm the type of guy that doesn't hope for anything. When she left I had huge amounts of hope. It was what kept me going down my path to bettering myself. As time went on hope faded. Honestly what made things easier for me was her finding out that guys are douches. I eventually moved on when she called to reconcile. I was very skeptical because she didnt take the time to look at herself. I spent 14 months finding all kinds of faults about myself. She told me and my counselor the reason she came back was because I was the love of her life and she saw the changes I made.
During our first separation there was no one else. We both started dating other people around the 8 month mark. She started dating first and that's when I decided to get out there as well. She left me because of my anger issues. My anger has been taken care of thanks to 2 years of domestic abuse therapy. My counselor actually described me more like a guy with bad behavior. I wasn't violent or ever hit her. Basically my W has been abused and treated poorly her whole life. I was the straw that broke the camels back. No excuses though. I own my mistakes during the relationship.
When we were separated there were instances of both of us going through each others phone, fb. She found out I was talking about her and I found out she was talking to guys. I have to emphasize this point, she loves being social and views males and females the same. She believes it's part of her core that she able to have platonic relationships. I believe her but it still hurts. I think the main reason I'm hurt(which she can't seem to understand) is because she still hangs out and texts a guy she had casual sex with during our breakup. She even wanted to join a pool league with him and his friends(during our reconciliation), that's when she got the sense I didn't change everything about me. I told her I wasn't comfortable with it(she goes out a lot as it is and this would've been every Tuesday for 6 months). I would've liked to have her home to help with our son. But anyway, she felt I was been controlling and jealous. Sure I might've been, but my main feelings were that I wanted her to be home with our son and I felt disrespected because she was still doing one on one hangouts with a guy she had casual sex with.
I feel I've gone and rambled a bit.
Basically, number one reason i get upset is I find it disrespectful to be on your phone that much regardless of who you're texting. Number two, I don't feel comfortable she texts that one guy as often as she does. I mean the dude is a kid. I think he's only 23 or something. She's 28 with a toddler!! I am getting more used to her texting him but it's a slow process.
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
Hi there 2TH, This evidently is my first post also, so not sure if it'll show up. I think I can finally contribute to something on here (been reading and studying since August) My H is always on his phone and yes it is also a trigger for me as I found out he was having an affair and yes of course all on his phone as OW was a 3 hour flight away. So it was hyped up on fb messaging and texting. I feel like I may possibly be down the road a little and be able to offer some insight…. What I did - When I seen H on phone - I walked the opposite direction and pretended it didn't bother me. (this actually can become a game, I let him see my disinterest sometimes) I found a few spots in my house (like the toilet) and said to myself 'I am only in control of my own actions, one day they will realise what they are doing (how rude they are) and then they will need to address their own emotions tied to that. I choose to be a respectful and admirable person and I will show this in my actions not my words' believe it or not after a while you start believing yourself and get a little kick out of it. Lets be honest people don't respond by you telling them what to do, they see others behaving a certain way and treating them in a certain way and they mirror this behaviour. I can now tell you with experience that although this phone business has not stopped he now only plays games on there in open viewing and actually involves me in the things he sees on fb. When we talk he actually puts the phone down and looks at me when we speak. I'm still getting used to it.
Other things I do. I detach myself from my phone while he is around on purpose (the action thing). But I also post more on fb while he is gone as I know he is on there. I use this little vice to help show that I have got a life. A little cheeky sometimes but he has mentioned about everything I have posted so it actually makes me feel like the interest in me is still there. (I found out how to get a little back out of this situation :-) when he says something I downsize like 'oh yeah I forgot I posted that' like its not the only thing happening in my life.
I felt like I started to play his game back a little which I did not do before but still showed respect in my actions. I have even gone as far as telling him I will always show respect to him whether he deserves it or not as it is a choice I make as a person to have these qualities. Hope this offers something. Good luck!
[working out still how to do a signature but it will go something like this] Me 31 H 31 D 6 S 4 S 8mth OW bomb dropped july sometime
Never allow kindness be misinterpreted for weakness. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
_____________________________________________________ Me 32 H 32 D 6 S 4 S 11mth
Never allow kindness be misinterpreted for weakness. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
Also had you considered other 180 approaches for the phone? Always be upbeat. when she comes over for dinner you could do something like say 'I'm not letting the outside world interfere with a good dinner and company, I'm putting my phone on silent in my room.' Let go of your expectations, she will probably not give it up that easily but a few mores times she might actually show you respect back.
You are still on a journey for your life lessons - let go and find comfort that time is on our side as each day we learn and are equipped with even more knowledge then before because of the awesome info on here.
_____________________________________________________ Me 32 H 32 D 6 S 4 S 11mth
Never allow kindness be misinterpreted for weakness. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
Melissag... Are there things you tell yourself from telling your h to get off the phone? Like no good will come of it or do you just bite the bullet and go with it til he's gone? I need some sort of mantra. I think ill stick with, no good will come... Or maybe, she's gonna have a hissy fit and then I'm gonna feel horrible afterwards and want to cry because I've just taken a step back! That's a bit long though. Better stick with no good will come.
Well, I don't have the issue of OP in my situation, so I'm not so much jealous or worried about what he is doing as I am just feeling disrespected and not good enough. I ask myself whether bitching at him about it is going to do any good, and no, it won't. Right now you can't be nagging or controlling or trying to get her to change anything. Anything you say on this will be met with anger, and it will only make her feel better about her decision to be done with you. Do you want to give her more ammo in her war against you? I sure as hell don't. MWD says you should do something different, right? I am guessing that if you complain about the phone, it would be more of the same. Don't give her more of the same. Show her a different side of you. Also, complaining about the phone shows her you are insecure - not attractive. If you say nothing, she will eventually notice, and she will wonder what's up. Either she will just see that you are different (and better), or maybe she will think "gee, doesn't he care who I am texting??" It's possible that she will even test you on this and start texting in an exaggerated way just to annoy you. You just have to laugh at this and remind yourself you are cool and confident, and you're not going to give her what she wants, which is more of the same.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Melissag... Are there things you tell yourself from telling your h to get off the phone? Like no good will come of it or do you just bite the bullet and go with it til he's gone? I need some sort of mantra. I think ill stick with, no good will come... Or maybe, she's gonna have a hissy fit and then I'm gonna feel horrible afterwards and want to cry because I've just taken a step back! That's a bit long though. Better stick with no good will come.
Well, I don't have the issue of OP in my situation, so I'm not so much jealous or worried about what he is doing as I am just feeling disrespected and not good enough. I ask myself whether bitching at him about it is going to do any good, and no, it won't. Right now you can't be nagging or controlling or trying to get her to change anything. Anything you say on this will be met with anger, and it will only make her feel better about her decision to be done with you. Do you want to give her more ammo in her war against you? I sure as hell don't. MWD says you should do something different, right? I am guessing that if you complain about the phone, it would be more of the same. Don't give her more of the same. Show her a different side of you. Also, complaining about the phone shows her you are insecure - not attractive. If you say nothing, she will eventually notice, and she will wonder what's up. Either she will just see that you are different (and better), or maybe she will think "gee, doesn't he care who I am texting??" It's possible that she will even test you on this and start texting in an exaggerated way just to annoy you. You just have to laugh at this and remind yourself you are cool and confident, and you're not going to give her what she wants, which is more of the same.
Thanks melissag!
This seems to be one of the hardest 180's for me. I've pretty much done a good job on everything else. I thinks it's because it's a combo of disrespect and jealousy. When I think hard about it, it's mostly the disrespect factor. It's though huh? You make progress towards a 180 and then a relapse occurs. Feels like starting at square one again.
This morning seems to be going ok. I made myself a coffee because I thought she wasn't going to be up until I left for work. But she woke up and I asked her if she wanted a sip of my coffee. She gave me a sly look like, ya I'm gonna have some of that delicious coffee. Which is a good sign because lately we've been sharing drinks. She also accepted my offer to drop her off at the store before she goes to work. Usually she say "you don't have to". So maybe sleeping on it dropped her defenses down a bit.
The war continues! Haha.
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
"Can somebody tell me not to ask about her damn phone. Yell at me even. Tell me it's the stupidest thing I can do. No good comes out of it."
You posted this on one of your first posts...
"I had anger issues which I've worked really hard on changing. Through counseling and many self help books and podcasts, I've successfully changed that behavior."
That is your problem right there. You continue to say that you've cahnged, etc. but you really haven't. Many of the things that you've just posted contradict what you said were "fixed" in your first post. It takes more than a year for changes to take place for life.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
