Job, thank you so much for your reply and for asking about me and my family. The boys and I are doing well. After a stagnant period our faith is growing once again and we are finding lots of guidance and comfort through weekly sermons, faithful friends and family and daily readings we do together. We're trying very hard to write a new story by focusing on our own character, tending to the relationships that are the most important to us and living a life of service to others. We're no longer looking back, but rather have our eyes wide open, always watching for the signposts that lead us forward on our journey to a meaningful and joyful life.
My dad, while still very much grieving, is moving forward as well. He is busy with projects at home and in the community. He also has plans to travel to Europe once again. He traveled there extensively with my Mom and looks forward to revisiting places that he discovered with her. The boys and I spend a lot of time with him and we're closer than we've ever been.
I'm facing the reality the my marriage was basically a fraud. I never really knew my xh even after 23 years together. I thought we were close, loved each other deeply, enjoyed each others company and cherished our family. It was all a lie. Somehow I convinced myself that the good times defined our whole marriage. I was in complete denial for a long time. Now I understand why I had periodic nightmares regarding xh and our marriage. I had repressed feelings of despair and regret over having married him. It's so hard to admit that. I wanted it all to be different, especially for my boys.
It's amazing that I tried so hard to save a marriage that was detrimental to me and my boys. My denial and co-dependency kept me from seeing that I was better off with xh gone. I had what I can only classify as a complete breakdown. I don't know how I functioned through the first year post BD. It's been a very hard road to recovery, but necessary. I've changed and am slowly reclaiming the parts of myself that I denied for so long. Life is good again.
