Printing out articles about libido, desire, and what diminishes it , may help as visuals if you sit her down.
Been there done that. She resents it and sees it as me just wanting to have sex. She's sick and tired of it. And besides, she not interested in sex at all, and doesn't believe in doing it as a "marital duty". And I'm not interested in that either.
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It was important to me to not just do it, but to learn and participate, experiment, and yes seek some gratification too!
If only I could get my wife to see it that way. I really believe I have tried all the standard remedies.
...I simply did not accept that sex was important to him to maintain our connection - I thought of it as just wanting to get off, being self-indulgent, etc. Every time he complained of not enough sex, I felt more and more like that's all I was good for; like he didn't value me for other reasons.
So let me ask you what is hard for me to understand about women. If you really felt that your man's only interest in sex was just to get off, and NOT for reasons of emotional ties, then why wouldn't you let him have a girlfriend? Because you could then be sure that the only reason for the girlfriend is to get off, right? He wouldn't have any ties to her otherwise, right? So why would that bother you? Wouldn't you be happier for your husband that he is having sex with someone at least, even if it's not you? Or are you happier that he's not having sex with anybody at all? See, that's the thing that bugs HD men who are shut off by their wives. To them it appears that their wives are just hateful in the sense that it appears that they would rather that their husbands not have sex with anyone at all, like it's a special form of torture, sanction by society in the form of prohibitions against extramarital sex. And then of course, a husband who pressures his wife in any way to have sex is an oaf.
If as a young man who was constantly sneaking looks at centerfold magazines, and thinking that when I got married, I'd always have a real woman to share sex with, if I had been told that actually, there's good chance that once you got married and had kids, your wife would prohibit you from all sex -- well, if I had known that as a young man, I think my attitude would have been, "I wouldn't touch marriage with a ten-foot pole!"
Surely women know some of this. They must know how much fun sex is to many young men. Do these women really think that men completely lose interest by middle age, and become fuddy-duddy doddering old men with total ED who would fall asleep at the sight of a magazine centerfold or strip-club show? What did you expect your husband to do? Go solo with a centerfold magazine in the bathroom? Just what did you think your husbands were doing when you weren't having sex with him? I just find this cluelessness on the part of women to be stunning. Not to mention the selfishness that he can't have a girlfriend either, even when you have no intention of having any sex yourself with the same man. In what other situation in life have you ever demanded of another person that they be completely without sex indefinitely for your comfort and lack of interest in dealing with a situation?
But I can also understand how an HD husband can appear to a LD wife. So I don't bug my wife about it, and I'm only airing my complaints here. She's certainly heard the complaints enough in the past.
I remember an Oprah show several years ago about men who cheat, and reactions from many women. I remember some angry responses that made me laugh: "All he wants is sex, sex, sex!" And, "All he thinks about is himself and his penis!" I can see how it seems that way when you have little interest yourself, no matter how much it's sugarcoated with candlelight dinners, flowers, presents, etc.
OK, I just really wanted to know something more about him and what you thought he might do in that hypothetical situation, even if it's not realistic. When he says he doesn't want to keep you from "activities", does that mean he would be OK with you dating other men? Not that you would, just wondering what he means by that. It would say something about how he feels about you.
Would you have been similarly motivated if he instead had asked if you would be OK with him having a girlfriend in addition to you as a wife? And if he had said, well, if you don't want sex, then you shouldn't mind if he had it with his girlfriend as long as it was just a friends with benefits arrangement and wouldn't otherwise upset your marriage? Would you have reacted at that point, or would you not have taken him seriously until he actually went out and got that girlfriend, but not yet slept with her? Or would he actually have to sleep with her?
Hmm. My situation may be a bit different than yours. I was very clear with my H that I DID want to have a good sexual relationship with him. At no point did I ever say I didn't want to ever have sex again . . . the problem wasn't that I was entirely disinterested in sex, it was that I didn't feel emotionally safe in the M and that affected my willingness to make myself vulnerable in that way. I'll be honest, *at the time* (because I was so immersed in the situation and the crazy thoughts in my head), if he had said he was going to get a girlfriend to have sex with, I would most likely have thought he was a complete ass. The fact that he wanted a D showed me that he was/is hurt, not that he's just trying to figure out how he can get laid.
Yes, sex is fun, but girls grow up being taught it is something special, emotional, and meaningful - not that it's fun. You don't just give it away, or you might get hurt. It's something to hold close and share only with someone truly trustworthy. It almost goes to the lengths for some people of feeling like sex is dirty. I'm not saying I agree with this view, but that's how it is. I remember when my H once told me that I should put out even if I don't really feel like it because it's an expectation in a M. (In his defense, he did later backtrack on that and acknowledged that would not be the kind of sex he would want anyway.) Wow. I felt like e PIECE OF MEAT. Like, that's all I was good for. And you know why? Because I listened to and internalized all the BS girls are taught about sex. If you like it too much, you're a whore. Etc.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
It's just my viewpoint as an HD person, I realize, but it's hard for me to see how a person who "wants" sex just once a week could be enjoying it all. I mean, if it really was enjoyable, wouldn't you want it more often? What makes one not think of sex on days 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6, and then, suddenly, one wants sex real bad on day 7?!! What changed from day 6 to day 7? Doesn't make sense to me.
Your first sentence was correct. You have an opinion. And you have to accept that your W has a different opinion. I mean, I really like baseball. I would go to all 81 home games my team plays if I could. But I don't think it's weird that someone else might want to go to a game on Friday night but not Saturday and Sunday too. It's just different.
Now, I am merely saying that you need to accept your W's viewpoint and acknowledge that for her, it is just as valid as your viewpoint is to you. I am in no way saying that you should have to live with the consequences of her viewpoint.
If she truly doesn't like sex, or doesn't want to have any, why are you still around? I mean, it seems to me you have to weigh whether it is worth it to stay and go without, or if you are better off leaving the marriage. But it sure doesn't sound like she is going to change her mind anytime soon.
It's kind of like a couple who gets married thinking someday they will have kids. But then one of them decides that nah, maybe he/she doesn't really want to have kids. Well . . . if there is no way to talk the resistant one into having kids, then the other one has two choices. Stay and likely not have kids, or leave and hope to find someone else who wants kids. I know two couples who have divorced over this issue. It's obviously not what anyone wants, and it is sad, but if there is a fundamental difference between two spouses and it is causing misery for one, what other options are there?
So has your W actually said that she just has no interest in sex, and will never do it? Or is she not meeting your needs in this area because she feels that her needs in the M aren't being met?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I brought up the conversation about dating, the one about which I previously wrote . He was feeling me out when he said " I don't want to keep you from any activities if that's what you meant? ".That was when I asked about jumping his bones and would I need protection?
So again it's hard to tell where he is, MLC. He's confused and admits it. Doesn't want to "lead" me on...yadda yadda... As for how he would feel about me seeing other men, well he wouldn't let on. It would give too much away. He has always said he loves me, has treated me so. Initiates hugs and just recently the kiss on the mouth. So, I don't think I can give you anymore with which to work.
Back when we were first dating, many years ago, after six months we had sex.
One of his friends asked for my number and he gave it to him. I was shocked that he would do that, and I confronted him about it. He said back then, he was caught off guard so he gave it to him.
I went out with the guy. I also told him not to give my number out to anyone without asking me first!
It's going to be tough, for I don't know anything about this "Julie". He had the opportunity to say something but he didn't, other than he's meeting people. Still insists that he isn't and hasn't dated. Yet has been using Viagra! So as a guy...who isn't "dating", keeping Viagra in the car so he can pop a half a tab. before going somewhere , is this in hopes of getting lucky? Or does it mean he is just screwing around, and that does not constitute "dating" ? Yet he has given his number to a "Julie" AAAugh, I have to stop this...don't want to give power to the unknown!
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
Sounds to me like he wants to keep a relationship with you going while he sorts things out and asserts his independence at the same time. It's probably part of his MLC to create for himself a feeling that he's "dating" and young again, and that possibilities are limitless, etc. I think the "until death do us part" thing is scary to some people, especially when it seems the "death" part is closer than it used to be.
It's my theory that an MLC can be avoided in some cases if the couple are sexually adventurous and explore new things with a long-term spouse, just like you did when you were younger. But if nothing changes, or there is no activity, then the only part of that vow that hasn't been fulfilled is the "death" part. If you see what I mean! So I see the MLC as a reaction to that "deadness" in a marriage, with the man thinking, "god, is this all there is going to be for the rest of my time, and then it's death -- no way, I have to shake things up!" Just my impression of an MLC.
Using Viagra while not dating? Well, LOL, the experts recommend that a man try Viagra by himself at first to see how he reacts, and just go solo for the first few experiences. Or is he a long-time user already?
There's also a joke in there about how can a man possibly know when to take Viagra, because only the woman knows if there's going to be any sex? Having never dealt with any of these ED drugs, I can only imagine the frustration of popping an expensive pill, only to find out the woman wasn't in the mood. Oh, the thought makes me sick, actually, having dealt with so many rejections from my wife over the years -- and the thought of adding the waste of an expensive ED pill on top of that, and then being turned on and having an erection, and then being told "no" again. Ugh!
So if a man with ED takes Viagra on the mere hope of getting laid, isn't he putting himself under a lot of pressure? Never thought of that. But who knows what it means in your case. Does he also carry condoms?
I never had a c. orgasm by my H. and so I knew what was missing.
I've heard of clitoral, vaginal, and blended orgasms as being distinct for some women. Are you referring to the first one? Are you implying you had one of the other with your husband, but not the first? Not sure I understand what you're trying to say with the "c." part. I'd be happy if my wife had any kind of orgasm, in any situation, including just by herself if that's what she preferred.
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